Joke thread

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Two guys meet somewhere in town. They've been good pals for a long time, so they will confess very personal stuff to each other.
One of them has got a bad, bad wound on his cheek, and a bad, bad black eye.

Jack: What happened to your face, pal?

George: Oh, well, it's my wife... She was fumbling for food in that fucking deep-freeze. You know how I am, she was wearing a very short skirt, and seeing her bend over, her buns right before my eyes... I couldn't help it! I started fucking her.
And she whacked my face with a deep-frozen leg of lamb, you see...

Jack: Damn! What's wrong for a husband to make love to his wife? Doesn't she dig it that you fuck her?!

George: She does, but...





... not at the supermarket!

:D

[Ozzy Fudd]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the heck does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up....

[Ozzy Fudd]

Will You Marry Me?



A guy with a 25-inch member went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore!
It's too long." The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if
you see the witchdoctor in the bayou, she can help you."

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog.
Ask her to marry you. She'll say 'No' and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?"
"No!" she said.

He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy liked the results, and thought,
20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, 15 inches is great!
But 10 inches would just be perfect.!!!

So he asked, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you...NO! NO! NO!"

[blonddgirl777]

The Blonde Texas City Girl...

Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

[Matt White]

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story ?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

[Matt White]

What separates "Dumb" from "Dumber"?

THe Ohio River!:p

[Jurak]

Support Group for those who talk too much:
On and On and On Anon

[Jurak]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[Jurak]

3 Engineers are debating about God. The 1st engineer says, "God must have been a mechanical engineer because of how the whole muscle/skeletal system is designed." The 2nd engineer says, "No, God must be an Electrical Engineer because of how the Central Nervous system is designed." The 3rd engineer says, "You're both wrong. God must have been a Civil Engineer...because only a Civil Engineer would run a sewer line through a recreational area."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two physicists were in a debate. As the debate raged, however, they came to realize that their competing theories were not actually incompatible. Having come to this conclusion, each stepped out from behind his lectern and strode towards the other, across the lecture hall. They reached out their hands to shake, and--ZAP--a small spark of static electricity jumped between their fingers.

"Well," one said to the other, "I'm glad we've finally found a common ground."

[Jurak]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in
the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,
All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off
now, cause we're in a hurry!
And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the
fuck on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO
HOURS.

When you come out, you may play With your train, but
I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom
and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with
you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of
you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under Your seat. Remember, there is no smoking
on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
Journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child
added..........
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please please see the fat bitch in the
kitchen."

[Jurak]

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper
for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. A moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me
a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back
to writing the ticket.

After a long pause,
the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."

[Matt White]

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."

[Matt White]

At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[Seshmeister]

I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

[Seshmeister]

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps
So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "you're going to have to looking forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing napies"
"Why? Am I Pregnant?"
"no" the doctor replies, you've got bowel cancer

[Seshmeister]

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.

'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get cr*p on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging
out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?'

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'

[Seshmeister]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken!

[Seshmeister]

It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.

It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming, “I want a bitch with herpes.”

Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I said ‘I want a bitch with herpes’” says the child.

“Well I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that fit that description” replies the Madam.

“I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes” says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog.

The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him.

After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, “Why did you want a whore with herpes?”

“Well,” explains the boy “My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to fuck her. Then he’s going home to fuck Mum. In the morning she’s going to fuck the milkman. He’s going to fuck his wife, she’s going to fuck her boss, he’s going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she’s going to fuck my headmaster and HE’S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!”

[Seshmeister]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he
is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around
the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play
A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."

[Nickdfresh]

Why did hte blond have White Out® all over her computer screen?


















She was a lousy speller.

[Nickdfresh]

What's the first thing the blond whispered in her lover's ear after passionate love-making?


















So, you guys in the same team or what?

[Jurak]

A man staggered into a hospital's emergency room with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped
tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the ER Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them. While I was looking around, I noticed one
of the cows had something white by its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
ass."
Still holding the cow's tail up,
I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I really don't remember much after that."

[Jurak]

30 things I learned from porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with $perm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowj0b.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A bl0wj0b will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy cummers.
11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those t1ts are real.
13. A common and enjoyable $exual practice for a man is to take his half-erect peni$ and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they coum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having $ex in the bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your c0ck in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.
21. Nurses suck patients c0cks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's c0ck, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejeculat1ng on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a c0ck there.
29. When standing during a bl0wj0b, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
30. Dorky guys never have to beg.

:D

[Jurak]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

[Douglas T.]

Subject: Miranda rights




A good looking, well endowed, female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits"

[Douglas T.]

A little 80 yr old lady always wanted to join a bikers
club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's
door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all
over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join
your club". The guy was quite amused but says she
needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to
join he explains.
The biker asks; Do you have a motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked
over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper
in the driveway.
The biker asks, Do you drink?
The little old lady replies "Yep, drink like a fish.
I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks; Do you smoke?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a
chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three
joints a day and a couple more in the evening while
I'm shooting pool."
The biker is becoming very impressed and
asks, Last question, have you ever been picked up by
the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,
"Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few
times."

[Bob_R]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one,
but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your
mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out
the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son,
where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room
last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling
out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

[svrwthr]

Dumb and Dumber than Dumb Jokes

What do you call actors who perform outdoors?

Outcast.
*********

What happened to the camper who swallowed a flashlight?

He hiccupped with delight.
*********

When should you wear a bathing suit to go horseback riding?

When you're riding a seahorse.
*********

How do you know clams are lazy?

They are always in their beds.
*********

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.
*********

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
*********

Why did the music students get into trouble?

They were passing notes.
*********

Why did the fish make such a good musician?

He knew his scales.
*********

What do you call a bunch of dancing pebbles?

The Rockettes.
*********

Why didn't the bicycle go dancing?

It was two tired.
*********

What kind of fruit is never alone?

A pear.
*********

How far open were the windows in the math class?

Just a fraction.
*********

[Jurak]

Subject: A little old lady


A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Darn!" says the little old lady..... "I'd better go back and see if I
can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone

sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!

By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

[Keeyth]

First Christmas joke of the Season.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at
the
pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must
each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out
a
lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys.

He shook them and said: "They're bells."

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked,"And just what do those symbolize?"



The man replied,"These are Carols."


And So The Holiday Season Begins....

[Matt White]

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

[Douglas T.]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over,
and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", asked the mortician.
Yup, I never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. every
time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

[blonddgirl777]

A 6 year-old & 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year-old continues, when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with "hell" and you say something with "ass". The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen & asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old & asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

[Bob_R]

NEW RULE!




Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S.
>> Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of
>> the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request
>> before they were beheaded
>> Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of
>> hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and
>> returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die
>> content."
>>
>> Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O
>> Canada" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied
>> the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag
>> Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could
>> now die peacefully.
>>
>> Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
>> tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
>> Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till
>> the end."
>>
>> The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
>> Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
>>
>> The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your
>> final wish?"
>>
>> "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
>>
>> "What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
>>
>> "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
>> Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the
>> ass.
>>
>> The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
>> pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the
>> resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine
>> and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were
>> either dead or fleeing for their lives.
>>
As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked
>> him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask
>> them to kick you in the ass first?"
>>
>> "What," replied the Marine, "and have you three Assholes report that
>> I was the aggressor?

[VanHalener]

WHY DID TIGGER LOOK IN THE TOILET?



HE WAS SEARCHING FOR POOH!

[Bob_R]

Dubya Quotes
spacer

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush

[VanHalener]

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/WkThvBxUc_I"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/WkThvBxUc_I" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

[Sammy Who??]

what do you call 10 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?


a good start!

[VanHalener]

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FoOMNMtJyUo"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FoOMNMtJyUo" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

[LookN4AMootBeat]

What did Elvis say to the landscaper when he was finished working in the flower beds?









"uhh, thankyuh......uhh, thankyuh-fo-thuh-mulch.."

[vh rides again]

vice president chaney says to president bush, hey the brazilians have just donated a 100 brazilians to the war on terror.

the presidents reply is, how much is a brazillion?.

[Bob_R]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.



We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.



My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.



They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.



The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.



A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,



"Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.



God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.



Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

[Bob_R]

What gets longer when pulled................ Fits between your tits..............Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked........................

scroll down to find the answer......

































A SEAT BELT you pervert!!!

[diamondsgirl]

Originally posted by EVH FANATIC
What gets longer when pulled................ Fits between your tits..............Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked........................



Is it getting hot in here?? :D

[diamondsgirl]

OVER-SENSITIVE WOMEN


It is important for men t o remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the
same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman.


My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the
situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early
retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie
to get a full-time job along with her part time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed.


Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was
beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the
golf course about the same time she gets home from work.


Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before
she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I
tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in
the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not
reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when
I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner. I do what
I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I
know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.


Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to
find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way
she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunc h completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to
think tact is one of my strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not
to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as
she is making one for herself, she may as well make
one for me too.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as
they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a
little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.....


Signed, Bob




EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly last week.
The police report says that he was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf
club rammed up his ass with only 2 inches of
grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and
charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury
found her NOT GUILTY, accepting her story that he
accidentally sat down on it. :D

[Atomic_Rob]

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Atomic_Rob]

A funeral was taking place of an eminent heart surgeon. The church was packed with loving friends and collegues, creating a very emotional atmosphere. No expense had been spared and there was a huge heart behind the cofin made with hundreds of red roses.
As the last speech was given and his favourite piece of music came on the coffin started to roll slowly towards the curtains, the heart of red roses started to pulsate then opened up allowing the coffin to glide inside and disappear through the curtains. This just completely moved everyone to tears. Two of his close collegues were at the back one was holding a lump in his throat at the loss of his friend, the other was nearly wetting himself with laughter. He was asked "what the hell are you laughing about he was one of your closest friends"
To which he replied "I couldn't help it I was just thinking about my funeral". "So!" his friend replied "I don't see your point". The point is I'm a gynaecologist!!

[Atomic_Rob]

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo checking out the animals.
They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla had a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this.
They stand and watch him for half an hour.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch the gorilla's penis.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
Two days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks,

"Are you hurt?"



"AM I HURT?



AM I HURT!!", he shouts,




"Wouldn't you be!?




He hasn't called, he hasn't written .....

[Atomic_Rob]

Tarzan & Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong .. but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch! Jane
rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"



"Tarzan checking for squirrel."

[Atomic_Rob]

Three women where chatting about their sex lives with their husbands.
First woman: My husband Pete loves me giving him a blow job but the strange thing is, when I'm doing it his balls get freezing cold.
Second woman: That's really strange when I give my husband Mark a blow job I've found the same thing.
Third woman: What's a blow job?
The other two suprised at this lack of worldliness from their friend, set about describing the details of the perfect blow job.
The third woman vows to try it out on her husband that night. They agree to meet the next day for coffee to see how she got on.
To their suprise and horror she arrives with a huge black eye. What happened? Did you give him a blow job? Yes she replied, he seemed to be enjoying it then he hit me.
Well what did you do wrong? they asked. Nothing I did it exactly as you described it. I was giving him a blow job and we were both enjoying it and I said this is really nice your balls are nice and hot Pete and Marks are always cold........


Jokes thanks to the incredible Jackie Lynton, a legendary gentleman, musician and his jokes are face rippingly funny.

[Shaun Ponsonby]

Jon Bon Jovi.

He's a joke, isn't he?

[Bob_R]

Originally posted by Shaun Ponsonby
Jon Bon Jovi.

He's a joke, isn't he?

HAHA! A shit stirrer.

I don't know is he? He has a music career. Does Roth?

[Shaun Ponsonby]

When he can be bothered...yes.

Jon Bon Jovi has a questionable music career, which is worse than not having a music career.

[sadaist]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's".

[katie]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"



Katie

[Shaun Ponsonby]

Hey, stop editing my artwork.


THEIF

[katie]

Originally posted by Shaun Ponsonby
Hey, stop editing my artwork.


Shaun you stole MY idea!

The cheek!

katie
x

[Shaun Ponsonby]

<a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i91.photobucket.com/albums/k299/Captainswing_2006/01-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting"></a>

[Bob_R]

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

[franksters]

these clips are hilarious, it's a company from montreal that did those for an american candy wholesale company;

http://62.213.240.144/vertigo/

[jslav06]

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_-oxsMl3iCA"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_-oxsMl3iCA" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

:D

[Loons The Great]

Monster in a village
Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.

The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.

So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it, figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.

So he looked in his himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with all the sugar in the village.

Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after it`s usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after another villager.

After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another chance, and the chief agreed.

The next day, the hunter looked back to his himalayan monster field book and found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.

So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time for it`s villager feast.

But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon. The medicrin imediatly became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader than a doornail.

The moral of the story? A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.

[sadaist]

The Moral of the Story is...
>
> A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their
> parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
>
> The next day the kids came back, and one by one began to tell
> their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a
> lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to
> market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a
> bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
> a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
>
> "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
>
> "Very good," said the teacher.
>
> Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are
> farmers, too, but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had
> a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten
> live chicks. So the moral to this story is, don't count your
> chickens until they're hatched."
>
> "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to
> share?"
>
> "Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge.
> She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got
> hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had
> was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete.
>
> So she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break.
> She then landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
> She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of
> bullets, then she killed 20 more with the machete until the blade
> broke. She killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
>
> "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral
> did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
>

>
> "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

[SparkieD]

Forgive me if it's already here somewhere.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.

[Antman]

What does 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends.

[Antman]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her

[Anonymous]

Two nuns slipped out of the convent for a night on the town. They hit the clubs until closing, but to enter the convent grounds they had to crawl under a chain link fence. Crawling on their bellies, one was drunk enough to pretend it was barbed wire. "Doesn't make you feel like a marine?" she asked. The other grunted, "Sure, but where are we gonna find one at this hour?"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A man went on a business trip and left his cat in his brother's care. Three days later, he called his brother. "How's my cat?" "She's dead." "What? She's dead?! What do you mean 'She's dead!'? I loved that cat. I wish you would have broken the news to me more gently. Why not tell me that she got out and was up on the roof and you're having trouble getting her down? Then the next time I call, you could have said the Fire Department was there. And the next time that they scared her off the roof and she was hurt when she hit the ground. And then, later, when I was prepared, you could say that she died. Damn, you are so crude." His brother apologized sincerely, "I'm sorry. You're right. I was insensitive." "Oh, it's all right. Forget it. Let's change the subject. How's Mom doing?" "She's up on the roof and..."

"Late again?" Miss Crabtree scolded Little Johnny. "It ain't my fault," said Little Johnny. "This is my Daddy's fault. I'm three hours late cause Daddy sleeps naked!" Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for over thirty years but had never heard that one before. "Exactly what does that mean, Johnny?" "Well, Miss Crabtree, a coyote's been hangin' round the ranch lately. He's killed six hens and Ma's best goat. So last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and told Ma, 'That coyote's back again. I'm a'gonna git 'im!'" He told us kids to stay inside and he ran out naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt, no nuttin'! He crawled out to the hen house, stuck his shotgun through the window of the chicken coop. As he tried to see into the dark coop, our hound dog came sneakin' up behind him and stuck his cold nose right up Daddy's behind! Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!'"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A gorgeous young schoolteacher ran a red light and got caught by a ticket camera. She went to the traffic court judge's chambers to request special attention since she was supposed to be teaching her class. The judge looked over her beautiful body and said, "You know, I've always had a fantasy about schoolteachers." Her ticket, her fine, her increased insurance rates flashed through her mind. As she sat on the edge of his desk, she said, "Why, judge. Is there anything I can do about it?" The judge grinned. "You sure can. Sit down at that table over there and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times!"

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you once you're dead!

Cheers! :bottle:

[Little Lamont]

Sammy Hagar walks into a doctor's office one day with a frog on his head.

The doctor say, "What's wrong with you?"

The frog say, "I don't know but it started with a bump on my ass."

[Douglas T.]

A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she needed some
cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license;
they'll throw us in jail...bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT
have any cyanide!"

She reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed...

with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't
tell me you had a prescription."

[Anonymous]

Smart man + smart woman = romance. Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy. Dumb man + smart woman = affair. Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage.

The shop teacher was surprised on the first day of school to find a girl in his class, and a hot young blonde at that. "Are you sure you're in the right class?" he asked. Judy assured him that she was. "I'm afraid this course may be out of your league. Do you have any experience with tools?" "Like what?" asked Judy. "Well, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" he asked. Judy thought a moment and then replied, "I can't rightly say -- because I've never been bolted!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A blonde and a brunette were in the break room, discussing last night's company Christmas party. "Did you get laid?" asked the brunette. "Twice!" exclaimed the blonde. "Only twice?" said the brunette, skeptically. "Yeah," explained the blonde. "Once by the accounting department and once by the band!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A fortune-telling midget escaped from prison. The next morning, the headlines read, "Small Medium at Large!"

Two blondes were walking along the beach with their friend, a brunette, when a seagull pooped on one blonde. "I'll go get some toilet paper" said the brunette, scurrying off. One blonde said to the other, "Dummy brunette! By the time she gets back, that seagull will be long gone!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Ozzy Fudd]

Why men wear ear rings

A man is at work one day when he notices
that his co-worker is wearing an earring,
The man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense...


The man walks up to him and says,
"I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only
an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes,
but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


(I always wondered how this trend got started)

[Jérôme Frenchise]

What does a Rasta guy say when he quits smoking pot?

"Damn!!... What's that fucking crappy music?!"

[Anonymous]

When Girls Overdrink: We have no idea where our purse is. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butts while yelling "Woo-hoo!" is the sexiest dance around. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's butt and honestly believe we could do it. In our last trip to the bathroom, we realize that we now look less like the goddess we were four hours ago and more like a homeless hooker. We cry and tell everyone we see that we love them sooooo much. We get excited and jump up and down at every new song merely because, "Oh, my God! I love this song!" We find the spiritual side of the geek sitting beside us. We suddenly take up smoking and think we're good at it. We get mad at the bartender for giving us just lemonade because we can no longer taste the vodka. We think we're in bed but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor. We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down. We take off our shoes because we think it's their fault we can't walk straight.

The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce." The judge said, "Why do you want a divorce?" "Because my husband is a terrible lover." "How long have you been married?" "Fourteen years." "I don't understand," said the judge. "Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he's a terrible lover?" She said, "Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn't know!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Ozzy Fudd]

Subject: A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the
waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he
also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the
staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well,
he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp
all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen
and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save
time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what'.
That way, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to
wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

[sadaist]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:





1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[blonddgirl777]

CNN HAVE JUST REPORTED THIS - Newfies declare war on the USA


President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused.. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."



CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

[VanHalener]

:lol:
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[bugersalad]

Roth Army Fans.... There is a joke for ya!!!!

Roth Army Fans!

[Anonymous]

Since a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, scientists for Health Canada ran a study to see if drinking beer turns men into women. In the study, men were each given six pints of beer per day for a month. 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive or think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

There are many aspects of school that you don't appreciate until you get older. Little things, like being spanked by a middle-aged woman!

Cheers! :bottle:

[Ozzy Fudd]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who

>>>seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

>>>As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and

>>>told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be

>>>landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just

>>>put your trays up, that would be super."

>>>On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

>>>Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me

>>>over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so

>>>the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

>>>She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a

>>>Princess and I take orders from no one."

>>>To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

>>>"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

>>>Tray-up, Bitch."

[Anonymous]

Jesus, Mary and Joseph were doing household chores when suddenly Jesus ran outside to Joseph. "Did you call me?" Jesus asked. "No, I'm sorry," replied Joseph. "I just hit my thumb with the hammer!"

Travis had been rather upbeat lately. "What gives?" asked Jim. "Just loving life, Jim. Loving life," he replied. "Health, togetherness, motivated children, lack of envy: that's the recipe for a happy life. Plus, we've been having more sex than any time in our marriage." "Wow, that's pretty good after 25 years, Travis." "Yes, it is," he mused. "So much so that Marge has taken to calling it her 'medicine'." "Oh, yeah?" said Jim. "Is she swallowing it or taking it as a suppository?"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jurak]

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[Jurak]

These are not made up. Check them out yourself.


1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com


2. "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com


3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island " at www.penisland.net


4. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com


5. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at www.powergenitalia.com


6. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com/


7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com/


8. The " First Cumming Methodist Church " Web site is www.cummingfirst.com


9. And the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/

[Jurak]

NEOLOGISMS

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.


8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid .


3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period .

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?

And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.




And the pick of the literature:


16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole!

[katie]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?



















































The pilot, you racist cunt!

[Jurak]

Taser Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...



(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to
allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to
safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION @!
@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute
or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they end
up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return.

Still in shock, Earl ........ :D

[naturochem]

A mexican walks into a bar and says, "Hey, ******, give me a drink." The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn't refer to me as a "******." "Oh man!, I am sure sorry about that bro'. Won't happen again." A few minutes later the spic says, "Hey moon crickett, another round." The bartender says,"Hey, look, I really don't want you calling me "moon crickett" either." The spic says,"sorry bootlips, I didn't mean anything by it." The bartender says, "OK that's it! How would you like it if you were the bartender and I came in here calling you names?" "I don't know, let's find out." So the spic puts on an apron and goes behind the bar and the bartender walks outside and comes back in and shouts, "Hey wetback! I want a fucking drink!" The spic stops washing glasses and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve ******s in here."

[Jano]

How do you know when you're at a homo picnic?






When the hot dogs taste like shit!!!!

[Jano]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?






Christopher Walken!!!!

[naturochem]

What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
.
.
.
.
.
A. One's a bunch a cunning runts.

[SparkieD]

On a recent trip to Hertforshire, a man went to the village of Herbum near Tillet town. While in the local pub, The Cockwell Inn, he met the land lady Lucy Lykes.

They struck up a friendship and he's now started writing to her. Her address is...

Lucy Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Herbum
Tillet
Herts.

[Keeyth]

Um, where did the word 'Herts' come from?

[Anonymous]

Hertforshire.

An abbreviation.

Gawd, explaining jokes sucks.

Cheers! :bottle:

[SparkieD]

Originally posted by Keeyth
Um, where did the word 'Herts' come from?

Uh, short for Hertfordshire, right there in the first line.

[Keeyth]

Got it. Sorry.

[Jurak]

Lucy Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Herbum
Tillet
Herts.



:D

[Jurak]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

(Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour).

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny . (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget .......

:D

[Jurak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/Penisstuck.jpg


pen is stuck...

[Jurak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/focus.jpg

Always Focus on your goals!! :D

[Jurak]

New toy for Christmas-sacre...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/lfgod.jpg

[Jurak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/carlaunching.jpg

[Jurak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/proof.jpg


proof of global warming..........

[ThrillsNSpills]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round
f golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to
return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse
And asked, "Why are you back in so early?

What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your
Stance is too wide."

[Anonymous]

An English family was shopping when the young son picked up a Scotland football shirt and said to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland supporter. I want this shirt for my birthday." His sister was outraged, whacked him upside the head, and screamed, "Talk to your mother!"

The little lad took the blue football shirt to his mom. "Mum, I've decided to be a Scotland supporter. I want this shirt for my birthday." His mother was outraged, whacked him upside the head, and shouted, "Talk to your father!" So he did.

"Dad, I've decided to be a Scotland supporter. I want this shirt for my birthday." His father is outraged and whacked his son upside the head, bellowing, "No son of mine will ever be seen in that!"

An hour later, as they were driving home, his father said sternly, "Son, I hope you've learned your lesson today." The boy replied, "Yes, father, I have." "Good. What did you learn?" The son replied, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and I already hate you English bastards!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jurak]

Elder Sex





may the wind always be in your sails



An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been

going out with each other for a long time.



Urged on by their friends, they decided it was

finally time to get married.



Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.



They discussed finances, living arrangements and so

on.



Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to

broach the subject of their physical relationship.



"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather

trustingly. "



Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."



The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then,

looking over his glasses, he casually asked,



"Is that one word or two?"

:D

[Jurak]

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

[Ozzy Fudd]

Sally is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question, "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again.

Later that night, when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer 'yes' to the question so I can see where he is going with it." She nods to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.

"Do you have vagina?"

"Yes," she says.

The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to start using yours and leave my wife's alone?"

[blonddgirl777]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[Anonymous]

For all you assholes who INSIST that punctuation and proper spelling is not necessary:

Dear John Letter #1 Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you let me be yours? Jane

Dear John Letter #2: Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Jane

Cheers! :bottle:

[Keeyth]

LMAO!! So true!

[katie]

I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.

I named him Mohammed.

This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.

My question is, "Have I made a prophet?"

[Jurak]

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her parents sell her to a travelling freak show. And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day! What a bunch of bullshit. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour. Fuck 'em. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email. Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals. Have a nice day. Billy Connolly P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off

[Jurak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/jesus-is-really-a-dogsass.jpg

[Jurak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/motowned.gif

[Jurak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/nip2.gif

[Jurak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/manatee.gif

[Jurak]

WTF happened here i don't know....

[Jurak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/hilf.gif

[Jurak]

my dog....... then

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/Licker.jpg


my dog now...........

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/binxhat.jpg

[Jurak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/focus.jpg

[Jurak]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/happysanta.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/Jurak/illusions.gif

[jackassrock]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor ?"

Make me one with everything.

[Ozzy Fudd]

i go in to the store and notice an attractive woman waving at me. She says hello. I'm taken aback because i can't place where she knows me from. So i go , "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now my mind travels back to the only time i have ever been unfaithful to my wife and say, "My God, are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?" She looks deep in my eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Come on fuckin laugh ya know ya wanna.

[studly hungwell]

How many Kieth Urbans does it take to screw in a ligt bulb?

[Northern Girl]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Terry]

My wife has always been both a bit shy and coy ever since I've known her. Particularly when it comes to sex.

We dated and lived together several years before we married. In all that time, whenever we were engaged in physical relations, she'd always refer to my penis as a "wee wee." I thought it was a girlishly cute way of referring to it, demonstrating her child-like innocence. Whenever we were getting ready to do it, she'd say "take your wee wee out" or "put your wee wee in me". Her terminology made me feel good...made me feel like I was with a girl who wasn't the town door knob (where everybody got a turn).

Eventually, the Wedding Day arrived. We said our vows. Happiest day of my life. Later that night, we went to our Honeymoon Suite to consummate our union. As we disrobed, she said "when you put your wee wee in me, it will be as man and wife for the first time."

I said to her, "Honey, we're married now. You can call it a cock, rather than calling it a wee wee."

She looked at me, laughed, then pointed down at my penis, exclaiming, "Hey, I've seen PLENTY of cocks in my day, and THAT is a fucking 'wee wee' if ever I saw one!"

[Fairwrning]

A planes is flying over the ocean and losing altitude. The captain has thrown out everything possible and its down to only passengers and crew. He decides to make an announcement asking for volunteers to jump out to try to save the lives of most. No takers. " Ok ..we will do this alphabetically..any African americans on board?"..no takers.
" How bout Black people..any Black people?"..nothing. " Colored people..any Colored people?"... still no volunteers. Little Tyrone looks up at his dad and asks " Dad, arent we all of the above?.." " No,No Son" replies the father.."today we are ******s"..

[Bob_R]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.


The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love.


While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to
his host, 'I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names'.


The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,'
he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and

I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is...

[Take 'Em]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the
door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the
problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

:biggrin:

[Bob_R]

Damn women drivers!

I know you will enjoy this, no matter which sex you are.

This morning on the highway I looked over to my left and there was

a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her

rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds

and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on

that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much that I dropped

my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees

against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear,

which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned

Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers,

and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

[Pennypacker]

-What's long, black, and smells like shit?

-:The Welfare line.

(haha oh man I have to stop listening to Johnny Rebel)

[Mr Walker]

What does a stripper do to her asshole before she goes to work?

Drops him off at band practice.

[Bob_R]

One day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy!

The next day the day was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy!

The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy.

The moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy!

[houseofpain]

How do you know if your roomate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

[houseofpain]

What does 80 year old pussy taste like?

depends...

[houseofpain]

guy walks into a bar, looks at the bar tender says, "give me a shot of Jack".
Bar tender sets him up, he throws it back, slams his shot glass, looks at the bartender says, give me another. So the process repeats itself until he's had 12 shots of Jack.

The bartender says, wow, you must be celebrating something really special.
The guy says, yeah, I sure am. My first blowjob.
The bartender says, well hell that is special! The next one is on me.
The guy says, no thanks. If 12 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing is going to.

[High Life Man]

What is Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon getting for Christmas?




Patrick Swayze

[Bandit02tn]

A Blonde, Redhead and a Brunette were in the OBG/YN office and the Brunette said that thye were having a boy because she was on top, the Redhead said they wer having a girl because her husband was on top.....all of a sudden the Blonde starts crying her eyes out she says"Oh my God we are having puppies:biggrin:

[Bob_R]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Hardrock69]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

The salesman says "Hello son, Is your mom or dad home?".

The little boy says, "What the fuck do you think?"
:D

[standin]

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[Anonymous]

What, got a sense of humour all of a sudden? No one cares about your Youtubes, bitch. They're as fucked up as you are.

* * * * * *

To keep the subject:

Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other. They finally got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called "Yam." When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato" and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her. On the other hand, she didn't intend to stay home and become a Couch Potato. She got plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. And she was careful to avoid those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and those greasers, the French Fries. She even avoided going out west, so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam didn't associate with snooty Yukon Golds or those loose ones who ride around in trucks labeled, "Frito Lay." Yam went to Potato University so that, when she graduated, she'd be in the Chips. But when Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw, Mr. and Mrs. Potato were devastated. "You can't possibly marry Tom Brokaw," they cried. "He's just... a common tater!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Guitar Shark]

A man is driving down a road, and a woman is driving up the same road.

When they pass each other the woman yells out the window, "PIG!" The man yells back, "BITCH!"

The man rounds the next curve and crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and he dies.

That is a very strange joke. :D

[Guitar Shark]

Indeed. :D

[Terry]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

You swore you'd never forget!!

[standin]

How do you get in touch with a terrorist?

Call his cell.
:lmao:
OMG, that's classic!

[sonrisa salvaje]

Did you hear about the woman that grew breasts in her back?
She's not much to look at but she's fun to dance with.

[Kristy]

Q: How can you tell if your roommate is gay?




A: When their dick taste like shit.






Right, I'll get my coat.

[lesfunk]

What's the difference between an Ethiopian and a pair of Levis ?

The Blue Jeans only have one fly on them...

[Anonymous]

Ok, this one's a bit long, but it's worth it, trust me.

* * * * *

I went to "Lowes" recently while not being altogether sure that course of
action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t
yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being
painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it,
the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's
Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred
to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the "Lowes" store, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the den. Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal... I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms
that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about... I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us
at the wrong time...The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in
the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could
take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as clerk in a red
apron turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate... Have you
ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked
into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
laugh....... BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a
few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the
store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and
disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?',
then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to
run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of
the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me... The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously
escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but
leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at
Targets... I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the
whole matter.

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave
all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?' A six year-old boy shouted
out:

"YUV GOTTA BE FECKN' DEAD...."

Cheers! :bottle:

[Candy Girl]

How to give a cat a pill -


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill.....

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


:biggrin:

(and no, I don't hate cats)

[Nickdfresh]

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?


Because she's a woman. (Nick, running away from all female Roth Army posters)

[BottumzUp]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly
can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[LEFTY is Gar's Bitch]

anyone got any good colored jokes.gary told me lots of them but i cant remember any.

[JJ Hobson]

Q: How can you tell if your roommate is gay?




A: When their dick taste[s] like shit.

Nasty--but funny! ... I suppose you would also include this "dude", eh? ... (I would--LOL! :biggrin: ) ...


Metal Sludge: "20 Questions With Zakk Wylde" (http://www.metalsludge.tv/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=207&Itemid=37)

...

An excerpt--to prove my point! ...


10. Finish this sentence, "The biggest misconception about ___________ is?" For example, "The biggest misconception about MTV is that they play videos." You get the idea.
Ozzy is the GodFather of my son
Pro wrestling is kick ass
Pearl Jam is a bunch of candy ass motherfuckers
Anal Sex is awesome when I get the wife drunk
Axl Rose is my friend and the Real Deal!
Kiss is nothing without Ace!
Pantera is beyond fucking Heavy!
Cocaine is for Candy Ass Motherfuckers!
Paul Gargano is an awesome alcoholic!
Touring is beer, beer beer.


:)

[PETE'S BROTHER]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

[ace diamond]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with a smokin hot girl at work, but she was with someone else already. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, "i'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you" The girl looked at him shocked and said, "NO!"Eddie said, 'I'll be real quick. i'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and i'll finish by the time youve picked it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult with her boyfriend, so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money really really fast, and he wont even be able to get his pants down. 'She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriends call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?' Still breathing hard she managed to reply, 'The FUCKER had all quarters.'

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who

talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling

the young officer that she had to get there before

she forgot where she was going?

[rocknrolldork]

A man and his wife were watching a psychology tv show about the phenomenon of mixed emotions. When the show was over the man said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I don't think there is anything anyone can say that would make me feel happy and sad at the same time." The wife replied, "Out of all your friends dear, you have the biggest penis."

[PETE'S BROTHER]

The Dodge City, KS Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Arkansas River bed near the 14th Street Bridge. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently died of excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and an Obama for President in 2008 t-shirt.. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care

[PETE'S BROTHER]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I.. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said,
'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said,
'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

TELL

[ace diamond]

How many Musicians does it take to change a light bulb?






















20!
1 to change it and 19 on the guest list!

[ace diamond]

What do you call a lesbian night club in Alaska?


































A Klondike Bar!

[ace diamond]

How does Sinead O'Connor part her hair?



















































































She Squats!

[PETE'S BROTHER]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and
whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, right?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[diamondsgirl]

President Obama decided to do one of his public addresses against the backdrop of an American farm, but the ceremony couldn't get started because of all the flies buzzing around his head. Obama demanded to know why the flies wouldn't leave, so the farmer explained to him, "Well, those are called circle flies. They always circle around the back end of horses." Obama angrily replied, "Hey, are you saying that I'm a horse's ass?" The farmer answered, "No Sir, Mister President. I would never call someone a horse's ass. It's hard to fool them flies though." :biggrin:

[PETE'S BROTHER]

2547

.

[HarrySchwartz]

Why did the woman have 2 black eyes?


She said no twice!!

[HarrySchwartz]

Blonde Jokes

Q:What do you call one blonde blowing into another blondes ear?

A: Data Transfer!

Q:How does a blonde kill a fish?

A:She drowns it.

Q:How does a blonde kill a worm?

A:She burys it

Q:How does a blonde kill a bird?

A:She throws it of a cliff

[HarrySchwartz]

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

[Candy Girl]

Why did the woman have 2 black eyes?


She said no twice!!

What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? You threaten to punch her. :fufu:

[Anonymous]

An Army general, a Marine general and an Air Force general were debating with a Navy admiral about which soldiers were bravest.

The Air Force general called over an airman and said, "Airman! Climb that flagpole and, once you're at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder' and then jump off!" "Yes, sir!" yelled the airman. He scaled the flagpole like a shot, sang the anthem at the top of his lungs, saluted, jumped off and hit the ground standing at attention. "Now that's bravery!" said the general.

"That's nothing," said the admiral. "Seaman! Take this weapon, scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top at attention, present arms, sing 'Anchors Aweigh,' salute us, and jump off." "Yes, sir!" shouted the seaman. He completed all the tasks perfectly. "Now that's bravery!" said the admiral.

"That's nothing," snorted the Army general. "Private! Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack full of rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down head first." "Yes, sir!" shouted the private and easily completed the task. "Now that's bravery!"

They all looked at the Marine. "Private, put on full combat gear, put pit bulls in your pack, climb that flagpole using only one hand, at the top sing 'The Halls of Montezuma,' put your knife in your teeth and dive off headfirst." The private snapped to attention, looked at his general and shouted, "F*¢k you, sir!" The Marine turned to the others and said, "See? Now that is bravery!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jagermeister]

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bay water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it on to the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The Blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out:















"SHIT !!!... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[PETE'S BROTHER]

JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT

(I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!!)
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and
Asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
Restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give
Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
Shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
Cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of
Hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's
About gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
Restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold
Beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
Said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength
Come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
Kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and
He raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the
Door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting
Disability."

[Whiteflag]

Why do the woman have 2 black eyes?

She said no twice!

[chefcraig]

Why do the woman have 2 black eyes?

She said no twice!

Wow, the poor grammar really sells that one. What a knee-slapper.

[Whiteflag]

What a knee-slapper.

i once put one of my ex-wives on my lap. you figure out what happened next :hee:

[chefcraig]

i once put one of my ex-wives on my lap. you figure out what happened next :hee:

Your considerable lack of hygiene lead her to run screaming for fresh air and jumping out of a porthole?

[fifth element]

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com'.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, 'Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'


And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said,

'How, dear?'

And Dot replied,

'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.


And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say,

'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others'. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known 'eBay' he said,

'We need a name that reflects what we are.'
And Dot replied,

'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'

'YAHOO!' exclaimed Abraham.


And that is how it all began.

Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

in your own word "ugghh"

[fifth element]

in your own word "ugghh"

LOLOL...i thought it was funny enough to share...lol

[ace diamond]

what's brown and has holes?

[sadaist]

what's brown and has holes?


The hooker down the street?

[Keeyth]

what's brown and has holes?
Yeah, there are way too many things that could be... lol!

[chefcraig]

what's brown and has holes?

Your best pair of underwear?

[ace diamond]

what's brown and has holes?
swiss shit!

[ace diamond]

Your best pair of underwear?
what underwear?
i'm freeballin'!

[ace diamond]

The hooker down the street?

no, not pam.............no thank you..........not on your life............or mine!

[Jérôme Frenchise]

A heavy boozer comes up against one of his mates who's carrying two big shopping bags
full of beer packs and a French baguette under his armpit.
"Would you like to join in? I'm doing a dinner party tonight. Look, I have everything here."

The other guy goes: "What are you gonna do with all that bread?"

[Hardrock69]

http://i55.tinypic.com/2m85u1s.gif

[Hardrock69]

http://i51.tinypic.com/xghzdw.gif

[Shaun Ponsonby]

Two antennas meet on a rooftop and get married. The wedding was shit, but the reception was excellent.

You are welcome.

[sadaist]

SUMBICH!

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and
flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'


'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

[Jagermeister]

:biggrin:

[ThrillsNSpills]

A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.

The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A man's voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the
window?"

"Uh, yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.. I'll give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for
you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.. After about three hours
of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes
and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe
in genies?"

[Hardrock69]

A guy goes into a pet store and he's just browsing around. Nobody there but him and the shopkeeper.

All of a sudden a customer busts in, runs up to the counter, slams $500 down and yells "I NEED A SESSION MONKEY RIGHT NOW!"

The shopkeeper calmly goes to the back, takes a monkey out of a cage of several, leads him to the counter and hands him over.

"THANKS BUDDY!" and the guy is gone.

So the guy walks over to the counter and says, "you know, I don't mean to pry but that was kind of odd, what's a session monkey and why is he $500?"

"Well, a session monkey can play 10 different instruments all at the virtuoso level. He can save any session and can sight read a chart better than anybody."

"Wow," the man said, "that's impressive!" And he continues browsing the fish tanks. Pretty soon another customer busts in the door. He slams $1,000 on the counter and says "I NEED A MIXER MONKEY AND I NEED HIM NOW!"

The shopkeeper calmly walks to the same cage, removes another monkey and leads him to the counter and hands him over.

"THANKS A MILLION!" the guy says and hauls ass out with his monkey.

"Ok," the guy says, "I just HAVE to ask. What is a MIXER MONKEY, and why is he twice the price of a session monkey? What does HE do?"

"Well," the shopkeeper explains, "the mixer monkey is fluent on any desk, any outboard gear and all recording formats. He is a Jedi mixer and can take any conglomeration of tracks and make a million-selling cut out of them no matter WHAT they sound like to start with."

"Wow," our hero says, "that's pretty impressive!" and he goes back to browsing the hamster cages.

Mere minutes later a third man roars into the shop screaming and wailing and gnashing his teeth. He careens into the counter knocking over several displays of pet accessories.

"I MUST HAVE A PRODUCER MONKEY RIGHT NOW!!" he screamed at the shopkeeper and plunks $5,000 cash down.

The shopkeeper remains nonplussed, walks calmly to the cage and draws out a third monkey. He leads the new monkey back to the counter and hands it to the customer who sprints back out the door.

"Ok," the guy says, "that was bizarre. What in the WORLD is the story here? A producer monkey? What does HE do??"

The shopkeeper replies, "So far as I can tell, not a goddamn thing but I can get $5,000 apiece for 'em!"

[Jagermeister]

Classic!

Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!

And there is more.............
The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use..... The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. .......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....

[VAiN]

I heard this one a few days ago.... It's super offensive... so I love it.

What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?




















Michael Phelps can finish a race.

Ba-Zing!!!!

[Bob_R]

Why isn't this thread a sticky anymore? Been stickied (is that a word?) for years.

[sadaist]

Why isn't this thread a sticky anymore? Been stickied (is that a word?) for years.


Agree. I had to search for it.

[sadaist]

Depressed?


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed

[ThrillsNSpills]

Why do lesbians look forward to menopause?







Because they finally get to have a moustache.

[LoungeMachine]

Agree. I had to search for it.

my condolences.....

:gulp:

Restickyfieded

[Jérôme Frenchise]

2012 years and a few days ago, Nativity... Mary and Joseph have just gone shopping,
and the donkey is already making the ox.

Baby Jesus, outraged, goes:

- How shocking! What a way to behave! I'm here, if you don't mind...

Then the donkey replies:

- Oh, come on! It's X-mas Day, isn't it!

[lesfunk]

My wife asked me "When you go on the road with the band do you ever think of me?"
I said "Only when I'm gonna come too fast."

[Hardrock69]

Was making a comment to WARF on his being selected to represent Roth Army at the VH Cafe Wha? show.....ended my post with "I GOTS TO KNOW!".

Was thinking of posting an image to drive the post home (decided against it), but came across this hilarious cartoon:

http://i40.tinypic.com/6e3ync.png

[Jagermeister]

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying,
'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[Bob_R]

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

[vandeleur]

My new favourite chat up line
" does this rag smell of chloroform to you "

[private parts]

Not sure this is a JOKE, but I laughed my ass off!
:lmao:

[envy_me]

Here's an oldie but a goodie:

A blind man walks past a fish market and says "Hello ladies!"

[PETE'S BROTHER]

what's worse than a cardboard box?

[PETE'S BROTHER]

what's worse than a cardboard box?

paper tits.... lord

[envy_me]

http://cdn.iwastesomuchtime.com/March-30-2012-18-26-12-ikeainterview.jpg

[envy_me]

A guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

"This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!"

"And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..."

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat. The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie"

[envy_me]

I've seen this one a thousend times, and I still laugh out loud every time i see it :D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmOTpIVxji8

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Women have three pairs of lips:

with the first pair they get mean... and forgiven with the other four lips.

[envy_me]

How come this thread is practicly dead. Come on ppl, I wanna laugh.

Steve Riks as both Simon and Garfunkel. It's the same guy doing both of them :O


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuvrcmzgZBs

[envy_me]

Stevie Riks both as Freddie and Paul, lmao. He is great!! Poor Freddie "I'd perfer it if you didn't." :D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8E4WDUzIMw

[Diamondjimi]

What's the difference between Courtney Love and a hockey team?

A hockey team showers after 3 periods! :biggrin:

[fourthcoming]

Stevie Riks both as Freddie and Paul, lmao. He is great!! Poor Freddie "I'd perfer it if you didn't." :D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8E4WDUzIMw

This was pretty damn funny.....that dude does a great McCartney.

[envy_me]

This was pretty damn funny.....that dude does a great McCartney.

He is amazing!! He does great Freddie too. And great Simon and Garfunkel.

Here he is doing Keith Richards :D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srVZEGj6TJs

[fifth element]

What time is it when you see 16 ducks crossing the road?
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It's 15 after one, of course!

[fifth element]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

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To show the opossum that it really COULD be done!!!

[ELVIS]

What's long and hard on a black man ??








































Third grade...

[Angel]

What's long and hard on a black man ??








































Third grade...

There you go with your racist shit again. Not funny, and about as un-christian as you can get.

[jhale667]

There you go with your racist shit again. Not funny, and about as un-christian as you can get.

Three guesses what the last long hard black thing that was in his wife was... ;)

[Angel]

Three guesses what the last long hard black thing that was in his wife was... ;)

Yeah, his rotting dick...oh wait, that's not long...

[envy_me]

Have you guys seen that hillarious "how racism started"-picture :D There is a dick in it, so I won't post, but you can google :D

[lesfunk]

A wife says to the husband "If you rode the bus to work we wouldn't need two cars"
The husband says "If you let me fuck you in the ass and come on your face we wouldn't need the babysitter."

[Dave's Bitch]

Kind of a racist UK joke but what do you get if you cross harvey price with a roll of sellotape?


Sticky black spastic

[envy_me]

Kind of a racist UK joke but what do you get if you cross harvey price with a roll of sellotape?


Sticky black spastic

Lmao, omg :D

[Dave's Bitch]

I know.I felt bad for laughing at that one

[envy_me]

Here is one racist joke:

An arab at the airport:
- Name?
- Abdul al Rahzib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no...I mean Male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn´t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no deer, deer run too fast..

[envy_me]

Fritzl asks:

"Hello there, feel like coming down to my basement?"

"No, thank you."

"Oh, come on, I incest!" :D

[envy_me]

http://www.buzzhunt.co.uk/wp-content/2011/04/penny.png

[Angel]

Fritzl asks:

"Hello there, feel like coming down to my basement?"

"No, thank you."

"Oh, come on, I incest!" :D

So your dad was the first married man you fucked????

[DLR Bridge]

So your dad was the first married man you fucked????

Ba BOOOOMMMM!!!!

[envy_me]

So your dad was the first married man you fucked????

Fritzl as in Josef Fritzl. Look it up.

[envy_me]

From a menu in Thailand :D

http://www.vincentchow.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/swedish_breakfast.jpg

[Angel]

Fritzl as in Josef Fritzl. Look it up.

Zooooooooommmm......












That was the 747 flying over Envy's head.

[envy_me]

http://tjuvtittat.se/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/bil.jpg