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Washington D. C. (AP) Karl Rove, President Bush's chief political advisor, died at the age of 55 Tuesday evening from what many are calling a freak accident.
While entering the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C. to speak at a fundraising event attended by business leaders, an Iraq War veteran landed on Rove from above, killing him instantly.
"This is a sad day for our nation and freedom-loving people all over the world," said John Meyer of Bechtel Corporation, who had planned on attending the event before it was cancelled due to the incident.
According to witnesses, the former soldier, whose name has not yet been released pending notification of his family, jumped from the roof of the 11-story hotel in an apparent suicide.
A source close to the soldier told the BBC that he was suffering from an extreme case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after returning from Iraq and had been unable to receive treatment.
Satan's approval rating skyrockets
Soon after Rove's death, a poll taken of 1,013 condemned souls in the Unholy Kingdom of Hell showed that 51% of Hell's residents approve of the way Satan is handling his job. This is the first time in Hell's history that Satan has enjoyed a majority approval rating from his subjects.
Since his arrival late Tuesday evening, Rove has been a fixture at Satan's side and has attended several meetings with his staff. In less than twenty-four hours, the Father of Lies has delivered more press conferences and aired more television ads than ever before in such a short amount of time.
"People are finally waking up to reality," said Adolf Hitler, former dictator of Nazi Germany and relative newcomer to Hell. "People in Hell don't want pansy Liberals like God coddling the poor and the weak. People around here are getting exactly what they deserve, and they appreciate that."
'People in Hell don't want pansy Liberals like God,' said Hitler
Bill Rector, a Hell resident of 112 years, agreed.
"All Satan wants is for people to have a little personal responsibility, that's all," said Rector as he was having his skin peeled off by Torture Demon Buzzeglethurn Painwave.
"I mean, sure, I lived a life of complete honesty and hard work until I masturbated one day when my wife was visiting her family in America. Now I'm getting what I deserve - for all eternity!"
Hitler, appearing to lack the scars of torture himself, has been overseeing Torture Ward 119 with his close friend Heinrich Himmler.
A new political message
Satan's public statements have taken a noticeably different tone since Rove's arrival. The new message of optimism and hope from Satan is a stark departure from his earlier proclamations of eternal death and suffering.
One of the many new television ads currently being aired features the Prince of Evil walking among condemned souls, shaking hands and kissing unbaptized babies.
Satan, Lord of Hell, in a recent television ad
"It's sad, but it works," said Lee Atwater, former Republican political strategist and 14-year resident of Hell.
"I did my best to repent on my deathbed, but it was too late for me. Karl Rove, on the other hand, is just picking up where he left off and seems to be enjoying every minute."
Atwater was unavailable for further comment, saying that he was on his way to an appointment in Torture Ward 988. Atwater's testicles had just grown back over the past twenty-four hours and was scheduled to have them eaten off by a rabid wolf, a daily event for the former political operative who was famous for his ruthless tactics.
Rove issued a brief public statement Wednesday afternoon from Perdition Heights, one of Hell's most upscale neighborhoods. Speaking near the lake of fire in front of his new home, an impressive mansion constructed with the bones of dead Iraqi women and children, Rove addressed the very large gathering of former mainstream media reporters.
"Any speculation that I am somehow responsible for Lord Satan's approval rating is ridiculous. The simple fact is that patriotic souls are coming to the realization that we need to stand behind our Dark Lord in these trying times and trust in his word."
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While entering the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C. to speak at a fundraising event attended by business leaders, an Iraq War veteran landed on Rove from above, killing him instantly.
"This is a sad day for our nation and freedom-loving people all over the world," said John Meyer of Bechtel Corporation, who had planned on attending the event before it was cancelled due to the incident.
According to witnesses, the former soldier, whose name has not yet been released pending notification of his family, jumped from the roof of the 11-story hotel in an apparent suicide.
A source close to the soldier told the BBC that he was suffering from an extreme case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after returning from Iraq and had been unable to receive treatment.
Satan's approval rating skyrockets
Soon after Rove's death, a poll taken of 1,013 condemned souls in the Unholy Kingdom of Hell showed that 51% of Hell's residents approve of the way Satan is handling his job. This is the first time in Hell's history that Satan has enjoyed a majority approval rating from his subjects.
Since his arrival late Tuesday evening, Rove has been a fixture at Satan's side and has attended several meetings with his staff. In less than twenty-four hours, the Father of Lies has delivered more press conferences and aired more television ads than ever before in such a short amount of time.
"People are finally waking up to reality," said Adolf Hitler, former dictator of Nazi Germany and relative newcomer to Hell. "People in Hell don't want pansy Liberals like God coddling the poor and the weak. People around here are getting exactly what they deserve, and they appreciate that."
'People in Hell don't want pansy Liberals like God,' said Hitler
Bill Rector, a Hell resident of 112 years, agreed.
"All Satan wants is for people to have a little personal responsibility, that's all," said Rector as he was having his skin peeled off by Torture Demon Buzzeglethurn Painwave.
"I mean, sure, I lived a life of complete honesty and hard work until I masturbated one day when my wife was visiting her family in America. Now I'm getting what I deserve - for all eternity!"
Hitler, appearing to lack the scars of torture himself, has been overseeing Torture Ward 119 with his close friend Heinrich Himmler.
A new political message
Satan's public statements have taken a noticeably different tone since Rove's arrival. The new message of optimism and hope from Satan is a stark departure from his earlier proclamations of eternal death and suffering.
One of the many new television ads currently being aired features the Prince of Evil walking among condemned souls, shaking hands and kissing unbaptized babies.
Satan, Lord of Hell, in a recent television ad
"It's sad, but it works," said Lee Atwater, former Republican political strategist and 14-year resident of Hell.
"I did my best to repent on my deathbed, but it was too late for me. Karl Rove, on the other hand, is just picking up where he left off and seems to be enjoying every minute."
Atwater was unavailable for further comment, saying that he was on his way to an appointment in Torture Ward 988. Atwater's testicles had just grown back over the past twenty-four hours and was scheduled to have them eaten off by a rabid wolf, a daily event for the former political operative who was famous for his ruthless tactics.
Rove issued a brief public statement Wednesday afternoon from Perdition Heights, one of Hell's most upscale neighborhoods. Speaking near the lake of fire in front of his new home, an impressive mansion constructed with the bones of dead Iraqi women and children, Rove addressed the very large gathering of former mainstream media reporters.
"Any speculation that I am somehow responsible for Lord Satan's approval rating is ridiculous. The simple fact is that patriotic souls are coming to the realization that we need to stand behind our Dark Lord in these trying times and trust in his word."
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