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Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden
inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings).
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication
is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m.
can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's?
Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during
the day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I
eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale
chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese
curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too
far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
(face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
Oh, and
Cheers! :bottle:
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden
inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings).
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication
is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m.
can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's?
Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during
the day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I
eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale
chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese
curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too
far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
(face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
Oh, and
Cheers! :bottle:
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