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Some of my favs:
38. Chris Dodd
Charges: We expect senators to be corrupt hypocrites, but when you’re taking no-interest loans from banks you’re supposed to be regulating, and over a hundred grand in campaign cash from AIG while you just happen to exempt them from your bonus crackdown, it doesn’t help to pose as a crusading man of the people, fighting those big mean bankers. Chris Dodd, fuck you. Fuck you for fooling so many nice, if naïve, people into thinking you were on the level. Fuck you for saying “here” all the time like it’s a goddamn comma. But most of all, fuck you for being you, just another phony, entitled senator on the take.
Exhibit A: Dodd’s dad was a Senator too—and he was censured for pilfering $100,000 from his campaign funds in 1967.
Sentence: Accidentally swallows 5,392 dollars in change.
35. Teabaggers
Charges: America’s dumbest and most racist citizens finally found a cause they could all get behind that isn’t pro wrestling or NASCAR. The Lolcats of protest sign grammar, they think scare quotes actually make things scary (e.g. “Obama is a ‘communist’ “). They don’t understand that they’re duped showpieces for billionaires who threaten their freedom and prosperity far more than their beloved nemesis, Big Gubmint. And their instant escalation from complacent couch potatoes to rhetorical revolutionaries just happened to coincide with the election of a black Democrat with the middle name Hussein. What are the chances?
Exhibit A: They called it Teabagging first.
Sentence: To star in an extremely patriotic, live ammunition reenactment the Battle of Bunker Hill.
26. You
Charges: Based solely on Fox News and cartoon depictions of evil scientists, you think “Climategate” is a real controversy that somehow affects the truth of global warming. You think science is just another religion. You think Dan Brown writes nonfiction. You want the government to get its hands out of your Medicare. You think Dr. Oz can heal you with his palms. You believe in horoscopes. You bought a Snuggie. You’re suddenly outraged by government malfeasance because because a black guy got elected, or you refuse to be outraged by government malfeasance, because you don’t want to come across as racist. You think Avatar was either the worst or best film ever and you have film chops to describe why, yet you know fuck all about how the real world works, because you’re too busy satiating yourself with junk food, internet porn and “reality” HDTV to care. It took a fucking Underwear Bomber for you to learn about Yemen. You’re proud of your ignorance and proud of that too. In other words, you suck, you know it, and your every word is a sad and futile attempt to deny it.
Exhibit A: Glenn Beck.
Sentence: Glenn Beck.
All 50 here:
38. Chris Dodd
Charges: We expect senators to be corrupt hypocrites, but when you’re taking no-interest loans from banks you’re supposed to be regulating, and over a hundred grand in campaign cash from AIG while you just happen to exempt them from your bonus crackdown, it doesn’t help to pose as a crusading man of the people, fighting those big mean bankers. Chris Dodd, fuck you. Fuck you for fooling so many nice, if naïve, people into thinking you were on the level. Fuck you for saying “here” all the time like it’s a goddamn comma. But most of all, fuck you for being you, just another phony, entitled senator on the take.
Exhibit A: Dodd’s dad was a Senator too—and he was censured for pilfering $100,000 from his campaign funds in 1967.
Sentence: Accidentally swallows 5,392 dollars in change.
35. Teabaggers
Charges: America’s dumbest and most racist citizens finally found a cause they could all get behind that isn’t pro wrestling or NASCAR. The Lolcats of protest sign grammar, they think scare quotes actually make things scary (e.g. “Obama is a ‘communist’ “). They don’t understand that they’re duped showpieces for billionaires who threaten their freedom and prosperity far more than their beloved nemesis, Big Gubmint. And their instant escalation from complacent couch potatoes to rhetorical revolutionaries just happened to coincide with the election of a black Democrat with the middle name Hussein. What are the chances?
Exhibit A: They called it Teabagging first.
Sentence: To star in an extremely patriotic, live ammunition reenactment the Battle of Bunker Hill.
26. You
Charges: Based solely on Fox News and cartoon depictions of evil scientists, you think “Climategate” is a real controversy that somehow affects the truth of global warming. You think science is just another religion. You think Dan Brown writes nonfiction. You want the government to get its hands out of your Medicare. You think Dr. Oz can heal you with his palms. You believe in horoscopes. You bought a Snuggie. You’re suddenly outraged by government malfeasance because because a black guy got elected, or you refuse to be outraged by government malfeasance, because you don’t want to come across as racist. You think Avatar was either the worst or best film ever and you have film chops to describe why, yet you know fuck all about how the real world works, because you’re too busy satiating yourself with junk food, internet porn and “reality” HDTV to care. It took a fucking Underwear Bomber for you to learn about Yemen. You’re proud of your ignorance and proud of that too. In other words, you suck, you know it, and your every word is a sad and futile attempt to deny it.
Exhibit A: Glenn Beck.
Sentence: Glenn Beck.
All 50 here:
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