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By MICHAEL ROVIN
BEELINE, Ariz. -- Since the pioneering work of 19th century naturalist Charles Darwin, most scientists have agreed that humans evolved from a lower order of primate.
Most, but not all. For Dr. Seth Delambre the idea that people evolved from apes is both ignorant and distasteful.
"We sprung from those clumsy, shaggy beasts? I think not," he declared.
Dr. Delambre is an entomologist -- a scientist who studies insects -- and he has his own theory regarding human origins. Recently, those ideas earned him a universal lambasting at the International Symposium of Evolutionary Scientists.
"We evolved from the insect," Delambre assured Weekly World News after the noisy symposium. He was still seething over the hostile reception. "I find that a much more satisfying and logical theory. Insects are graceful, sophisticated creatures.
It may be difficult to imagine that life forms our size originated from life forms we can now squash under our shoes, but remember: All life on Earth originated as single-celled organisms spawned in our oceans.
"In fact, 95 percent of all animal species on earth are insects," he went on. "The idea that humans evolved from the other 5 percent of species is so small . . . well, let's just say I wouldn't want those odds in Vegas."
Still, isn't it easier to see the physical similarity between apes and humans?
"You must judge evolution by traits, not by outward appearances," Delambre insisted. "That's where the kinship lies. Otherwise, why not say we evolved from octopi? They have two eyes, a bunch of limbs, big heads and hairless bodies. Or what about birds? They have a pair of eyes, two legs, two upper limbs and build homes. No, I'm convinced we came from insects.
"Like humans, insects are the most adaptable creatures on earth. They can survive and even prosper in all types of environments, from the hottest desert to the most frigid arctic regions.
"We also share a symbiotic relationship with insects that we do not share with monkeys," the scientist went on.
"They pollinate our crops. Bugs make honey, silk and wax for us. In fact, one evolutionary holdover is that we also create wax. We just haven't found a market for it. What do we share with apes, apart from chest-thumping mating rituals? And that's an acquired habit after drinking too much. It's not evolution.
"There are many other similarities," he said. "Human wars and ant combat are identical in tactics -- and stupidity. Our sports and industry are modeled after insects. Just check out a factory floor or a basketball game. And when people look down from high buildings they don't say, 'Those people look like capuchins!' They say, 'Those people look like ants.'
"And do we not pray, like the praying mantis? Do we not love dogs, like the flea? Are we not sugar addicts like the fly? Can we not move like the butterfly, sting like a bee? There isn't a gorilla on earth that does any of that."
Dr. Delambre spoke long and passionately, just as he did at the symposium. But the disdain of the scientific community took their toll on him. A few days after our interview he was found in his house, dead from a selfinflicted shotgun wound. His suicide note stated, "The cockroach can live for nine days without its head. So shall I."
The poor doctor was buried last week.
Prick.
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