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1.) It's here. Again. Nothing so special about that except that not even corporate America can sell it to a unsuspecting horde of brain dead consumers; even the malls are dead. Sure, they'll crowd close today, tomorrow and on the "Eve" where shit bags like Wal-Mart will once again, not give a fuck about their employees and make them work it right though until 12:00PM Christmas day. If you shop there please kill yourself now. Which brings me to
2.) Wanting to kill yourself at Christmas time. My advice? Don't. Sure all that infested Dean Martin Christmas music where Dean in his holiday sweater programming us that this is the "most wonderful time of the year" and we buy into it like a Marlin fish at a ZZ Top concert. Okay, facts: it isn't, winter blows and Dean was a frustrated homosexual who drank himself to death under the auspicious of the Illuminati. Of course, I cannot prove this but it has been rumored on the internet so it MUST be true. Besides, no one in your family want to plan your funeral when they can't come up with an idea on how to get rid of the god damn tree. Wait until the next season of American Idol - you'll be glad you did.
3.) Midnight Mass guilt attendance. Um, you'd be better off killing yourself.
4.) Egg Nog/Rum drinks. Toxic, expensive and highly fattening. Over 300 calories in a shot alone! Apparently not one has killed off Spammy yet so drink up. Combine with your favorite neighbor-baked cookie, $5 vino or black tar heroin. But remember, moderation.
5.) Family. Ah, toughie, this one. Well, were you good and ass kissed the richest member of yours? Sure, they may not have bought you a plasma TV and a recovering meth-addicted hooker but what they did get you may beat a bland gift certificate card at Wal-Mart where all you are doing is making some poor fucker's life more miserable as you make them wait on you so you can get your retarded XBox 'Call Of Duty' on the "Eve" so you can avoid the crowds on the 26 when you return every god damn sweater you mother bought you in money so you can go out and buy your own recovering meth-addicted hooker. Asshole.
6.) Christmas music. If it's not Brain Setzer then you suck. See #2
7.) I fucking hate neo-Nazi Ebeneezers. Fuck you and all your negative shit. "I hate Christmas" Yeah!? Well, the world, Jesus and every Wal-Mart employee hates you. Fuck you and your hipster coats loaded with razor blades that you feed to kittens. Say "I hate Christmas" to my face and I'll shove that whatever generation iPod touch loaded with your crappy Dubstep right up your skinny jean hipster ass. Tell you what, either spend the rest 364 days working for your perfect ideal Utopia or shut the fuck up for good, Deal?
8.) Snow. Cloaked Christmas racism.
9.) Homeless people. May God bless them. And be thankful you have a family, home and warmth to enjoy unwrapping your whatever generation iPod so you can "download" your shitty Dubstep crap while others suffer (some by choice, most not) in a cold alley, you whining miserable Starbucks-sipping fuck. Life can change on your sad ass just as quick.
10.) Have a Merry one yourself. But you're still an asshole.
2.) Wanting to kill yourself at Christmas time. My advice? Don't. Sure all that infested Dean Martin Christmas music where Dean in his holiday sweater programming us that this is the "most wonderful time of the year" and we buy into it like a Marlin fish at a ZZ Top concert. Okay, facts: it isn't, winter blows and Dean was a frustrated homosexual who drank himself to death under the auspicious of the Illuminati. Of course, I cannot prove this but it has been rumored on the internet so it MUST be true. Besides, no one in your family want to plan your funeral when they can't come up with an idea on how to get rid of the god damn tree. Wait until the next season of American Idol - you'll be glad you did.
3.) Midnight Mass guilt attendance. Um, you'd be better off killing yourself.
4.) Egg Nog/Rum drinks. Toxic, expensive and highly fattening. Over 300 calories in a shot alone! Apparently not one has killed off Spammy yet so drink up. Combine with your favorite neighbor-baked cookie, $5 vino or black tar heroin. But remember, moderation.
5.) Family. Ah, toughie, this one. Well, were you good and ass kissed the richest member of yours? Sure, they may not have bought you a plasma TV and a recovering meth-addicted hooker but what they did get you may beat a bland gift certificate card at Wal-Mart where all you are doing is making some poor fucker's life more miserable as you make them wait on you so you can get your retarded XBox 'Call Of Duty' on the "Eve" so you can avoid the crowds on the 26 when you return every god damn sweater you mother bought you in money so you can go out and buy your own recovering meth-addicted hooker. Asshole.
6.) Christmas music. If it's not Brain Setzer then you suck. See #2
7.) I fucking hate neo-Nazi Ebeneezers. Fuck you and all your negative shit. "I hate Christmas" Yeah!? Well, the world, Jesus and every Wal-Mart employee hates you. Fuck you and your hipster coats loaded with razor blades that you feed to kittens. Say "I hate Christmas" to my face and I'll shove that whatever generation iPod touch loaded with your crappy Dubstep right up your skinny jean hipster ass. Tell you what, either spend the rest 364 days working for your perfect ideal Utopia or shut the fuck up for good, Deal?
8.) Snow. Cloaked Christmas racism.
9.) Homeless people. May God bless them. And be thankful you have a family, home and warmth to enjoy unwrapping your whatever generation iPod so you can "download" your shitty Dubstep crap while others suffer (some by choice, most not) in a cold alley, you whining miserable Starbucks-sipping fuck. Life can change on your sad ass just as quick.
10.) Have a Merry one yourself. But you're still an asshole.
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