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Lord God Relieved at Poll Results
Lord God Relieved at Poll Results
By Tamara Jaffe-Notier
July 11, 2007
In a recent interview with Time Magazine, the Lord confessed that He found the results of the latest Barna poll regarding His existence very reassuring. Statistics indicate that as much as 90 % of the U.S. population does believe, openly or secretly, in a supreme deity.
The Lord was especially relieved at the high percentage of research scientists who professed their belief in His existence.
"What with evolution, global climate change, famines, the wars in Sudan, Iraq, Palestine and everywhere else, evidence of widespread child abuse around the globe, Osama bin Laden and George Bush still on the loose, some days I wake up doubtful of my own existence," the Lord said.
"It's really great that a guy like Francis Collins, director of the Human Genome Project, is on my side. I like that little phrase he stole, 'the language of God,' to describe My work on DNA. That stuff took Me eons to come up with; he's a man who can appreciate that. I don't understand why more Christians won't lighten up and listen to him a bit. He's a pretty smart guy."
The one feature of the poll results that puzzled the Lord was the lack of a statistically significant connection between faith in a deity and moral behavior.
"You know, you'd think that people who believe in Me might care a little more about right and wrong than people who don't believe in Me, but that doesn't seem to be the case," the Lord admitted. "I keep inspiring people to walk by faith, and so many of them do, but it's the loudmouths who grab the attention who don't give a damn about harming their brothers and sisters. They keep picking at each other about whether I care more about private or public moral behavior and they refuse to remember that the whole kit and caboodle is public to Me. Public, public, public, got that? Write it down. I am here. All the time. I got no place else to go. I'm God, and most of the folks in the U.S. say they believe in Me. Oy vey—go figure."
At the close of the interview, the Lord confessed that He'd seen a sneak preview of Evan Almighty and—as He'd known He would be—was disappointed.
"It's a shame, too, because I like Steve Carell," the Lord said. "And Morgan Freeman just nails it. But the movie's a mess."
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By Tamara Jaffe-Notier
July 11, 2007
In a recent interview with Time Magazine, the Lord confessed that He found the results of the latest Barna poll regarding His existence very reassuring. Statistics indicate that as much as 90 % of the U.S. population does believe, openly or secretly, in a supreme deity.
The Lord was especially relieved at the high percentage of research scientists who professed their belief in His existence.
"What with evolution, global climate change, famines, the wars in Sudan, Iraq, Palestine and everywhere else, evidence of widespread child abuse around the globe, Osama bin Laden and George Bush still on the loose, some days I wake up doubtful of my own existence," the Lord said.
"It's really great that a guy like Francis Collins, director of the Human Genome Project, is on my side. I like that little phrase he stole, 'the language of God,' to describe My work on DNA. That stuff took Me eons to come up with; he's a man who can appreciate that. I don't understand why more Christians won't lighten up and listen to him a bit. He's a pretty smart guy."
The one feature of the poll results that puzzled the Lord was the lack of a statistically significant connection between faith in a deity and moral behavior.
"You know, you'd think that people who believe in Me might care a little more about right and wrong than people who don't believe in Me, but that doesn't seem to be the case," the Lord admitted. "I keep inspiring people to walk by faith, and so many of them do, but it's the loudmouths who grab the attention who don't give a damn about harming their brothers and sisters. They keep picking at each other about whether I care more about private or public moral behavior and they refuse to remember that the whole kit and caboodle is public to Me. Public, public, public, got that? Write it down. I am here. All the time. I got no place else to go. I'm God, and most of the folks in the U.S. say they believe in Me. Oy vey—go figure."
At the close of the interview, the Lord confessed that He'd seen a sneak preview of Evan Almighty and—as He'd known He would be—was disappointed.
"It's a shame, too, because I like Steve Carell," the Lord said. "And Morgan Freeman just nails it. But the movie's a mess."
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