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To Mike Sobolewski, aka The Bass Player:
Bass Player, we know that some combination of you and/or your daughters read these sites, and we know you and the girls can't help but read Roth Army. This open letter is for you, bitch.
1. The Stupidest Luck in Rock. You don't deserve the job you've had. Has anyone in the history of rock stepped in a bigger pile of luckier shit than you? You go to high school with one of the most influential guitarists in the history of music, and the frontman of all frontmen. You're balding at age 22, but can sing in key and in a falsetto. Welcome to Van Halen!
2. A Go-fer, A Mime, A Yes-Man. Bass Player, I don't have as much admiration as some others have been by your recent spilling of beans about the goings-on at Howdy Doody Mountain. Where were you and your mouth for 25 years before that? Keeping the fuck quiet in exchange for crumbs from the Van Halen table, that's where. Guess your accountant recently told you and Mrs. Sobolewski that, in the twilight of your career, you had finally stashed enough crumbs away that you don't need to take as much direction from the sisters. So now, with Sammy Bette Buffet getting your back, you run your mouth. I'm not impressed. Too little, too late. You will always be a yes-man in my book.
3. No Talent. Dude, what's it like knowing that your bass solo is a running joke among the fanbase, and that at any given show a significant percentage of the crowd uses your time in the spotlight as their bathroom break? You're a hack, not fit to shine the musical shoes of Eddie V. and Roth.
4. No Accounting For Bad Taste. Way to be best friends with Sammy Hagar. Now that's something to put on your Hall of Fame application. You made timeless music, and shared a stage with, David Lee Roth. Now run around drunk with an overweight Bette Midler impersonator, playing to half-empty clubs of fat mid-western Nascar fans sporting mullets and squeezing genetically undesirable wives, pretending you're happy and fulfilled. Is this where you imagined your life the first time you listened to the masters for Fair Warning? Is this the future you saw in 1984. I highly doubt it.
5. Friend of the Fan? A lot of fans think you're the only one in the bad who's on their side. What a joke. Being the lesser evil means exactly that -- you're a little less evil. You suck, dude. I'm a nobody, but at least I can say I didn't let my boss serve me feces for decades and publicly eat it with a grin on my face. At least I didn't contribute to the ruin of something amazing. Being the dim bulb of the band doesn't make you any less guilty for what's been perpetrated on fans for the last 20 years.
Bass Player, we know that some combination of you and/or your daughters read these sites, and we know you and the girls can't help but read Roth Army. This open letter is for you, bitch.
1. The Stupidest Luck in Rock. You don't deserve the job you've had. Has anyone in the history of rock stepped in a bigger pile of luckier shit than you? You go to high school with one of the most influential guitarists in the history of music, and the frontman of all frontmen. You're balding at age 22, but can sing in key and in a falsetto. Welcome to Van Halen!
2. A Go-fer, A Mime, A Yes-Man. Bass Player, I don't have as much admiration as some others have been by your recent spilling of beans about the goings-on at Howdy Doody Mountain. Where were you and your mouth for 25 years before that? Keeping the fuck quiet in exchange for crumbs from the Van Halen table, that's where. Guess your accountant recently told you and Mrs. Sobolewski that, in the twilight of your career, you had finally stashed enough crumbs away that you don't need to take as much direction from the sisters. So now, with Sammy Bette Buffet getting your back, you run your mouth. I'm not impressed. Too little, too late. You will always be a yes-man in my book.
3. No Talent. Dude, what's it like knowing that your bass solo is a running joke among the fanbase, and that at any given show a significant percentage of the crowd uses your time in the spotlight as their bathroom break? You're a hack, not fit to shine the musical shoes of Eddie V. and Roth.
4. No Accounting For Bad Taste. Way to be best friends with Sammy Hagar. Now that's something to put on your Hall of Fame application. You made timeless music, and shared a stage with, David Lee Roth. Now run around drunk with an overweight Bette Midler impersonator, playing to half-empty clubs of fat mid-western Nascar fans sporting mullets and squeezing genetically undesirable wives, pretending you're happy and fulfilled. Is this where you imagined your life the first time you listened to the masters for Fair Warning? Is this the future you saw in 1984. I highly doubt it.
5. Friend of the Fan? A lot of fans think you're the only one in the bad who's on their side. What a joke. Being the lesser evil means exactly that -- you're a little less evil. You suck, dude. I'm a nobody, but at least I can say I didn't let my boss serve me feces for decades and publicly eat it with a grin on my face. At least I didn't contribute to the ruin of something amazing. Being the dim bulb of the band doesn't make you any less guilty for what's been perpetrated on fans for the last 20 years.
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