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Bill Gates To Buy Mars!
By JOHN CARTEROF
Financial Reporter
Redmond, Wash.
BILL GATES is the wealthiest man in the history of planet Earth -- if we discount the massive collection of beads recently found in the cave of Kromaguez, a prehistoric man who lived in the North of Spain, and also had a summer cave in the South of France. One would think the founder of Microsoft has no more mountains to climb. That's far from true, and those mountains are not on this planet.
And now a company insider is telling Weekly World News that Gates, the man who revolutionized the world of computing with Windows, plans to move from cyberspace to outer space. His target? Not Earth but Mars, the fourth planet from the sun. The reason? "Because it's there," our source laughs. "He thinks it's the next logical step. The age of computers was launched by the machines we created to explore space. To come up with the next generation of computers, Gates believes we need to go back into space.
"He also mentioned he wanted a new vacation home, something with a whole lot of privacy." Mars would certainly give him that. The latest data from the Red Planet shows it to be cold and lifeless.
"It's like Finnadigbodagattir on a Thursday night," laughed Einar Fredrikktsen, who is arranging the sale. He is the Greenland ambassador at the United Nations.
Not that the real estate purchase process came easily. As an uninhabited world, Mars fell under the jurisdiction of the United Nations Institute of Technology (UNIT). When the UN first decided to sell the Red Planet as a fund-raiser for peacekeeping efforts -- ironic since Mars was the Roman god of war -- Helki Santgar also made a bid to buy it. Though the international home-furnishing store mogul had the cash, his computer mysteriously malfunctioned when he was submitting his final bid. He also didn't have a way of actually getting to Mars. Neither did an anonymous third bidder who lives in Springfield, Ohio.
"We are at least fairly assured that Gates would have no difficulty commuting," said UNIT chairman Fredrikktsen. "The people at Microsoft are apparently developing a new version of Windows to make the trip -- something like 'Microsoft Wormhole.' "
Microsoft Wormhole will essentially be a matter-transporter, our source tells WWN. There are rumors the traveler would be digitally disassembled by a computer or cell-phone attachment, sent through Windows software and reconstituted at his destination.
"Developers will allegedly debug the program by going through the wormhole themselves," our insider explained. "So far, the worst that's happened is that an engineer somehow acquired another ear."
One feature in particular which our source thinks could be "the next big thing" is the compression utility which provides an instant five-pound weight loss per transport.
"We call it a super-'fast' program since it keeps you from eating," he chuckled. "It's better than exercise. Thanks to the passive nature of the Internet, we have a huge and 'spreading' community of potential users, if you get my drift."
"I hope Wormhole works as well as the Windows Millennium Edition," whined W. Smithers, who represented the bidder from Springfield. "If not, we have hounds that we'll send to pull him out."
The purchase also has political ramifications. Reporters who attended a recent press conference with President Bush asked him if he would ever consider visiting Mr. Gates in his new home. According to them, he said, "You bet. I've always dreamed of vacationing closer to the sun. And -- it's a red state, right?"
"Yes, sir," they replied patiently.
"Sure. It's the moon that's blue," they say the President went on. "Well, the democrats can have the moon," he said, gesturing toward his seat.
People who have bought homes know how exhausting the process can be. We asked our Microsoft source what Bill Gates thinks it would be like to buy an entire world.
"It would be rough, I can tell you that, though not quite as difficult as drawing up his prenup," the source explained. "Plus there's two moons which would have to be bought separately. If you stacked them up, the documents alone would reach his new planet from here.
"It's not simply a matter of buying land," he continued. "As Weekly World News has reported on numerous occasions, alien law is a real growth market. If microbes or amoeba are discovered on Mars their rights have to be preserved without reservations. Or rather, with reservations," he said with a wink, alluding to accommodations made for Native Americans.
Microsoft has also allegedly hired legal experts to draw up proprietary software licenses for the Red Planet. According to our man, "It will work like region codes on DVD players. If Wormhole users pick up any viruses on Mars they won't infect Earth hardware and vice versa."
When asked whether Gates plans to pick up a few more astral bodies when he's firmly entrenched on Mars, our wellinformed source stated, "The sky's the limit. He's got his eye on Pluto. Naturally, I guess he wants to build a dog house there."
Financial Reporter
Redmond, Wash.
BILL GATES is the wealthiest man in the history of planet Earth -- if we discount the massive collection of beads recently found in the cave of Kromaguez, a prehistoric man who lived in the North of Spain, and also had a summer cave in the South of France. One would think the founder of Microsoft has no more mountains to climb. That's far from true, and those mountains are not on this planet.
And now a company insider is telling Weekly World News that Gates, the man who revolutionized the world of computing with Windows, plans to move from cyberspace to outer space. His target? Not Earth but Mars, the fourth planet from the sun. The reason? "Because it's there," our source laughs. "He thinks it's the next logical step. The age of computers was launched by the machines we created to explore space. To come up with the next generation of computers, Gates believes we need to go back into space.
"He also mentioned he wanted a new vacation home, something with a whole lot of privacy." Mars would certainly give him that. The latest data from the Red Planet shows it to be cold and lifeless.
"It's like Finnadigbodagattir on a Thursday night," laughed Einar Fredrikktsen, who is arranging the sale. He is the Greenland ambassador at the United Nations.
Not that the real estate purchase process came easily. As an uninhabited world, Mars fell under the jurisdiction of the United Nations Institute of Technology (UNIT). When the UN first decided to sell the Red Planet as a fund-raiser for peacekeeping efforts -- ironic since Mars was the Roman god of war -- Helki Santgar also made a bid to buy it. Though the international home-furnishing store mogul had the cash, his computer mysteriously malfunctioned when he was submitting his final bid. He also didn't have a way of actually getting to Mars. Neither did an anonymous third bidder who lives in Springfield, Ohio.
"We are at least fairly assured that Gates would have no difficulty commuting," said UNIT chairman Fredrikktsen. "The people at Microsoft are apparently developing a new version of Windows to make the trip -- something like 'Microsoft Wormhole.' "
Microsoft Wormhole will essentially be a matter-transporter, our source tells WWN. There are rumors the traveler would be digitally disassembled by a computer or cell-phone attachment, sent through Windows software and reconstituted at his destination.
"Developers will allegedly debug the program by going through the wormhole themselves," our insider explained. "So far, the worst that's happened is that an engineer somehow acquired another ear."
One feature in particular which our source thinks could be "the next big thing" is the compression utility which provides an instant five-pound weight loss per transport.
"We call it a super-'fast' program since it keeps you from eating," he chuckled. "It's better than exercise. Thanks to the passive nature of the Internet, we have a huge and 'spreading' community of potential users, if you get my drift."
"I hope Wormhole works as well as the Windows Millennium Edition," whined W. Smithers, who represented the bidder from Springfield. "If not, we have hounds that we'll send to pull him out."
The purchase also has political ramifications. Reporters who attended a recent press conference with President Bush asked him if he would ever consider visiting Mr. Gates in his new home. According to them, he said, "You bet. I've always dreamed of vacationing closer to the sun. And -- it's a red state, right?"
"Yes, sir," they replied patiently.
"Sure. It's the moon that's blue," they say the President went on. "Well, the democrats can have the moon," he said, gesturing toward his seat.
People who have bought homes know how exhausting the process can be. We asked our Microsoft source what Bill Gates thinks it would be like to buy an entire world.
"It would be rough, I can tell you that, though not quite as difficult as drawing up his prenup," the source explained. "Plus there's two moons which would have to be bought separately. If you stacked them up, the documents alone would reach his new planet from here.
"It's not simply a matter of buying land," he continued. "As Weekly World News has reported on numerous occasions, alien law is a real growth market. If microbes or amoeba are discovered on Mars their rights have to be preserved without reservations. Or rather, with reservations," he said with a wink, alluding to accommodations made for Native Americans.
Microsoft has also allegedly hired legal experts to draw up proprietary software licenses for the Red Planet. According to our man, "It will work like region codes on DVD players. If Wormhole users pick up any viruses on Mars they won't infect Earth hardware and vice versa."
When asked whether Gates plans to pick up a few more astral bodies when he's firmly entrenched on Mars, our wellinformed source stated, "The sky's the limit. He's got his eye on Pluto. Naturally, I guess he wants to build a dog house there."
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