Avian Flu Now More Popular Than Bush

[Guitar Shark]

In a seemingly ominous development for the White House, a new survey released today indicates that the avian flu is now more popular than President George W. Bush.

The poll, which was taken by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, puts the President’s approval rating at 34 percent, well behind the avian flu at 46 percent.

While the President’s numbers have been trending downward for the last several weeks, the White House was reportedly stunned to learn that the President is now significantly less popular than a deadly bird-borne pandemic.

“There’s no way for the White House to spin these numbers,” said the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon, who supervised the survey. “When a pandemic that threatens the world’s bird population is more popular than you are, you’re in serious political trouble.”

According to Mr. Logsdon, the avian flu gets higher marks for honesty than President Bush does: “The bird pandemic at least comes out and says it is a bird pandemic, and voters find that refreshing.”

Mr. Logsdon said that the one way for the President to increase his popularity vis-à-vis the avian flu would be to eradicate the avian flu, possibly by having Vice President Dick Cheney take out his shotgun and shoot at the world’s birds.

But even this strategy carries with it certain risks: “Thousands of people could wind up getting shot in the face.”

Elsewhere, the Penguin Group paid a reported $8.5 million for former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan’s memoirs, hoping to appeal to the millions of Americans who currently use Ambien.

Link (http://www.borowitzreport.com/Default.asp)

[knuckleboner]

don't blame me, i voted for SARS!

[Nickdfresh]

A blast from the past: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28978

:D

[Nitro Express]

Ok. I used to do marketing research and that study is flawed. A presidents approval rating is based on people thinking he's doing a good job in office.

The statistic on the avian flu is how many people believe it is a real potential problem. Not an apporval rating.

Whoever published this flunked out of basic Statistics 101 because they are comparing apples and oranges. It's like the article was published by some flunky who does not understand basic population sampeling or data categorization.

Just say, George W. Bush sucks smelly pubic hair.

[Guitar Shark]

Originally posted by Nitro Express
Ok. I used to do marketing research and that study is flawed. A presidents approval rating is based on people thinking he's doing a good job in office.

The statistic on the avian flu is how many people believe it is a real potential problem. Not an apporval rating.

Whoever published this flunked out of basic Statistics 101 because they are comparing apples and oranges. It's like the article was published by some flunky who does not understand basic population sampeling or data categorization.

Just say, George W. Bush sucks smelly pubic hair.

Dude, it was a satire. Fake news. Like the Onion.

Loved the last sentence of your post though :)

[Nitro Express]

Originally posted by Guitar Shark
Dude, it was a satire. Fake news. Like the Onion.

Loved the last sentence of your post though :)

Shit. The stuff they put in the real news is sometimes worse so how in the hell was I suppossed to know? LOL!

[Nickdfresh]

Does this article not connect my last two avatars. It's Karma:
:D

Clinton Escapes Through Air Vent

July 22, 1998 | Issue 33•25

WASHINGTON, DC—Independent counsel Kenneth Starr's investigation into the behavior of Bill Clinton suffered a major setback Monday, when the embattled president escaped through an air vent minutes before he was to testify before a federal grand jury.

Enlarge ImageClinton Escapes Through Air Vent

President Clinton

Clinton's dramatic escape occurred at the William O. Douglas Federal Courthouse, to which he had been subpoenaed for questioning about alleged perjury in the Linda Tripp/Monica Lewinsky affair.

Though Starr and other federal prosecutors immediately sounded the building's red alert, touching off a full-scale manhunt for Clinton, the president has not been located as of press time.

The air-vent escape took place shortly after 3 p.m., when law-enforcement personnel left Clinton unattended in a waiting room adjacent to the grand-jury chambers, only to discover the president missing upon their return several minutes later.

"At first, we had no idea how he had gotten out," said Brian Kolterman, one of two federal agents assigned to guard the room in which Clinton was being held. Upon discovering the escape, the two agents reportedly pinwheeled wildly about the room, bewildered because there was no secondary door through which the president could have left. "It didn't make any sense."

Within minutes, Starr had been apprised of Clinton's escape and demanded an explanation from the two guards. "We fumbled for something to say, but there was no accounting for the president's disappearance," Kolterman said. "But then, Starr looked up toward the ceiling."

An expression of rage, witnesses reported, came over Starr's face as the befuddled agents followed the special investigator's gaze overhead. There, in the middle of the ceiling, a grid panel covering one of the building's ventilation shafts had been removed and was sitting diagonally askew in its casing, as if it had been hastily replaced.

"You fools! He's in the air vent!" Starr shouted at the agents, slamming his fist into his open palm. "After him!"

Added Starr: "Curses! Just when I thought I had Clinton nailed for perjury, he somehow eludes my grasp yet again!"

Exactly what happened after Clinton crawled into the courthouse's labyrinthine network of ventilator ducts is unknown as of press time. However, the president was briefly spotted when a group of reporters playing cards in an unoccupied courtroom noticed plaster falling from the ceiling onto their table, prompting them to look up and see the president's surprised face gazing down at them from a ceiling grate.

The reporters immediately opened fire, riddling the ceiling area with questions. When the smoke cleared, however, Clinton was nowhere to be found.

Enlarge ImageClinton Escapes Through Air Vent jump

FBI agents gather outside Washington, D.C.'s William O. Douglas Federal Courthouse shortly after President Clinton's ventilation-duct escape.

"He apparently secured himself behind a sheet-metal barricade and then must have escaped down a nearby side-hatch," NBC News reporter Tim Russert said.

"But even still," Russert continued, "that doesn't explain how he made it through the booby-trapped pool of electric eels. How does he do it? No other man has ever faced the eels and lived."

Upon learning of the electric eels' defeat at the hands of the president, Starr reportedly cradled their lifeless bodies in his arms, saying through sobs, "My precious, precious pets... you shall be avenged. Oh, yes, you shall be avenged."

Throughout his presidency, Clinton has shown an uncanny knack for escaping trouble, demonstrating an ability to work his way out of the most seemingly impossible predicaments. In 1992, while campaigning for president, he narrowly averted incriminating allegations about a longterm affair with Gennifer Flowers by grabbing a rope ladder hanging from an overhead helicopter and flying off. In March 1997, he foiled Whitewater prosecutors with an ingenious pocket-sized combination tranquilizer-blowdart/fountain pen.

Clinton's most impressive escape, however, came earlier this year, when, stabbed 23 times in the torso and left leg, he avoided implication in numerous campaign-fundraising scandals by diving shirtless into the Potomac River from atop the blazing Democratic Party headquarters, mere moments before the flaming structure exploded.

"Many insiders thought for sure that prosecutors had Clinton that time," George Washington University political analyst Jonas Mattson said. "Conventional wisdom held that no human could have survived that deadly plunge. But when Clinton finally surfaced, gripping a dagger between his teeth and waving confidently to cameramen on the scene, the nay-sayers were reduced to such clichés as, 'Curse him! Does this Clinton have nine lives?' Trite as it may sound, perhaps he does."

[ULTRAMAN VH]

Yeah, he is a real SUPER HERO?? If he had spent more time running the country than behaving like his mentor JFK, chasing skirts, he may have gone down in history as a great President. Nothing wrong with chasing skirts mind you, just get your priorities straight. This guy not only cheated on his wife, he lied to the American people. Mr. Integrity he was not.

[Nitro Express]

I think Clinton should be praised for making such an ugly girl feel good by showing attention towards her. He made her feel so wonderful about herself, she kept the dress.

[Angel]

I bet she's learned how to swallow now, eh? ;)