Good grief?

[Ellyllions]

Forgive me for a moment while I feel a little sorry for myself.

But I'm wodering if there's such a thing as good grief. The kind of crying that you do when you're so touched by an idea that it feels like pain. No, I'm not on drugs or even an alcohol buzz. It's 8am here which is much too early for either.

What brings me to this is my Grandmother. Almost a year ago, I got a telephone call that my 94 year old Grandmother had been taken to the ER and would probably not come out. Miraculously she did make it out of the hospital and into nursing care until yesterday about noon.

It was determined a year ago that she had terminal colon cancer that would slowly take her life. At 94, it's sadly pointless to administer chemo because it puts such a tax on the heart. So during the months I made the trek to see her as often as possible. Every time I was blindingly suprised by the fact that not only was she completely aware of her condition even though she was being administered regular doses of morphine, but she couldn't stop talking about seeing and being with Grandfather again.

When he passed in 2000 they had been married 72 years. They were lovers from the tender age of 14, had 11 children together, and had seen the loss of 2 of those children throughout the course of their marriage. And there she was, lying in her nursing home bed worrying about him seeing her with her swollen tummy. She actually told me that she hoped that her "new body" wouldn't have that "bump". She giggled when she said it. I was touched. In times like these it's hard to know what real love is between people. You love your children, but your spouse.....well, after a few years it gets easier to ignore what you felt years before. Imagine feeling that way for over 70 years.

Grandmother left us yesterday and I did cry but I wondered why I was crying when she was so excited about leaving. Could it be possible that I was happy for her, or was it because a part of my own life was gone? Is that selfish? To cry over what you lost when someone dies...or is it our selfish nature to be sad that something was taken from you?

Is there such a thing as good grief?

I guess I'll find out when I'm at the funeral home tonight.


BTW, I have to thank LoungeMachine.
You taught me something the other night and I really appreciate it.

[bueno bob]

Re: Good grief?

Originally posted by Ellyllions
...Is there such a thing as good grief?...

I discovered it was true at my Mother's funeral.

Unfortunately, I had some asshole party crasher who was drunk and high who was REALLY OFFENDED to find out he couldn't participare (nobody knew who he was, and I found out later that he never knew my mother at all...just drunk and high...) to make it a splendid affair...but such is the way of things...

But yeah, grief can be good, and relaxing.

[Hardrock69]

Sorry to hear about your Grandma.

She had a long and happy life, though.

Can't deny that.

[FORD]

Grief can be a good thing sometimes. I lost all 4 of my grandparents within a decade or so. One of my grandfathers was more or less old age, and though he was in and out of the hospital the last two years of his life, he had 89 good years before that.

He was the luckiest of the 4, unfortunately. The rest of them, in order of death, were kidney failure, Alzheimers Disease, and Parkinson's Disease.

When you see someone suffering like that, especially when it gets to the end, it's like they are asking your permission to leave this world. That is, if they know you at all. And that sucks, when you have to tell them that it's OK for them to "go".

So of course, it's good to grieve. It's neccessary, or you'll end up on some shrink's couch later. Because the loss is really YOURS and your families. Not your Grandma. Her grief is over, and from your description, she certainly made her peace with it.

So mourn for your loss, but celebrate her life, if that makes any sense.

[Ozzy Fudd]

Re: Good grief?

Originally posted by Ellyllions
To cry over what you lost when someone dies...or is it our selfish nature to be sad that something was taken from you?
Is there such a thing as good grief?

Try and look at it this way Elly...
We cry our hearts out when our loved ones part from us, But imagine a ocean sun set and your Grandma on a ship going towards that sun set.... we cry so hard knowing that we will never see her again as she gets farther and farther from our view, But ...on the other side of this sun set there is a group of people waiting for her to come and grandpa is one of them and he is crying tears of joy, for he is happy to see coming.

[frets5150]

Re: Re: Good grief?

Originally posted by bueno bob
I discovered it was true at my Mother's funeral.

Unfortunately, I had some asshole party crasher who was drunk and high who was REALLY OFFENDED to find out he couldn't participare (nobody knew who he was, and I found out later that he never knew my mother at all...just drunk and high...) to make it a splendid affair...but such is the way of things...

But yeah, grief can be good, and relaxing.

And that guy didn't leave by Ambulance ?

[FORD]

Re: Re: Re: Good grief?

Originally posted by frets5150
And that guy didn't leave by Ambulance ?

Ambulance my ass. I'd just tell the grave diggers to get another hole ready......

[frets5150]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Good grief?

Originally posted by FORD
Ambulance my ass. I'd just tell the grave diggers to get another hole ready......

Amen

[Northern Girl]

Originally posted by FORD
Because the loss is really YOURS and your families.

That's interesting. Of course, it makes sense, but I don't feel that way about my dad. I've never felt bad for me. I've always been sad for him that he went so young and didn't get to do so many things. And, of course, my mom who lost her best friend.

The whole thing has been strange for me. I didn't cry. At the funeral, I was smiling hearing all the wonderful things said about him. I definitely felt at peace that he was no longer suffering. I think my focus was mostly on my mom and making sure she was OK and I didn't much think about myself.

[Cathedral]

Re: Good grief?

Originally posted by Ellyllions
Forgive me for a moment while I feel a little sorry for myself.

But I'm wodering if there's such a thing as good grief. The kind of crying that you do when you're so touched by an idea that it feels like pain. No, I'm not on drugs or even an alcohol buzz. It's 8am here which is much too early for either.

What brings me to this is my Grandmother. Almost a year ago, I got a telephone call that my 94 year old Grandmother had been taken to the ER and would probably not come out. Miraculously she did make it out of the hospital and into nursing care until yesterday about noon.

It was determined a year ago that she had terminal colon cancer that would slowly take her life. At 94, it's sadly pointless to administer chemo because it puts such a tax on the heart. So during the months I made the trek to see her as often as possible. Every time I was blindingly suprised by the fact that not only was she completely aware of her condition even though she was being administered regular doses of morphine, but she couldn't stop talking about seeing and being with Grandfather again.

When he passed in 2000 they had been married 72 years. They were lovers from the tender age of 14, had 11 children together, and had seen the loss of 2 of those children throughout the course of their marriage. And there she was, lying in her nursing home bed worrying about him seeing her with her swollen tummy. She actually told me that she hoped that her "new body" wouldn't have that "bump". She giggled when she said it. I was touched. In times like these it's hard to know what real love is between people. You love your children, but your spouse.....well, after a few years it gets easier to ignore what you felt years before. Imagine feeling that way for over 70 years.

Grandmother left us yesterday and I did cry but I wondered why I was crying when she was so excited about leaving. Could it be possible that I was happy for her, or was it because a part of my own life was gone? Is that selfish? To cry over what you lost when someone dies...or is it our selfish nature to be sad that something was taken from you?

Is there such a thing as good grief?

I guess I'll find out when I'm at the funeral home tonight.


BTW, I have to thank LoungeMachine.
You taught me something the other night and I really appreciate it.

I believe there is such a thing as good grief.
To watch someone suffer on for years you feel a little comfort in knowing they will suffer no more.
But then there is the emptiness that is left for the living to contend with. it's a void that never heals but only gets numb with time.

Good or Bad, It's never easy.

My sincere and deepest condolences to you and your family, Elly.

[bueno bob]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Good grief?

Originally posted by frets5150
And that guy didn't leave by Ambulance ?

Originally posted by FORD
Ambulance my ass. I'd just tell the grave diggers to get another hole ready......

Considering it was my Mother's funeral, I wasn't precisely in the mood to kick ass, raise hell and get thrown in jail to honor her memory, you know? Now under NORMAL circumstances, well, sure...

[Cathedral]

I hope your doing alright Elly!
If ya need to vent or chat just shoot me a PM.

Take Care...

[Ellyllions]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

Honestly the funeral put some closure to it for all 73 of us. That's right, Grandma and Grampa left behind 73 direct decendants. (And to think there are more like me running around, OY!)

In talking with her sons and daughters, the consensus seemed to be that we all felt somewhat left behind. When you're someone's child you tend to forget that they had a life before you, or even a love that might not include you. Grandma and Grampa were in love. Real love. And some of the kids had never thought about that love standing without their existance.

We're all doing good today. Grandma is with the man she loved and in a much better place than we're in. We'll miss her but if we love her we'll understand that this isn't about us and the reality that when our time comes, we'll have to face it alone just like she did.