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The New Rules by George Carlin
1.New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people
for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football
team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
2.New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout?
3.New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a
better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
4.New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're
pictures of men.
5.New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
6.New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is
called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
7.New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.
8.New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a
"decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge asshole.
9.New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
10.New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack
of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The
last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to
God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
11.New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of
the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at
the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show.
12.New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra
hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
13.New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give
everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's
playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
14.New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to
be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and
having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
the white people's version of looting.
15.New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel
and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't
even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak
with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.
16.New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do
just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in
the first place.
-j:p
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people
for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football
team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
2.New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout?
3.New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a
better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
4.New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're
pictures of men.
5.New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
6.New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is
called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
7.New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.
8.New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a
"decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge asshole.
9.New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
10.New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack
of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The
last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to
God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
11.New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of
the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at
the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show.
12.New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra
hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
13.New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give
everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's
playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
14.New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to
be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and
having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
the white people's version of looting.
15.New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel
and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't
even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak
with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.
16.New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do
just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in
the first place.
-j:p
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