"the Emperor:

[bueno bob]

(Author's note - this story was originally written between 1997/98, and some of the references are old - I've changed certain things, most particularly names, to reflect certain differences, but more or less the story is intact. Enjoy...)

THE EMPEROR:
KICKED IN THE BUTT BY LOVE

By Bueno Bob


1.




In the last rays of the setting sun (the setting, not the start of a Judas Priest song), the Emperor stood atop the western tower of the citadel, watching the light disappear and be replaced by the night stars. He had reigned in this kingdom for nearly 4500 years now and was pretty damn tired of it.
The kingdom of Newbergia was on the western end of the realm of Oregonia, and he had conquered this place centuries ago...but those days were long, long gone and all that was left of them were his and Ian's memories...and a particular crystal ball.
Ian, his mage, his wizard, and his friend. When he had first come to this realm, this dark and blasted place, Ian had followed him faithfully. Had either of them expected it to be this way? No, not at all, but life was like that - often times you got kicked in the butt by love when you least expected it to happen. That had been one of those occurances.
Finally, the light had disappeared from the wasted lands of Newbergia, and the stars shone overhead. They were different here than what they were throughout the rest of Oregonia, and they had always been. This was an evil spot in the realm of Oregonia, damned and wicked. Vampires walked the streets both by day and night; sheep weren't the only things that were sheered, either. Nothing grew well (many times nothing grew at all) and the place was mostly abandoned, save for the occasional traveller who happened to mistake his way into the boundaries, and the animals that thrived and preyed one each other.
The crystal ball was beside him now. Trapped inside was the stone figurine of the dragon man, all that remained of Birch, the former overlord of Newbergia. It was here, into this crystal ball that he had imprisoned the old bastard during their ferocious battle...4500 years ago to this very night. In fact, within the next two hours, it would have been 4500 years ago to the very precise moment, and the vision from the ball would come again, as it always did annually. What the vision from the glass would show him remained a mystery, as it always did; sometimes it was the past, or a possible future. Other times it was just porn, and those visions were definately the best ones.
Tonight, the Emperor Bob hoped it would be porn, for he was rather horny and his court assassin was out on some mission or another that Ian had assigned her.
Bob looked down upon the glass ball, which was resting by his side on the window sill of the tower. Was Birch still alive inside of that thing, after all this time? Not likely - Bob hadn't understood the magic that resided in it and kept Birch prisoner entirely. Nor had Ian, and he had been the provider of the magic. But it was powerful and had been more than enough to keep Birch out of the way over the last few centuries, so it obviously worked well enough.
But what if it broke? Would Birch regain his true form and challenge his throne? Would the magic ever work again? If not, could he and Ian present enough of a challenge to stop Birch? And what of the rest of Oregonia? If Birch reclaimed his crown here, would he launch an attack against Oregonia? Would Oregonia be able to fight off his menace? What was he going to eat for dinner? Was there anything good on TV tonight? Did he have any tobacco left? Did Ian smoke it all? When was there going to be a "Lois and Clark" reunion on? For that matter, when was Dean Cain going to act in anything of any relative importance? Was Van Halen ever going to get David Lee Roth back on board? And if so, how long would it last? Would they retire the band with him at the helm? Or go down the shit-shaft with Gary Cherone at the front?
So many questions, so few answers.
But there was, if nothing else, time to learn the answers.
Emperor Bob of Newbergia, threat to the entire kingdom of Oregonia, looked at his watch and discovered that there was only 20 minutes left until the ball presented it's vision. He had wasted almost two hours wondering about shit. No matter; Ian would be waiting down in the citadel's throne room, so Bob busted ass down there with the ball.
Hopefully it would be porn.

[bueno bob]

2.

The Emperor returned to his throne room and slumped himself down on his golden throne. Ian took this all in without much notice, but nodded his greetings.
"Much longer to go?", he asked.
"Another five minutes, give or take," Bob said.
"Think it'll be porn this year?" Ian asked.
Bob shrugged in response. "Hope so," he said. "Anything going on around here?"
Ian shrugged this time. "'Bout the same as usual," he said. "Uh...we caught those spies that King Ron sent in here about an hour back...they're in processing right now."
"They were where I told you they'd be?" Bob asked.
"Obviously," Ian replied. One of Bob's gifts that he achieved, once he claimed the crown of Newbergia for himself, was the ability to look anywhere throughout the kingdom and locate anybody, whether he knew them or not. Moreover, he had complete knowledge of all those who came into his realm or left his realm. This knowledge had come in handy many times before. His prescient vision superceded even Ian's in this regard.
Bob looked confused. "Did I miss dinner?" he asked Ian.
"Yeah," Ian nodded.
"What did we have?" Bob asked.
"The usual - Mongolian barbeque", Ian told him.
"The chef's still up?" Bob querried.
"You want the usual?" Ian asked.
Bob nodded in reply and Ian snapped his fingers. Suddenly, in a puff of black smoke, a Mongolian chef appeared in the throne room and dropped to his knees immediately.
"WHAT YOU WANT! OH, WHAT YOU WANT!! I TRY SLEEP, YOU WAKE UP, ARRRGGGHHH! I MAKE ANGRY ON YOU!! YOU ASSHOLE!" He shouted at Bob.
The Emperor rolled his eyes. His Mongolian chef was a total dick, but he was the only one in the kingdom who could make a decent Mongolian meal, and an Emperor needs his Mongolian Barbeque.
"Dude, just make me some fuckin' dinner, OK?" Bob said.
"NOOOOOBODY'S CARING ABOUT DINNER FOR YOU RIGHT NOW! YOU WAKE UP, I MAKE ANGRY! ARRRGGGHHH!! ASSHOLE!!" The chef shouted angrily.
"We're going to have to kill him someday," Ian said.
"NOBODY MAKE YOU MONGOLIAN MEAT, THEN, ASSHOLE!!" The Chef shouted.
"Oh, for fuck's sake, dude, put him in the kitchen!" Bob yelled at Ian.
"You're the boss," Ian replied, cordially snapping his fingers. The Chef disappeared, but Bob knew that he'd have his dinner here in about five minutes. Right on time for the porn show, hopefully!
Soon enough, the Chef returned to the throne room with his dinner. The crystal ball was placed on the floor in front of the throne, and Ian had assumed a position by the throne's side. The steaming hot plate of noodles, sauces, and meats was handed to the Emperor, and he dug in greedily.
"NO WAKE UP NO MORE! YOU EAT, YOU EAT WHEN I COOK, ASSHOLE!! YOU MAKE ME GET SO ANGRY!! I -"
Bob could stand no more of this. He decided to do the honors this time and snapped his fingers. The chef vanished.
A soft pink light eminated from the crystal ball - the show was about to begin. Bob and Ian looked forward as the light filled the size of a 47" projection screen. Might as well do shit in style.
Bob and Ian leaned forward in anticipation. What they saw surprised them both greatly.
Instead of the hoped-for adult entertainment, what they saw was an image of their old realm, the one they had served when they were both mortal - Newbergia. They could recognize the insides of King Ron VII's castle immediately - and Bob knew the room personally.
There was a girl in the room brushing her flowing dark hair. She had crystal blue eyes, and a face Bob knew from centuries past. Ian knew her too, but...it was impossible. Or at least it should have been.
"Arlene would be...thousands of years old, now; it's not her," Ian said.
"I know, but...who?" Bob asked, transfixed by the girls beauty.
"A decendent, my guess...a trick of genetics, more than likely," Ian spoke.
"...She's...identical to Arlene," Bob spoke.
Ian nodded in silence. The image in front of them shimmered and suddenly vanished. Bob was right - she was identical to Arlene, right down to the very finest detail.
Bob leaned forward and buried his head in his hands. Ian remained silent, allowing him his moment of privacy.
Bob ran his hands through his long hair and leaned back into his golden throne. Ian waited.
"We will bring her here," Bob said.

[Sarge's Little Helper]

2.

The Emperor returned to his throne room and slumped himself down on his golden throne. Ian took this all in without much notice, but nodded his greetings.
"Much longer to go?", he asked.
"Another five minutes, give or take," Bob said.
"Think it'll be porn this year?" Ian asked.
Bob shrugged in response. "Hope so," he said. "Anything going on around here?"
Ian shrugged this time. "'Bout the same as usual," he said. "Uh...we caught those spies that King Ron sent in here about an hour back...they're in processing right now."
"They were where I told you they'd be?" Bob asked.
"Obviously," Ian replied. One of Bob's gifts that he achieved, once he claimed the crown of Newbergia for himself, was the ability to look anywhere throughout the kingdom and locate anybody, whether he knew them or not. Moreover, he had complete knowledge of all those who came into his realm or left his realm. This knowledge had come in handy many times before. His prescient vision superceded even Ian's in this regard.
Bob looked confused. "Did I miss dinner?" he asked Ian.
"Yeah," Ian nodded.
"What did we have?" Bob asked.
"The usual - Mongolian barbeque", Ian told him.
"The chef's still up?" Bob querried.
"You want the usual?" Ian asked.
Bob nodded in reply and Ian snapped his fingers. Suddenly, in a puff of black smoke, a Mongolian chef appeared in the throne room and dropped to his knees immediately.
"WHAT YOU WANT! OH, WHAT YOU WANT!! I TRY SLEEP, YOU WAKE UP, ARRRGGGHHH! I MAKE ANGRY ON YOU!! YOU ASSHOLE!" He shouted at Bob.
The Emperor rolled his eyes. His Mongolian chef was a total dick, but he was the only one in the kingdom who could make a decent Mongolian meal, and an Emperor needs his Mongolian Barbeque.
"Dude, just make me some fuckin' dinner, OK?" Bob said.
"NOOOOOBODY'S CARING ABOUT DINNER FOR YOU RIGHT NOW! YOU WAKE UP, I MAKE ANGRY! ARRRGGGHHH!! ASSHOLE!!" The chef shouted angrily.
"We're going to have to kill him someday," Ian said.
"NOBODY MAKE YOU MONGOLIAN MEAT, THEN, ASSHOLE!!" The Chef shouted.
"Oh, for fuck's sake, dude, put him in the kitchen!" Bob yelled at Ian.
"You're the boss," Ian replied, cordially snapping his fingers. The Chef disappeared, but Bob knew that he'd have his dinner here in about five minutes. Right on time for the porn show, hopefully!
Soon enough, the Chef returned to the throne room with his dinner. The crystal ball was placed on the floor in front of the throne, and Ian had assumed a position by the throne's side. The steaming hot plate of noodles, sauces, and meats was handed to the Emperor, and he dug in greedily.
"NO WAKE UP NO MORE! YOU EAT, YOU EAT WHEN I COOK, ASSHOLE!! YOU MAKE ME GET SO ANGRY!! I -"
Bob could stand no more of this. He decided to do the honors this time and snapped his fingers. The chef vanished.
A soft pink light eminated from the crystal ball - the show was about to begin. Bob and Ian looked forward as the light filled the size of a 47" projection screen. Might as well do shit in style.
Bob and Ian leaned forward in anticipation. What they saw surprised them both greatly.
Instead of the hoped-for adult entertainment, what they saw was an image of their old realm, the one they had served when they were both mortal - Newbergia. They could recognize the insides of King Ron VII's castle immediately - and Bob knew the room personally.
There was a girl in the room brushing her flowing dark hair. She had crystal blue eyes, and a face Bob knew from centuries past. Ian knew her too, but...it was impossible. Or at least it should have been.
"Arlene would be...thousands of years old, now; it's not her," Ian said.
"I know, but...who?" Bob asked, transfixed by the girls beauty.
"A decendent, my guess...a trick of genetics, more than likely," Ian spoke.
"...She's...identical to Arlene," Bob spoke.
Ian nodded in silence. The image in front of them shimmered and suddenly vanished. Bob was right - she was identical to Arlene, right down to the very finest detail.
Bob leaned forward and buried his head in his hands. Ian remained silent, allowing him his moment of privacy.
Bob ran his hands through his long hair and leaned back into his golden throne. Ian waited.
"We will bring her here," Bob said.

Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.

[bueno bob]

3.


A week passed with the preparations to bring the new Princess here. Ian had argued against the logic of Bob bringing this new Princess to Newbergia - there had been an uneasy peace between Newbergia and the rest of Oregonia for the last 3000 years, and such an act as what Bob was contemplating would undoubtedly bring about war, once again. But Bob seemed convinced that such an action would be for the best, and from this, there seemed to be no swaying of opinion that Ian could achieve, even with as long as they'd been friends. In the end, there was little else to do but wait for Bob to issue his orders and roll with the punches that would soon follow.
How Bob had it figured that this would be for the best was far beyond him, though.
Bob had been in isolation in his private chambers almost the entire week, trying anything to urge another image from Birchen, but as to whether or not he'd been succesful (at times it had worked, in the past), Ian didn't know.
At the end of the week, Bob came down into the throne room with the ball in his hands, and he placed it on the pedestal.
"Any luck?" Ian asked.
"Some. There have been visions...though not as many as I'd have liked," Bob replied.
"So what's your plan?"
"Bring her here, obviously - we'll use Amy for this," Bob said.
The court assassin and Bob's occasional consort, then. Ian was somewhat worried about this.
"You know she has...uh...urges," Ian suggested.
"How well I know, dude...how well I know," Bob replied, almost dreamily. "But, she's just going to have to restrain herself for the time being," he finished.
Ian looked confused. "Is that even possible?" he asked.
Bob shrugged. "We'll see, I guess."

[bueno bob]

4.


Night fell on the kingdom of Oregonia. King Ron the VIIth had turned in early with an assortment of whores; this was his usual nightly ritual after a long, hard day of reading porn scrolls and drinking vast quantities of mead. More often than not, his penis remained limp and flacid, as he was too drunk to be able to enjoy the finer aspects of Kingship, but such was his lot and he was happy with it. As were the whores. Many nights King Ron missed out on gratuitously sexy lesbian orgies.
Princess Arletta had just finished brushing her hair and was about to turn in for the night. She clapped her hands twice in rapid succession and the enchanted light turned off as she crawled into bed.
Elsewhere in the castle, an assassin crept through the passages as if she knew them personally.
Amy lurked in hidden alcoves when the occasional guard patrol would pass her by, silent and lethal. She made no move to injure or kill anyone, as the Emperor had been very specific about that; but, like the numerous rats which undoubtedly also had free run of this castle, she was stealthy, sneaky and above all silent.
The Emperor had given her insight as to how to get to this Princess' room without being noticed, and he seemingly knew the way very well - no doubt due to his strange and obscure powers. And Ian had given her the means to get here quickly. His aid to her had come in the form of a particular scroll, which she had read and which had teleported her immediately to the borders of Oregonia. Such a feat was an amazing thing - everybody knew you couldn't teleport magically, yet here she was. Her uncle had once tried it after eleven years of studying and preperation, and all he had managed to accomplish after casting the spell was to grow a beard on his ass.
Still, here she was. Ian was quite gifted. Little did she know that Ian had been working on this wonderful spell for the better part of 3,000 years in order to get it down right. The end result was that Amy would be able to capture her target and be back to the Citadel within the night - as for good old King Ron here, he wouldn't be able to march out to the borders of Newbergia in anything under a month.
At last, the Emperor was revealing himself to the Oregonians. At last they would have their revenge!

Amy had been born and raised in Newbergia (and had often times been called the only beautiful thing to ever emerge from that wrecked piece of land), but she manuevered herself throughout the King's castle like she had spent the last 26 years of her life living in it.
Sliding easily through a few secret passages, she turned another corner and climbed up a staircase. She was almost to the Princess' room. The dust was still in it's bag in her left pocket.
It was amazing how far the Emperor's vision extended. How he could have seen all the way from his throne at the Citadel to King Ron's castle, and even further this princess' chambers she almost couldn't fathom. Even Ian didn't have The Sight to that extent.
Had she known that Bob was formerly a resident of this castle, 4500 years in the long dead past, she would have flipped her wig.
Another turn to the right and she was there - in front of her was the door to the Princess' chambers. She knew for certain, because the name on the door said "Princess Arletta".
Ahh...her name was Arletta, then. Apparently the Emperor had the hots for this one and wanted to bone her. Amy supposed she felt some degree of jealousy, but fucking a man wasn't quite as nice as fucking a woman. She certainly didn't begrudge the Emperor his other interests, not in the slightest. He certainly knew she had her own interests when it came to other women, when you got right down to it.
Her being forbidden from taking a taste of this one was why she was pissed about the whole assignment. But work was work, and there would no doubt be a fine payment for her services. The Emperor never failed to please, at least in that regard.
Ian had equipped her also with a scroll of transparency, so that she might be able to slip into the Princess' room without opening the door and alerting her. She pulled the scroll out now, whispered the brief incantation, and felt the change as her bodily dimensions (which were significantly NICE, thank you) changed shape and became mist-like. The scroll first dropped from her hand, and then disintegrated onto the stones of the castle floor, used up. She walked straight through the Princess' door and into her room.
The dust would put the girl to sleep, but wouldn't hurt her. It was up to Amy to carry her out of the castle and back to the Emperor's citadel, so her job at this point was about half-way done. The real challenge would be carrying this girl out over her back without attracting any unwanted attention. Could it be done? Sure, she'd accomplished a lot of things more difficult than this. However, it wasn't going to be a walk in the park.
Amy waited in the dark, shadowed, waiting for her body to resume it's natural state so that the sleeping dust wouldn't drift through her hands. The girl in the bed was almost asleep now; she was very pretty, and Amy felt the familiar tug at her gut and the moistening of the crack. But...the Emperor had forbid her. If she disobeyed, his wrath...she'd seen it, and promised to never be on the end of it if she could possibly avoid it. He was certainly nothing to be trifled with.
Her body started to solidify, and within the next minute, her natural form had resumed itself. She crept up silently toward the Princess' bed, taking the bag of dust out of her pocket as she did so. The Princess never heard a thing - Amy's skills as an assassin (and in this case, a kidnapper) were almost unparalleled.
She stood above the Princess and released the dust. The Princess' eyes fluttered open immediately, and the girl began to cough and choke, trying to roll out of the bed.
Amy proceeded to wait. The Princess had enough time to get to the other side of her bed before the dust kicked in. When it did, her breathing slowed and the coughing fit eased. She staggered on her hands and knees for just a second before collapsing on the bed, out cold. She'd sleep for at least another 30 hours - time enough for Amy to get her out of the castle, back to her waiting horse and into the travois she'd hooked up to him. From there, it was a simple process to cart this girl back to Newbergia.
After that, things were bound to get real interesting between the two kingdoms.
Amy closed in on the girl, hefted her up on her back, and got busy with the fun part.

Thirty minutes later, with her hostage safely in tow, the assassin Amy rode back towards her assigned teleportation spot with her loot, and nobody in King Ron's castle would be any the wiser until the following morning. She got clear of the castle and reached into her robe's inner pocket for the scroll.

[bueno bob]

5.


"Ian," Bob said.
"What?" Ian asked.
"How in the hell did you get a teleportation spell perfected? Nobody's been able to pull that one off yet - everybody that's tried it so far has just managed to grow a beard on their ass," Bob asked.
"Well, I've certainly had the time to work on it!" Ian explained, grumpily.
"Hey, I didn't drag your ass out here with me," Bob snapped.
"It's not like I had a lot of fucking options available otherwise!" Ian snapped back.
"There was always the guillotine, shithead," Bob spoke, trying to resist a smile.
Ian chuckled. "You're an asshole. You always were an asshole. You were an asshole then, and you're an asshole now. The difference is that, back then, you weren't as much of an asshole."
Bob shrugged. Their arguments usually went this way, and usually blew over fairly easily. Without any fanfare or introduction, Amy entered the throne room through the front door. Bob perked up immediately.
"Did it work?" he asked.
"Yeah, she's here. Now there's the matter of the finder's fee...," Amy started.
"We've discussed that," Bob said. "Your payment is strinctly in gold alone."
"I know, I know, but...she's so damn HOT!" Amy shouted.
"Listen - you're great at what you do, and you'll be compensated more the sufficiently. Don't I give you free run of any woman in the castle? You really don't have the slightest idea of my interest in the matter."
"Sure I do - you're finally engaging in open war against Oregonia."
"Outside of that, there's more - and you might be surprised as to what I have in mind," Bob said.
"So fill me in!" she shouted. "Why can't I fuck her?"
"Because I said you can't. Moreover, who are you to question what I have in mind here?" Bob asked quietly, rising out of his throne.
Amy seemed to consider this. Bob had a fairly aggressive temper at times and had been known to have people beheaded for insubordination - and sheep fucking. Not that she was guilty of sheep fucking, but she knew damn well that she was edging closer and closer to direct insubordination.
At the very worst, he could always have her fed to the Sue-Beast...
And besides...she had ways of getting away with things that even he didn't know about, didn't she? Why would he have to know any better? He wouldn't, of course. It was good that a girl had secrets, even a girl in the service of the Emperor.
Amy dropped in a slight bow. "I apologize, Emperor. Of course, your will is my will."
Bob sat down and examined Amy. "No worries, babe. All good."
Amy spoke up. "She's in your chambers, still asleep. Just like you asked."
Ian nodded at her slightly, which was their way of saying she had been dismissed. She'd go to the treasury and collect her earnings.
And later she'd collect her real reward, regardless of whether Bob liked it or not.

[bueno bob]

6.


A light rain pattering against the windowpane brought her awake. The room was dark, but she knew full well it wasn't hers. What had happened? She remembered brushing her hair and laying down in bed...and then...
Kidnapped. She'd been kidnapped.
But where was she? And who would have kidnapped her? Who would risk the wrath of her father by attempting such a feat?
And more to the point, how in the world had they gotten away with it?
She got out of bed and did a quick take of the room. It was large - very large. The bed was ornate, a four post job designed with intricate craftsmanship. Wherever she was, whoever was in charge here wasn't hurting for money. There was a vanity against the wall, seating areas, a fireplace, a side door that no doubt led to the chamber of relief (which was more and more popularly coming to be called a 'bathroom').
Arletta ran to the windows. Locked, of course, and seemingly from the outside. Looking behind her, she found a chair small enough that she could lift and hurl easily. She tried to throw the chair through the window. No luck - the chair simply bounced off of the glass and fell to the floor. The glass hadn't even cracked. Enchanted shatterproof glass, it seemed. So there was at least a wizard to contend with.
She looked around the room for another means of exit, but apart from the door (which she was certain was locked), there seemed to be none. Realizing how stupid she was going to feel if the door was unlocked, she tried it anyway and discovered that she had been right to try the window first. The door was indeed locked, locked solid from the outside. No means of exit there, either.
She wondered where exactly she was. Still in Oregonia somewhere, no doubt. Her father would be along shortly - he had wizards easily capable of tracking her location.
What had her kidnappers planned? Extortion? How stupid of them, she thought. King Ron blew most of the kingdom's excess treasury in the lottery machines, everybody knew this. King Ron would sooner go to war then to pay somebody off.
She quieted her mind to her anger and outrage and began to consider her options. As of right now, she didn't have any. But, she was a prisoner, meaning that eventually, if they wanted to keep her around for any extended period of time, they would have to feed her something. So long as it wasn't Mongolian barbeque, she could deal with anything...either way, when they went to feed her, that would be when she'd make her break.
Suddenly, she heard the lock on the door turn. Arletta stood her ground to see who came in.
She was surprised to see it was a woman - a rather breasty woman at that. God damn...her tits were fucking grate! She had long blonde hair, but couldn't make out many features other than that. She was dressed rather skimpily, just a golden lined bra and a pair of panties. She wasn't exactly thin, per se, but she wasn't fat - just muscular. Was this her kidnapper?
"Princess Arletta, daughter of King Ron, allow me to introduce myself - my name is Amy," the girl said.
"Who are you? Why did you bring me here? Where am I? And how did you get such huge tits? Are they real?" the Princess asked.
"I am Amy - I told you that already. I brought you here because I was ordered to by the Emperor. You're in the kingdom of Newbergia and I was born with them. They're pretty grate, aren't they? I'm very proud of them," she finished, playing with her boobs.
"Yeah, they're outstanding! Damn, I wish I had a set like - wait a minute...I'm in Newbergia??" The Princess finished up, pulling her mind away from her captors tits for a moment. "I'm in Newbgeria?!?"
"Yup," Amy said.
The Princess felt the deep pangs of fear striking inside of her. If this woman was ordered to bring her here, than those orders could come from, realistically, only one person.
The Emperor.
The Princess felt her problems quadruple suddenly. The Emperor she had learned about when she had been young...the stories of his evil and tyranny had left her with many nightmares. How old was the Emperor now? The stories called him at least two thousand years old, possibly as old as five thousand.
And now he had ordered her kidnapped.
"Are you here to kill me?" she asked.
"No - basically I'm here to fuck you," Amy replied.
The Princess considered this. Amy had a grate set of tits, it was true. This was a bit more direct than she would have anticipated, but it sounded pretty hot, too.
"Um - should we kinda get to know each other a little bit, or...?" she trailed off.
Amy approached her. "Nah, I just want to eat your pussy, have you eat mine, sixty nine for a bit...we can finger each other out...use the strap-ons and vibrators, take a shower together...come repeatedly...then I'll take off and you won't ever see me again," Amy said.
To the Princess, that sounded really hot. And the last thing she wanted was to have some woman hanging all over her, calling her all the time, wondering when they were going to meet again, confessing her love to her...all that other lesbian shit that had to come with the territory. Who needed that bullshit, anyway?
Amy came forward and pushed the Princess down on the bed in a playful manner. The Princess went down willingly. Amy crawled on top of her and they began to kiss. As their bodies ground against each other, their hands exploring each others bodies, they both began to feel the wetness seep into their crotches. The Princess cupped one of Amy's big tits and began to squeeze at the nipple. She removed the covering bra while their tongues explored each other, and a large breast popped out of the bra.
Amy moaned while the Princess squeezed and caressed her perky, hard nipple. Amy's hands gripped the Princess' waist tightly and she began to rub her groin over the Princess'. They both began to moan from the pleasure it sent shooting up their spines and making their nerves tingle.
A thin layer of sweat had began to grow as their grinding continued. Amy tore the Princess' clothes off, exposing her soft, beautiful skin to the glow of the moonlight filtering through the room. The Princess responded by pulling off Amy's bra entirely and reaching her hand down into her underwear.
Suddenly, the door burst open and they both stopped immediately to see what had interrupted them. It was two men, but the Princess couldn't make out their details by the light of the hallway pouring in behind them.
"Oh shit," Amy said.
One of the two men raised his hand and snapped his fingers. Amy's form vanished from on top of the Princess, and she covered herself immediately in one of the bed's blankets.
"What's going on here?" she demanded loudly.
"Amy had to go spend some time with the Sue-Beast. Sorry about all the trouble," he said. Turning to the other man, he nodded slightly, and the second man disappeared back down the hallway.
Now would be the Princess' time to make a break for it, she thought...but after that little display, she was no longer sure that would be such a good idea. She didn't know exactly what this Sue-Beast was, but she wasn't convinced that she wanted to find out.
Damnit! And it'd been getting good, too!
"Who are you and what do you want from me?" The Princess demanded. "I am Princess Arletta, daughter of King Ron the VIIth and heir to the throne of Oregonia, so you'd better have a damn good explanation!" she said, indignant.
"Allow me to introduce myself, then, good lady," the man said, bowing deeply. "And I will answer all of your questions freely and easily. To start, I am the Emperor Bob, Lord and Regent of the Kingdom of Newbergia."
Arletta started. This couldn't be the Emperor! He was lying, had to be. The Emperor was anywhere between two thousand and five thousand years old, according to the Oregonian records of him - admittedly, what was known about him was little, but there was simply no way this guy could be a day over, say, 24.
"As to what I want from you," Bob continued, "well...that gets a little bit trickier." He clasped his hands behind his back and began to pace the room. "Your being here is...well, it's mostly...um...it's that...this is going to sound very strange to you, I think," he finished.
"I'm all ears," she said.
Bob turned to look at her and stared at her for a while before continuing. "I am in love with you."

[bueno bob]

7.


The Princess remained silent, stunned. How could he? They'd never met. He couldn't have even known who she was, other than what rumors might have circulated around to this dump of a Kingdom.
Lies. All of it. It had to be. The Princess realized suddenly that she couldn't trust anything that came out of his mouth. Nothing.
She hoped her father would be here soon. Newbergia was quite a distance from the Kingdom she was from, though. At least a months ride, straight out.
"You do realize that my father, the King, is going to kill you for this," she said.
"I wouldn't expect him to do otherwise, actually. In fact, I'm kind of planning on it."
"What do you mean?"
Bob remained silent for a moment.
"Listen, Arletta - this is what I'm going to propose. I know what you've heard about me, what you've been taught. A lot of it is true. A lot of it isn't - it was probably very much the same when I learned about Birch."
"Who's Birch?" Arletta asked. She'd never heard the name before.
"Never mind, it's an old story. The point of it is, I believe I know you in a very distinct way. I know you, but I don't...know you. That doesn't make any sense to you now, but it will later. I hope. In any regards, the reason I had Amy bring you here is because I wanted to get to know you on a deeper level, to understand you. To see if we'd be compatible for a possible marriage."
Marriage? To the Emperor of Newberia? The idea was ghastly, and she told him so. There had been an uneasy truce between their two kingdoms for as long as anybody could remember, but Newbergia was a land of evil, wretched, wicked, and burned out by some long-forgotten disaster, so she'd been told by her tutors in her youth. So it was written. All in this place were evil and it's ruler was certainly the same.
"You might think that now, but...with you, the gap between our two kingdoms can be sealed. The rift can be healed. There could be a true peace, not just an unstable image of it. Listen, this is what I'm going to propose - even if your father's knights were on their way over here right now, which they aren't, it's going to take them easily a month to get here. Stay with me here, for that time, and I'll show you what kind of person I am, and what kind of kingdom Newbergia could be. It doesn't have to remain the way that it currently is...and for a very special reason, you yourself can cause the change. At the end of the thirty days, if you don't like what you see, you're free to return to your father, and your own kingdom. If you do not agree to wed me, I will gladly surrender not only myself, but the kingdom as well - and there will be peace throughout the land, one way or the other."
Arletta considered this. It was too good to be true, so of course, there was something else going on here...something hidden, some obscure agenda. Something he wasn't telling her.
"What...why are you doing this?" she asked.
"Love - no other reason. And...I'll tell you more later. For now, you need some rest and time and time to reflect on my offer and judge it for it's own merits. I've no doubt you distrust everything I say, as once I did the same with my predecessor. It's what we learn, what we're taught to do - even after all this time, I remember that much," Bob said.
"You really are the Emperor, aren't you?" she asked.
Bob nodded.
"How...how old are you?" she asked.
Bob smiled. "Approximately four thousand, four hundred and seventy six years old," Bob said. "Give or take a year or two. But I'm rather well preserved, wouldn't you agree?", he smiled.
Arletta remained under the covers on the bed and didn't comment. He had been Emperor of Newbergia since time out of hand - even the oldest records of Oregonia had accounts of his existance, and they certainly didn't go back that far. How could he live to be that old?
"I'm sure you'll have questions, and I'll answer everything in time, but for now you need rest. When you wake up, we'll eat - we have a grate Mongolian barbeque chef, although he's slightly annoying."
Her stomach churned. She could eat it, yeah, but...ugh!
"Am I going to be kept in this room for a month?" she asked, and although it was a nice room, one she probably could stay in for a month if need be, she affected displeasure at the prospect.
"Absolutely not. You'll have free reign of the citadel and the surrounding countryside. The only boundaries to you are the borders of Newbergia itself. The land won't let you leave, so don't try. Other than that, you're free to come and go as you please. I'll leave the door unlocked and see you in the morning."
With that, Bob smiled at her, turned and exited the room.
Arletta lay back on the pillow and straightened herself out, letting an uneasy sleep overtake her. Before it did, she couldn't help but to reflect on what a nice smile he had.

[Sarge's Little Helper]

7.


The Princess remained silent, stunned. How could he? They'd never met. He couldn't have even known who she was, other than what rumors might have circulated around to this dump of a Kingdom.
Lies. All of it. It had to be. The Princess realized suddenly that she couldn't trust anything that came out of his mouth. Nothing.
She hoped her father would be here soon. Newbergia was quite a distance from the Kingdom she was from, though. At least a months ride, straight out.
"You do realize that my father, the King, is going to kill you for this," she said.
"I wouldn't expect him to do otherwise, actually. In fact, I'm kind of planning on it."
"What do you mean?"
Bob remained silent for a moment.
"Listen, Arletta - this is what I'm going to propose. I know what you've heard about me, what you've been taught. A lot of it is true. A lot of it isn't - it was probably very much the same when I learned about Birch."
"Who's Birch?" Arletta asked. She'd never heard the name before.
"Never mind, it's an old story. The point of it is, I believe I know you in a very distinct way. I know you, but I don't...know you. That doesn't make any sense to you now, but it will later. I hope. In any regards, the reason I had Amy bring you here is because I wanted to get to know you on a deeper level, to understand you. To see if we'd be compatible for a possible marriage."
Marriage? To the Emperor of Newberia? The idea was ghastly, and she told him so. There had been an uneasy truce between their two kingdoms for as long as anybody could remember, but Newbergia was a land of evil, wretched, wicked, and burned out by some long-forgotten disaster, so she'd been told by her tutors in her youth. So it was written. All in this place were evil and it's ruler was certainly the same.
"You might think that now, but...with you, the gap between our two kingdoms can be sealed. The rift can be healed. There could be a true peace, not just an unstable image of it. Listen, this is what I'm going to propose - even if your father's knights were on their way over here right now, which they aren't, it's going to take them easily a month to get here. Stay with me here, for that time, and I'll show you what kind of person I am, and what kind of kingdom Newbergia could be. It doesn't have to remain the way that it currently is...and for a very special reason, you yourself can cause the change. At the end of the thirty days, if you don't like what you see, you're free to return to your father, and your own kingdom. If you do not agree to wed me, I will gladly surrender not only myself, but the kingdom as well - and there will be peace throughout the land, one way or the other."
Arletta considered this. It was too good to be true, so of course, there was something else going on here...something hidden, some obscure agenda. Something he wasn't telling her.
"What...why are you doing this?" she asked.
"Love - no other reason. And...I'll tell you more later. For now, you need some rest and time and time to reflect on my offer and judge it for it's own merits. I've no doubt you distrust everything I say, as once I did the same with my predecessor. It's what we learn, what we're taught to do - even after all this time, I remember that much," Bob said.
"You really are the Emperor, aren't you?" she asked.
Bob nodded.
"How...how old are you?" she asked.
Bob smiled. "Approximately four thousand, four hundred and seventy six years old," Bob said. "Give or take a year or two. But I'm rather well preserved, wouldn't you agree?", he smiled.
Arletta remained under the covers on the bed and didn't comment. He had been Emperor of Newbergia since time out of hand - even the oldest records of Oregonia had accounts of his existance, and they certainly didn't go back that far. How could he live to be that old?
"I'm sure you'll have questions, and I'll answer everything in time, but for now you need rest. When you wake up, we'll eat - we have a grate Mongolian barbeque chef, although he's slightly annoying."
Her stomach churned. She could eat it, yeah, but...ugh!
"Am I going to be kept in this room for a month?" she asked, and although it was a nice room, one she probably could stay in for a month if need be, she affected displeasure at the prospect.
"Absolutely not. You'll have free reign of the citadel and the surrounding countryside. The only boundaries to you are the borders of Newbergia itself. The land won't let you leave, so don't try. Other than that, you're free to come and go as you please. I'll leave the door unlocked and see you in the morning."
With that, Bob smiled at her, turned and exited the room.
Arletta lay back on the pillow and straightened herself out, letting an uneasy sleep overtake her. Before it did, she couldn't help but to reflect on what a nice smile he had.

Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.

[bueno bob]

8.


"What in the blue fuck are you doing?" Ian asked him.
Bob sat in silence for a moment before responding.
"Ending this, probably," he said. "It's time we moved along, man."
"Do you think she's actually going to end up loving you within a month?" Ian asked.
Bob considered this. "We'll see," he said. "If there's any genetic memory trapped inside of her cells...who knows?" he finished.
"She's not Arlene, man, you know that," Ian said, not unkindly.
Bob nodded. "Yeah, but...I don't know," he trailed off.
They both sat in silence for a moment, pondering the situation. There was no way out of this; now that the steps had been taken, they would both have to follow this road to it's conclusion.
"They'll probably kill us," Ian said, almost happily.
"I know! We should have thought of it sooner," Bob smiled.
Ian roared laughter in approval. Fourty five hundred years of life could work on anybody's sanity. Often times, Bob and Ian had sat around smoking and drinking coffee, wondering how great it would be to actually be able to die effectively. After five hundred years into Bob's reign, they'd both started to get tired of the virtues of immortality.
"If it comes down to that, we've had a great run together," Ian told him.
Bob nodded. "Yes, we most certainly have my friend. We most certainly have."
There passed between them a look of understanding that only 4500 years of friendship could create.

[bueno bob]

9.


In the castle of King Ron VII, all was chaos. The Princess Arletta had been kidnapped.
King Ron was sitting on his throne, despondant. His very own daughter, missing from the castle. Traces of sleeping dust on her bed. No sign of her.
The very thought of the things that could be happening to her as of this moment filled him with an unspeakable horror.
The knights had assembled earlier in the morning and had went through the castle and the surrounding lands with a fine toothed comb - and there was simply no trace of her.
It had to be the Emperor - who else could have accomplished such a feat? But to ride out there would take a month, easily. Damn! Why had nobody ever perfected a teleportation spell? Who needed a beard growing out of their ass, anyway??
Suddenly, one of King Ron's mages ran into the chamber. "Sire!" he exclaimed, dropping into a quick (but respectful) bow. "We believe we have located the Princess!"
King Ron stood up out of his throne. "Where, damn your eyes? Where?!?"
"Sire, it seems as if she was abducted by...an agent of the Emperor," the mage spoke, timidly.
The King sat back down and considered. He finally saw the correct thing to do and summoned his guards.
"Behead this man!" King Ron bellowed.
"Nooooooo!!!" the mage cried out, but it was too late - two of the guards in the throne room grabbed him while a third lobbed his head off onto the floor. It hit with a sickening thud and rolled across the room from the force of the blow.
"Sire?" the knight asked.
"Well done, chap, well done," King Ron said. "Although it's a month away, I will ride with your troop to the realm of Newbergia and confront that damned Emperor. We will blaze his kingdom to the ground!" Ron said. It had been a good long time since King Ron had to do anything particularly destructive, so this was as good an opportunity as any.
And seeing if his daughter was still alive or not would be good, too.
"Have somebody clean this mess up," Ron said, pointing at the spreading red stain on the throne room's floor. He turned away from the throne and made his way back to his private chambers to change into more fitting riding apparel. The guards rushed to obey his commands, lest their heads join the mages.

[bueno bob]

10.


"Yo," Ian said to Bob, gazing into his crystal ball from his chair in the throne room of Newbergia Citadel.
"What up?" Bob asked.
"They know it was us...I told you it'd be a matter of time before they figured it out," Ian said.
"Ahhh...but you see, we have a month or so until they get here," Bob replied.
Ian looked up from his crystal ball to see Bob's face. "Dude...do you really think she's going to go for this whole marriage bit? Seriously, man."
Bob considered it for a second. "I really don't know...it'd be nice to finally get it accomplished, you know, even if it's with Arlene's grate-grate-grate-grate-grate-grate-grate-grate-grate grand-daughter times two, but...I guess we'll see; she's only been here for a day now, so...anything can happen by the time that shithead Ron gets out here," Bob mused.
"You think it's likely, though?" Ian asked.
Bob nodded his head in negation.
Ian rolled his eyes and sighed in resignation.
"Oh come on, it could be worse...we could be sitting here for another 4500 years," Bob said.
"Or I could have to spend another 45 minutes with your stupid ass," Ian said.
"You're not much of a subordinate, fag," Bob told him.
"That's because I haven't taken over yet, just wait 'til I do," Ian spoke.
"Knock yourself out, buddy, any time you like," Bob said, raising his fist in a goofy threatening jesture.
"Oh just fuck off already," Ian replied.
Bob smiled. He'd been smiling more over the last twenty four hours than Ian had seem do in the last 4500 years.
The sun was out today. For the first time in almost 2000 years, it wasn't a nighttime black 24 hours a day. The changes were already beginning in Newberia.
And for that alone, whatever fate befell them would be more than worth it.

[bueno bob]

11.


Princess Arletta had found the Emperor true to his word - he had allowed her free reign of the castle (mostly), and she was off exploring. There were two certain areas forbidden to her - his private chambers, for one, and the dungeons (and as to what was probably going on down in the dungeons, she had previously decided she didn't want to know). She'd managed to ascertain that this 'Sue-Beast', whatever it was, was down there and was something best avoided if at all possible.
The citadel itself was massive, and somewhat confusing...why the Emperor had had it built so big she couldn't possibly fathom. Many of the hallways were big enough to allow passage of dragons, virtually.
She turned one particular corner and looked out of a window onto the day outside. It was sunny - which surprised her greatly, because according to all of the old tales about Newbergia, the sun never shone out here.
She heard footsteps around the corner and saw that it was Bob, the Emperor, come to greet her. She didn't smile, but offered a cordial wave to him - such was the role of the Princess, and manners had to be minded.
"Good morning, Princess," Bob said.
"Good morning to you, Emperor," Arletta replied.
"Are you enjoying your tour?" Bob asked her. "Perhaps I could show you a few things."
"Well, this place isn't really quite as bad as I'd been led to believe, actually," she said. "There have been some wonderments, particularly in the garden and your room of illusions."
"Uh," Bob said, somewhat nervously, "the, uh, room of illusions...it's just, um...mostly it's all Ian's stuff in there, not mine...I just, uh, kinda, hold it for him when he gets the urges...you know, the urges that men get to...uh..." he trailed off.
"No, really, it's fine - I rather enjoyed my six girl orgy, actually," she said.
Bob did a double take at that. "You're..."
She finished for him. "Bisexual, yes, and proudly so. There's nothing in the world like a good pussy," she said, turning back to look out the window.
"Damn!" Bob said, astounded. "If I'd have known that, I might have let Amy finish you," he said, shaking his head.
"Day late and a dollar short, hunh?" Arletta asked rhetorically.
"As usual," Bob said. "Come on - I want to show you something."

[bueno bob]

12.


They entered a room that seemed filled to an almost impossible amount of magic items. Scrolls, potions, books, crystals, pendants, knicknacks, and other assorted memorabilia stretched out almost as far as the eye could see.
"This is my enchantment room," Bob said as Arletta looked around. "Here I keep all the shit I've collected over the last 4500 years - pardon my ancient non-standard Latin, I didn't mean to curse in front of you," he said.
"It's OK," she said, picking up a silvery disc looking item that could have perhaps been a projectile weapon. "What's this?" she asked. As she tilted it, she noticed that there was some writing on one side, and the other made a rainbow-like glow.
"Oh, that - that's the 1998 Van Halen reunion CD with David Lee Roth," Bob said.
Arletta looked completely confused.
"You wouldn't understand, it's technology that doesn't exist here - or yet," Bob said. "I'm not sure which. There was an invasion planned for both of our kingdoms, Newbergia and Oregonia, from another dimension - I had Ian open a time/space gate so that I could go out and stop it," he said. "This item actually plays music, believe it or not, but...music of a sort that you wouldn't be familiar with," he said.
She asked "Who's Van Halen and who's David Lee Roth? And what do you mean by 'reunion'?" she asked, perplexed.
"Well," Bob started, "Van Halen is the epitamy of all things rock and roll, hot and heavy, good and pretty. Well, they were, anyway - they had a singer named David Lee Roth who quit or got fired in 1985 and they really went down the tubes after that...they got some other guy to sing for them, and I'm pretty sure he was gay."
"Gay as in fairy-like?" she asked.
"Yup," Bob said.
"Oh - so, by saying this album is a 'reunion' with David Lee Roth, you mean they got rid of the gay guy and got him back?" she asked.
"That's where it gets tricky," Bob said. "While I was out in that other dimension cutting the invasion off, I had to leap back and forth between several different factions of reality - in some, they got him back and kept him back, in others, he never came back, and in one, they got him back and ditched him again after a few months and got some other gay guy to sing for them - that particular dimension is the shittiest dimension ever, and I don't know how anybody can survive there," Bob said. "As a quickie souvenier, I picked the album up from one of the dimensions where he stayed in the band."
"Neat trick," Arletta said.
"Yeah, it's a grate album for sure," Bob said. "Best song on it is called 'Neccesary Roughness', but they're all very good songs," he finished.
Arletta put the CD back and continued to look through his stuff.
"This, now," Bob spoke, picking a crystal ball up. "This is what I wanted to show you, actually."
She looked at the crystal ball. It was small, hand sized and had a platform beneath it so that it could stand on a suface without falling. Inside of it was a stone dragon carving.
"What is it?" she asked.
"This," Bob spoke, looking into it at the dragon. "This is Lord Birch, former Overlord of Newbergia - and how I got this job in the first place."
Arletta looked confused. "Our stories say - "
"Your stories are wrong," Bob finished for her, simply. "I know full well what Oregonia teaches of me, of what I'm like, and of how I got to be where I am. And it's wrong. It was changed thousands of years ago...the oral and written records were all altered after I did what I did. And they've never been changed back."
Arletta was wary of this, but still curious. "What happened, then? Truly."
The Emperor thought about this for a moment and looked into her eyes. Gods, he had beautiful eyes. She hadn't really noticed until then. He smiled slyly and looked somehow innocent and devilish at the same time. "Wouldn't you like to know...", he said, chuckling to himself. "Actually, it's an interesting story, but...let's just say, for now, that I really didn't have a lot of choice in the matter," he said, letting the subject drop.
She tried to pick it up. "I really would like to know," she probed.
"It's a long story, and...right now, I don't exactly feel like revisiting it, but perhaps I will tell you - there's still some time before..." he trailed off. "Let's go outside and see what changes the land has to offer us today - and then I'll tell you why it's changing."
This offer sounded very intriguing to her as well. Bob put the crystal ball back into it's place and they left the room together, with the Emperor shutting the door behind them.

[bueno bob]

13.


As they walked outside together, the sunlight poured through the blasted, dead hulks of trees and spilled over the cracked, barren ground. But somehow, the sunlight seemed to add a new dimension to everything, like the feeling of sickness as it burns off and becomes health.
"It still looks pretty bad," she said.
"Yeah, and it will for a while - but note how the sun is out, how things are beginning to come alive a bit? Look - grass is growing over there," he said, pointing.
She looked in the direction he had aimed. And it was true - over this broken and blasted landscape, there was a patch of grass starting to come in. All of a sudden, though? It couldn't be possible. Could it?
"What's happening, then? Tell me," she asked.
The Emperor looked at her. "I will then. I, and this land, are one."
The Princess was confused. "What does that mean?" she asked.
Bob walked off a few steps ahead of her, looking at some of the dead trees (and was that a leaf growing out of one of the braches? She though it was).
"The land reflects me. What I feel, it feels. When I hurt, it hurts. When I heal," he said, turning to face her. "It heals."
The Princess, uncertain, pointed at herself.
The Emperor nodded.
"How could you ever be free of it?" she asked.
"You get the advantage here - I can tell you the secret," Bob said. "Had I known back then what I know now, I probably would have done things much differently, but as it is..." he trailed off.
"While I live, the land lives - you know this. But there is a way to drop my burden. If I am slain in combat, my head removed, then the rulership of the land and all of my power will pass on to whomever defeats me. They will inherit this land and all of my considerable abilities - even my immortality."
Arletta considered this. Had nobody ever tried to slay him in 4500 years? Or was he simply too powerful to beat? So powerful that nobody even dared challenge him?
It was an interesting question. She meant to ask him, but never got around to it and years later found herself regretting that.
"Princess Arletta, you are very much the spitting image of one of your ancestors - a girl I loved very deeply, who's name was Arlene," he said. "I understand that you're your own person, and of course I value that, but when I heard of you, I had to meet you. Knowing full well that you would never come under your own desire, I sent out Amy to kidnap you and bring you here, so that we might meet. I did it because it's been 4500 years since I've last set eyes on my love - until I saw you in a vision sent by Birch's ball.
When I became the Emperor of this land, I sat on this throne and was the very definition of misery - by defeating Birch and taking his crown, I also took his cross from his shoulders, and now I must bear it, as he did before me. It has been a heavy burden - I, once loved and admired, cast out, struck down and made to rule a wasted kingdom, pining for a love that I thought I would never again experience. And for all those years, there have been none. There have been trysts, and flings, and indulgances, but there has been no warmth, no kindness, no emotion. As Birch and the land of Newbergia were tied together, so did I inherit that, in addition to his other powers. But now - now you're here, and now there is peace, and tranquility, and emotion. This is why I made the offer that I have. I promise you, before the months over, this kingdom will be a kingdom to rival even that of your fathers in beauty, for I've seen what it once was in my dreams. With you here, it can be that way again."
Now the Princess understood. It seemed unlikely, far-fetched and unbelievable in the utmost, yet while she watched, looking away, a rose grew out of the dust, surrounded itself with healthy green grass and bloomed into fruition. She was awestruck by the wonder of it.
"Now you see," the Emperor said from behind her.
"I - I need...t-time," the Princess said. She had not anticipated all of this. Not at all.
Turning, she ran off, back towards the direction of the gardens. Thankfully, the Emperor didn't impede her.
Bob watched her go, then turned and walked off into the fields to see what all had become of this place.
His world was changing, minute by minute.