Hardrock69
11-29-2006, 10:14 PM
If you are a pussy with thin skin and are easily offended, read no further.
If you get offended and start whining like a 2-year-old with a diaper rash, that is your fucking problem.
http://www.attract-women.co.uk/images/fun_images/santa%20rip.jpg
Don't say I didn't warn you.
:rolleyes:
OK everybody!
:D
It is that time of year to begin the great debate over Christianity (that most PAGAN of holidays).
Jesus Was A Bastard
By Hardrock69, M.A., B.A., Phd., PCP, LSD, TSB, DLR, CVH.....etc.
Well???
What the fuck else was he?
Dictionary.com lists 9 definitions of the word "Bastard" and they ALL apply to him.
bas‧tard /ˈbæstərd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[bas-terd] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. a person born of unmarried parents; an illegitimate child.
Yes the above applies to Jesus. Mary & God were not married, and did not live together.
2. Slang.
a. a vicious, despicable, or thoroughly disliked person:
"Some bastard wants to create riots and unrest in Israel, and wants to overthrow the Romans."
He was hated by the Romans.
b. a person, esp. a man:
"The poor bastard had a nail driven through his leg."
Yes, it is ok to feel sorry for him. The poor bastard (that is what he was) fell into a lot of bullshit around the year 33 AD.
3. something irregular, inferior, spurious, or unusual.
He was not unusual until he began to piss people off. Then he became unusually unpopular amongst some people, like moneychangers, Pharisees, Romans, etc. (sounds kinda like JFK, eh? Maybe JFK was Jesus, and he came back and they crucified him with a Mannlicher-Carcano!).
They found him irregular, and those who did not care found him spurious at best. They felt he was "inferior"
4. bastard culverin
i.e. a 16th-century cannon, smaller than a culverin, firing a shot of between 5 and 8 lb. (11 and 17.6 kg).
Also called bastard.
Well, yes he was a loose cannon of a sort.
–adjective
5. illegitimate in birth.
Just as in #1 above. Being a virgin, and becoming pregnant while not married meant that nobody knew who the father of the child was. The only way to keep from getting stoned (by Jews wielding rocks) would be to claim that it was GAWD who fucked her. And in that fairly sophisticated urban environment, not many peeps were going to fall for that rubbish....that would be like a little boy showing up in Detroit claiming he got ass-raped by Michael Jackson.....he might attract Joe Thudner with that line, but no brother or sister will fall for that honkey bullshit.
And by the way.....if you were a young woman of marriageable age (the actual definition of the word "Virgin" in the ORIGINAL Aramaic), were a devout JEW, had never had sex, and De Lawd shows up suddenly in your tent one night with a cosmic hardon and wants to slam yer poon with the God Cock, are you going to turn him down???? Enquiring minds want to know!
But then Gods had been screwing mortal women for tens of centuries by the time Jesus came along, so what is so new about it? But then, see the Seventh Definition of Bastard (great title for a book, dontcha think? ;) ) below...
6. spurious; not genuine; false: The architecture was bastard Gothic.
Well, being a man, anyone who ever worshipped him was worshipping a false god, so yes, he was not just a bastard, but in the eyes of those who worship him he is a Bastard God, because he is not real. I mean, back then nobody worshipped him as a god anyway, but after 33 A.D. he ceased to exist, therefore the notion he is alive or has been after at the most about 60 or 70 AD is false. Spurious. Not genuine.
7. of abnormal or irregular shape or size; of unusual make or proportions: bastard quartz; bastard mahogany.
Yes, he definitely was of unusual make. As for having unusual size or proportions, only Mary Magdelene would know for sure... ;)
8. having the appearance of; resembling in some degree: a bastard Michelangelo; bastard emeralds.
He had the appearance of a peaceful, Jewish male, about age 33 who was common to the region of Israel in the first 32 years of the millenium.
But he was actually a revolutionary radical type guy.
9. Printing. (of a character) not of the font in which it is used or found.
Well, I dunno if Jesus was into printing or not. And printing in general is pretty irrelevant to his lineage, his career as a dimestore philospher, or his supposed death. So discount definition #9 entirely as it is irrelevant.
But then, perhaps that is the link.....to a vast majority of humans in the first few centuries, Jesus WAS irrelevant.
So never mind....he is the Ninth Definition Of Bastard after all. The Human Race made it to the year 33 AD without ever having some guy named Jesus to use as an excuse to kill innocent people, and enslave billions.
So he is actually quite irrelevant to the Human Race.
Ok, to recap:
He was of illegitmate parentage, lotsa people did not like him, we can feel sorry for the shit he had to deal with, he was unusual, and he was a loose cannon.
Related to the use of the word bastard as an adjective, he was an illegitimate child, a fake god for billions of people, he was abnormal, inferior, spurious, and unusual, he had the appearance of your everday Joseph, and he was irrelevant to 99.9999% of all humans on the planet.
So, as he fits the Nine Definitions of the word "bastard", that is what he was.
Some of you maybe noticed there is nothing sacred in my book about religion when it comes to comedy.
Religion is a man-made thing that is irrelevant to communicating with God.
It being Christmas, and with all Christians all over the world paying lip-service to an illegitmate baby, while sucking the cock of the God MAMMON, I figured it would behoove me forthwith hereafter and theretofore to create the first blasphemous post about Xmas, 2006.
MERRY BLASPHEMY EVERYBODY!!!
:D
http://www.goodmagazine.com/assets/blog/images/small/649.jpg
http://img2.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/41cdad1a04.jpg
The Baptism Of Christ With Dildos
http://www.dildoart.com/davinci/baptism.jpg
http://www.saturos.net/humor/jesus-6070.jpg
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/avatars/ZOMBIE_JESUS.JPG
If you get offended and start whining like a 2-year-old with a diaper rash, that is your fucking problem.
http://www.attract-women.co.uk/images/fun_images/santa%20rip.jpg
Don't say I didn't warn you.
:rolleyes:
OK everybody!
:D
It is that time of year to begin the great debate over Christianity (that most PAGAN of holidays).
Jesus Was A Bastard
By Hardrock69, M.A., B.A., Phd., PCP, LSD, TSB, DLR, CVH.....etc.
Well???
What the fuck else was he?
Dictionary.com lists 9 definitions of the word "Bastard" and they ALL apply to him.
bas‧tard /ˈbæstərd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[bas-terd] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. a person born of unmarried parents; an illegitimate child.
Yes the above applies to Jesus. Mary & God were not married, and did not live together.
2. Slang.
a. a vicious, despicable, or thoroughly disliked person:
"Some bastard wants to create riots and unrest in Israel, and wants to overthrow the Romans."
He was hated by the Romans.
b. a person, esp. a man:
"The poor bastard had a nail driven through his leg."
Yes, it is ok to feel sorry for him. The poor bastard (that is what he was) fell into a lot of bullshit around the year 33 AD.
3. something irregular, inferior, spurious, or unusual.
He was not unusual until he began to piss people off. Then he became unusually unpopular amongst some people, like moneychangers, Pharisees, Romans, etc. (sounds kinda like JFK, eh? Maybe JFK was Jesus, and he came back and they crucified him with a Mannlicher-Carcano!).
They found him irregular, and those who did not care found him spurious at best. They felt he was "inferior"
4. bastard culverin
i.e. a 16th-century cannon, smaller than a culverin, firing a shot of between 5 and 8 lb. (11 and 17.6 kg).
Also called bastard.
Well, yes he was a loose cannon of a sort.
–adjective
5. illegitimate in birth.
Just as in #1 above. Being a virgin, and becoming pregnant while not married meant that nobody knew who the father of the child was. The only way to keep from getting stoned (by Jews wielding rocks) would be to claim that it was GAWD who fucked her. And in that fairly sophisticated urban environment, not many peeps were going to fall for that rubbish....that would be like a little boy showing up in Detroit claiming he got ass-raped by Michael Jackson.....he might attract Joe Thudner with that line, but no brother or sister will fall for that honkey bullshit.
And by the way.....if you were a young woman of marriageable age (the actual definition of the word "Virgin" in the ORIGINAL Aramaic), were a devout JEW, had never had sex, and De Lawd shows up suddenly in your tent one night with a cosmic hardon and wants to slam yer poon with the God Cock, are you going to turn him down???? Enquiring minds want to know!
But then Gods had been screwing mortal women for tens of centuries by the time Jesus came along, so what is so new about it? But then, see the Seventh Definition of Bastard (great title for a book, dontcha think? ;) ) below...
6. spurious; not genuine; false: The architecture was bastard Gothic.
Well, being a man, anyone who ever worshipped him was worshipping a false god, so yes, he was not just a bastard, but in the eyes of those who worship him he is a Bastard God, because he is not real. I mean, back then nobody worshipped him as a god anyway, but after 33 A.D. he ceased to exist, therefore the notion he is alive or has been after at the most about 60 or 70 AD is false. Spurious. Not genuine.
7. of abnormal or irregular shape or size; of unusual make or proportions: bastard quartz; bastard mahogany.
Yes, he definitely was of unusual make. As for having unusual size or proportions, only Mary Magdelene would know for sure... ;)
8. having the appearance of; resembling in some degree: a bastard Michelangelo; bastard emeralds.
He had the appearance of a peaceful, Jewish male, about age 33 who was common to the region of Israel in the first 32 years of the millenium.
But he was actually a revolutionary radical type guy.
9. Printing. (of a character) not of the font in which it is used or found.
Well, I dunno if Jesus was into printing or not. And printing in general is pretty irrelevant to his lineage, his career as a dimestore philospher, or his supposed death. So discount definition #9 entirely as it is irrelevant.
But then, perhaps that is the link.....to a vast majority of humans in the first few centuries, Jesus WAS irrelevant.
So never mind....he is the Ninth Definition Of Bastard after all. The Human Race made it to the year 33 AD without ever having some guy named Jesus to use as an excuse to kill innocent people, and enslave billions.
So he is actually quite irrelevant to the Human Race.
Ok, to recap:
He was of illegitmate parentage, lotsa people did not like him, we can feel sorry for the shit he had to deal with, he was unusual, and he was a loose cannon.
Related to the use of the word bastard as an adjective, he was an illegitimate child, a fake god for billions of people, he was abnormal, inferior, spurious, and unusual, he had the appearance of your everday Joseph, and he was irrelevant to 99.9999% of all humans on the planet.
So, as he fits the Nine Definitions of the word "bastard", that is what he was.
Some of you maybe noticed there is nothing sacred in my book about religion when it comes to comedy.
Religion is a man-made thing that is irrelevant to communicating with God.
It being Christmas, and with all Christians all over the world paying lip-service to an illegitmate baby, while sucking the cock of the God MAMMON, I figured it would behoove me forthwith hereafter and theretofore to create the first blasphemous post about Xmas, 2006.
MERRY BLASPHEMY EVERYBODY!!!
:D
http://www.goodmagazine.com/assets/blog/images/small/649.jpg
http://img2.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/41cdad1a04.jpg
The Baptism Of Christ With Dildos
http://www.dildoart.com/davinci/baptism.jpg
http://www.saturos.net/humor/jesus-6070.jpg
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/avatars/ZOMBIE_JESUS.JPG