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THE WEST IS THE BEST
By Mark Miller
SAN FRANCISCO -- The Golden Gate Bridge is one of the most recognizable and economically vital spans in the nation. So it was not surprising when the U.S. Office of Homeland Security (OHS) discovered the bridge listed on a terrorist memo of potential targets.
However, working with the San Francisco Police Department, the OHS has devised a plan to keep the bridge safe.
"We've hired 25 young, beautiful women willing to remove all their clothing and station themselves at strategic points on and approaching the bridge," explained San Francisco Police Public Information Officer Bruce Onder.
"Hopefully, that will keep religious radicals from coming near the structure."
According to Dr. Henry Chilvers, Professor Emeritus of Religion and Morality at the University of Sprituality in Sacramento, "Many orthodox faiths demand that a woman cover herself completely, excluding the face and hands, from men except her husband. Most religious zealots who would harm our nation are youths who have not seen one naked woman, let alone many. The shock, shame or simple eye-popping spectacle is going to make them do a U-turn pretty quickly. Or else drive into the bay, which is just as good."
Operation Bust Attacks, as the project has been named, is scheduled to begin within the next two weeks. Are any problems anticipated?
"Oh, we imagine we'll get some complaints from the Religious Right and from parents of small children," responded Onder. "But it's the 'new normal' so they'll just have to cover some eyes and deal with it."
If Operation Bust Attacks is a success, arrangements will immediately be made to have naked women stationed at the Statue of Liberty, Mount Rushmore, the Alamo and Independence Hall.
Expressing the OHS sentiments in a remark that is sure to live alongside Sherman's "War is Hell" and MacArthur's "I shall return," Onder commented, "If the enemy wants to fight dirty, we'll give 'em dirty."
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