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The 10 Most Disappointing Children of Rock Stars
It's a miracle their far more talented parents haven't disowned them entirely.
The 10 Most Disappointing Children of Rock Stars | Maxim.com | Maxim.com
Its tough growing up in the shadow of a famous parent … and even tougher when you suck beyond belief. Here are the worst offenders:
10. Wolfgang Van Halen
Maybe it’s unfair to pick on a tubby 18-year-old, but Wolfie here should’ve known when he was in over his head. Joining the heavily hyped Van Halen reunion tour two years ago, Eddie’s son was brought into the fold to fill in for original bassist Michael Anthony … even though he’d only been playing bass for three months when he got the gig. The result? Performances that got either a resounding “meh” or jeers from crowds that missed Anthony’s trademark background vocals and stage antics. Go to college, kid!
9. The Nelson twins
With long, flowing locks and cheese-tastic pop songs, Gunnar and Matthew actually went all the way to No. 1 with 1990’s “Love and Affection,” a song you most likely remember blaring from your older sister’s Walkman throughout the worst family vacation ever. The twins' dad, Rick Nelson, died in a plane crash five years before they hit the charts, likely after having a vision of their lameness while freebasing cocaine. Gunnar went on to join the cast of VH1’s “Celebrity Fit Club,” even though he wasn’t fat; losing a few pounds didn’t make him any less irritating.
8. Peaches Geldof
You can’t throw out a bag of garbage these days without hitting some rock star’s fucking pampered socialite offspring. (Which is a great feeling. Try it!) One of the absolute worst is Peaches, daughter of Boomtown Rats frontman Bob Geldof. Let’s say your dad’s been knighted and is highly regarded as a great humanitarian. As a teenager, should you keep a low profile and perhaps try to engage in some positive, constructive activity? Or, given your access to health, develop a hunger for fame and lead a self-destructive lifestyle that makes Pete Doherty blush (seriously)? Your pop may not like Mondays, but we sure as shit don’t like you.
7. Jakob and Jesse Dylan
I can’t imagine the pressure that comes with being one of Bob Dylan’s kids, but I can laugh at the inherent paths of lameness these kids have followed. Singer-songwriter Jakob has cranked out several albums worth of Hootie/Counting Crows-sounding dreck with the Wallflowers, while photographer Jesse went from making visually stunning music videos to unwatchable crap films like the Method Man/Redman pot vehicle “How High” and the subpar soccer comedy “Kicking & Screaming.” Points awarded for directing the “Yes We Can” video … points deducted for hanging out with will.i.am.
6. Elijah Blue Allman
Hmmm, what’s the best way to rebel against your Southern-rockin’ hippie father? How about wearing eyeliner and forming a plodding goth-rock band called Deadsy? Mission accomplished. The only child produced by the union of Gregg Allman and Cher, Elijah Blue was surely scarred by years of his dad’s substance abuse, his mom’s fishnets and Richie Sambora hanging around the house. But then again, maybe he was doomed for mediocrity from birth …
5. Frank Sinatra Jr.
It’s easy to pick on Junior here, what with the purportedly fake 1963 kidnapping (which cost his old man $240,000 in ransom before the perpetrators were caught), his dismal singing career, or his “acting” in movies like “Wacky Taxi” and “Codename: Zebra.” But anyone who can poke fun at themselves on “Family Guy” and was favorably name-checked in Bob Dylan’s Chronicles Vol. 1 autobiography can’t be all bad, right? Wait, have you seen “Codename: Zebra”? I have, and it ain’t pretty.
4. Sean Lennon
Anything having to do with Yoko Ono’s vagina is seen as having ruined the Beatles, so Sean, since you emerged from that thing, you’re shit outta luck, pal. You’re not helping matters by making boring indie-rock records, being kinda weird in general and continuing to hang out with your mom all the time. We want to like you as much as Julian, we really do. You’re almost 34, dude … ditch the old lady and start rockin’!
3. Kelly Osbourne
It was bad enough when Ozzy’s middle child Kelly cashed in on her father’s feebleness, becoming an omnipresent reality star in the process. But when she tried to get her music career off the ground, America wised up and said, “We will not be tricked into buying this shitty album in droves.” (That lasted for about 30 seconds until the next J.Lo joint dropped.) U.K. audiences love Kelley’s music for some reason, further proof that the Revolutionary War was the greatest thing to ever happen on the planet. Luckily, for anyone who likes to see fat girls fall over, Kelly will be a contestant on the upcoming season of “Dancing With the Stars.”
2. Sean Stewart
Kudos to Sean for doing the seemingly impossible - finding a way to suck more than Rod Stewart. Though he claims to be a songwriter, Rod the Mod’s douchebag son has done little more than write the theme for his failed 2007 reality series “Sons of Hollywood” and land in jail after hurling a brick at a couple outside of a party. Somehow finagling his way onto Dr. Drew’s “Celebrity Rehab” series, Stewart celebrated his new clean and sober lifestyle earlier this year with an appearance on “Judge Jeannine Pirro,” where he whined about the lack of affection from his parents and his unpaid personal training bills.
1. Lisa Marie Presley
Nobody expected her to change the world like the King, but after “WTF?” marriages to Michael Jackson and Nicolas Cage, the last thing anyone expected was for Elvis’ daughter to suddenly declare herself an artist and try her hand at a music career at age 35. And after two albums of overproduced rootsy pop-rock (both of which actually debuted in the Top 10 before quickly making their way to used CD stores across the country), most of us wish she hadn’t. Stick to running the Elvis estate and finishing that tell-all about Nic Cage’s hair, if you please.
It's a miracle their far more talented parents haven't disowned them entirely.
The 10 Most Disappointing Children of Rock Stars | Maxim.com | Maxim.com
Its tough growing up in the shadow of a famous parent … and even tougher when you suck beyond belief. Here are the worst offenders:
10. Wolfgang Van Halen
Maybe it’s unfair to pick on a tubby 18-year-old, but Wolfie here should’ve known when he was in over his head. Joining the heavily hyped Van Halen reunion tour two years ago, Eddie’s son was brought into the fold to fill in for original bassist Michael Anthony … even though he’d only been playing bass for three months when he got the gig. The result? Performances that got either a resounding “meh” or jeers from crowds that missed Anthony’s trademark background vocals and stage antics. Go to college, kid!
9. The Nelson twins
With long, flowing locks and cheese-tastic pop songs, Gunnar and Matthew actually went all the way to No. 1 with 1990’s “Love and Affection,” a song you most likely remember blaring from your older sister’s Walkman throughout the worst family vacation ever. The twins' dad, Rick Nelson, died in a plane crash five years before they hit the charts, likely after having a vision of their lameness while freebasing cocaine. Gunnar went on to join the cast of VH1’s “Celebrity Fit Club,” even though he wasn’t fat; losing a few pounds didn’t make him any less irritating.
8. Peaches Geldof
You can’t throw out a bag of garbage these days without hitting some rock star’s fucking pampered socialite offspring. (Which is a great feeling. Try it!) One of the absolute worst is Peaches, daughter of Boomtown Rats frontman Bob Geldof. Let’s say your dad’s been knighted and is highly regarded as a great humanitarian. As a teenager, should you keep a low profile and perhaps try to engage in some positive, constructive activity? Or, given your access to health, develop a hunger for fame and lead a self-destructive lifestyle that makes Pete Doherty blush (seriously)? Your pop may not like Mondays, but we sure as shit don’t like you.
7. Jakob and Jesse Dylan
I can’t imagine the pressure that comes with being one of Bob Dylan’s kids, but I can laugh at the inherent paths of lameness these kids have followed. Singer-songwriter Jakob has cranked out several albums worth of Hootie/Counting Crows-sounding dreck with the Wallflowers, while photographer Jesse went from making visually stunning music videos to unwatchable crap films like the Method Man/Redman pot vehicle “How High” and the subpar soccer comedy “Kicking & Screaming.” Points awarded for directing the “Yes We Can” video … points deducted for hanging out with will.i.am.
6. Elijah Blue Allman
Hmmm, what’s the best way to rebel against your Southern-rockin’ hippie father? How about wearing eyeliner and forming a plodding goth-rock band called Deadsy? Mission accomplished. The only child produced by the union of Gregg Allman and Cher, Elijah Blue was surely scarred by years of his dad’s substance abuse, his mom’s fishnets and Richie Sambora hanging around the house. But then again, maybe he was doomed for mediocrity from birth …
5. Frank Sinatra Jr.
It’s easy to pick on Junior here, what with the purportedly fake 1963 kidnapping (which cost his old man $240,000 in ransom before the perpetrators were caught), his dismal singing career, or his “acting” in movies like “Wacky Taxi” and “Codename: Zebra.” But anyone who can poke fun at themselves on “Family Guy” and was favorably name-checked in Bob Dylan’s Chronicles Vol. 1 autobiography can’t be all bad, right? Wait, have you seen “Codename: Zebra”? I have, and it ain’t pretty.
4. Sean Lennon
Anything having to do with Yoko Ono’s vagina is seen as having ruined the Beatles, so Sean, since you emerged from that thing, you’re shit outta luck, pal. You’re not helping matters by making boring indie-rock records, being kinda weird in general and continuing to hang out with your mom all the time. We want to like you as much as Julian, we really do. You’re almost 34, dude … ditch the old lady and start rockin’!
3. Kelly Osbourne
It was bad enough when Ozzy’s middle child Kelly cashed in on her father’s feebleness, becoming an omnipresent reality star in the process. But when she tried to get her music career off the ground, America wised up and said, “We will not be tricked into buying this shitty album in droves.” (That lasted for about 30 seconds until the next J.Lo joint dropped.) U.K. audiences love Kelley’s music for some reason, further proof that the Revolutionary War was the greatest thing to ever happen on the planet. Luckily, for anyone who likes to see fat girls fall over, Kelly will be a contestant on the upcoming season of “Dancing With the Stars.”
2. Sean Stewart
Kudos to Sean for doing the seemingly impossible - finding a way to suck more than Rod Stewart. Though he claims to be a songwriter, Rod the Mod’s douchebag son has done little more than write the theme for his failed 2007 reality series “Sons of Hollywood” and land in jail after hurling a brick at a couple outside of a party. Somehow finagling his way onto Dr. Drew’s “Celebrity Rehab” series, Stewart celebrated his new clean and sober lifestyle earlier this year with an appearance on “Judge Jeannine Pirro,” where he whined about the lack of affection from his parents and his unpaid personal training bills.
1. Lisa Marie Presley
Nobody expected her to change the world like the King, but after “WTF?” marriages to Michael Jackson and Nicolas Cage, the last thing anyone expected was for Elvis’ daughter to suddenly declare herself an artist and try her hand at a music career at age 35. And after two albums of overproduced rootsy pop-rock (both of which actually debuted in the Top 10 before quickly making their way to used CD stores across the country), most of us wish she hadn’t. Stick to running the Elvis estate and finishing that tell-all about Nic Cage’s hair, if you please.
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