The Christian's Guide To Detecting Demonic Music

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  • ELVIS
    Banned
    • Dec 2003
    • 44120

    The Christian's Guide To Detecting Demonic Music

    I found this while browsing a Christian message board...


    Satan and his minions in the entertainment industry are very sneaky, and each year they find new ways to pervert nature and steal the innocence of youth.

    You might be shocked by some of these facts about today's music:

    FACT: 1 in 3 popular songs on the radio promotes abortion in one way or another.

    FACT: There are almost as many songs playing on the radio about gay romance as there are straight romance.

    FACT: Before the invention of rock and roll by The Beetles, you almost never, ever heard of teen pregnancy, homosexuality, abortion, teen rebellion, or school shootings.

    Most young people today insist that the music they listen to is harmless, and that they don't use music as a basis for making important life decisions.

    But what most people don't know is that rock and roll, rap, the techno, and disco all contain subliminal messages and Satanic rhythms designed to summon demons and cause possession, confusion, rebellion, and eventually, death.

    Christians must be very careful in choosing what they allow themselves and their children to listen to, and fortunately, the church is always willing to help.


    DETECTING SATANIC RHYTHMS:

    Rhythm is one of the most basic elements of any song, and also the most dangerous. Certain rhythms can lead to toe-tapping, dancing, fornication, drug use, murder, and self-mutilation.

    A good rule of thumb for determining the danger of a rhythm is to first measure the tempo at which it is playing. This is why Christians should always carry a portable metronome in their pocket.


    Portable Metronomes Help Detect Satanic Beats.

    Tempos are measured in beats per minute (BPM) and any song that clocks in at a speed of over 90 BPM should be turned off. 85 to 90 beats per minute is considered the upper limits of the margin of musical safety, and should never be exceeded.
    If you find yourself listening to a song with a tempo of 666 BPM, destroy whatever instruments or devices are producing the music, and pray fervently for forgiveness and protection.

    The actual rhythm of the song can be much harder to identify for Christians, since they are not used to listening to music with drums.

    Drums are the most dangerous of all musical instruments, even more than the electric guitar! Drums have their roots in the dark continent of Africa where the voodoo hoodoo is just rampant. It is currently unknown to Christian scientists if it is ever safe to listen to drums or not.

    Some particularly dangerous beats to look out for:

    Boom boom BOP, boom boom BOP! (Also known as the Negro shuffle)

    BOOM tata BOOM tata BOOM tata!

    RATA tada boom boom TA! RATA tada boom boom TA!

    Rhythms vary depending on the time signature of the song, that is, how many beats there are in a measure and which note receives a full beat.

    The most righteous time signature is 3/4 time, which is in praise of the Holy Trinity.

    There is no such thing as 3/3 time because Satanic music theorists want to prevent full glorification of the Holy Trinity.


    DETECTING SATANIC LYRICS:

    The purpose of music is, of course, the praise and worship of GOD. Some people might argue that music would be boring if it were all written in glorification of GOD, but those people are going to Hell.



    Satanist musicians on the Highway to Hell.

    As a Christian, you have little to no business listening to anything that doesn't praise GOD. But be careful! Even most modern "Christian" music is secretly a trap to corrupt you with false doctrine and Satanic rhythms!

    Lyrics which contain the following words are to be strictly avoided:

    "Nigga"

    "Dawg"

    "Cracka"

    "Bounce"

    "Watermelon"

    "Brotha"

    "Ass" (Unless in reference to donkey JESUS rode on.)

    "F-word"

    "Yo"

    "Grill"

    "Jiggle"

    "Dance floor"

    "Baby" (Unless immediately followed by "JESUS.")

    "Kiss"

    "Triple penetration"

    "Fondle"

    "Disco stick"

    Use your good Christian judgment when listening to lyrics. No Christian has ever been too paranoid, because there is no such thing as too paranoid.


    DETECTING NOTES AND CHORDS:

    Melody (the tune of the song) consists of a series of notes played on an instrument. It is usually accompanied by chords, which determine the "tone" of the music, which is either happy (major chords) or sad (minor chords.)

    Satan wants us to be sad, and JESUS wants us to be happy, so any song containing a minor chord is evil.

    Christians should avoid any music that is played in any key except for C Major, which is the only key in which music can be played on the piano without using any of the black keys.



    Only 3 Of These Are Safe For Christians!


    Playing the white and black keys together on the piano is glorification of race mixing and desegregation. GOD HATES ACCIDENTALS!


    CONCLUSION:

    The only music that is safe for Christian enjoyment is music without drums played in the key of C without accidentals and utilizing only major chords, with a tempo no greater than 90 BPM and preferably in the meter of 3/4.

    Happy listening, True Christians!


  • vandeleur
    ROTH ARMY SUPREME
    • Sep 2009
    • 9870

    #2
    The Beatles invented rock n roll ?
    Kiss , fondle , triple penetration that escalated .

    That whole thing is class
    fuck your fucking framing

    Comment

    • Satan
      ROTH ARMY ELITE
      • Jan 2004
      • 6666

      #3
      Satan wants us to be sad, and JESUS wants us to be happy, so any song containing a minor chord is evil.
      What a streaming load of dragonshit! I've brought happiness to you mortals from day one!

      Now ask yourself the following question..... what makes YOU happier? Is it this?

      Eternally Under the Authority of Satan

      Originally posted by Sockfucker
      I've been in several mental institutions but not in Bakersfield.

      Comment

      • Satan
        ROTH ARMY ELITE
        • Jan 2004
        • 6666

        #4
        ......or this?

        Eternally Under the Authority of Satan

        Originally posted by Sockfucker
        I've been in several mental institutions but not in Bakersfield.

        Comment

        • ELVIS
          Banned
          • Dec 2003
          • 44120

          #5
          Originally posted by vandeleur
          The Beatles invented rock n roll ?
          No, the Beetles...

          Comment

          • vandeleur
            ROTH ARMY SUPREME
            • Sep 2009
            • 9870

            #6
            They missed devils dumplings

            fuck your fucking framing

            Comment

            • DONNIEP
              DIAMOND STATUS
              • Mar 2004
              • 13390

              #7
              Well, I have to agree that drums are Devilly. Everybody knows that.
              American by birth. Southern by the grace of God.

              Comment

              • Angel
                ROTH ARMY SUPREME
                • Jan 2004
                • 7482

                #8
                My Dad was a drummer...does that mean I'm the Devil's spawn?

                I've been listening to rock and roll all my life. Fuck...I'm gonna die...
                "Ya know what they say about angels... An angel is a supernatural being or spirit, usually humanoid in form, found in various religions and mythologies. Plus Roth fan boards..."- ZahZoo April 2013

                Comment

                • vandeleur
                  ROTH ARMY SUPREME
                  • Sep 2009
                  • 9870

                  #9
                  Originally posted by Angel
                  Fuck...I'm gonna die...
                  Yip , nothing surer . But hopefully not for ages .Now go have some fun
                  fuck your fucking framing

                  Comment

                  • Hardrock69
                    DIAMOND STATUS
                    • Feb 2005
                    • 21833

                    #10
                    Funny....Elbow conveniently forgets to mention he got that crap from the Landover Baptist Church website.......



                    It is a FICTITIOUS site making fun of Christianity.....



                    The Landover Baptist Church is a fictional[1] Baptist church based in the fictional town of Freehold, Iowa. The Landover Baptist web site and its associated Landoverbaptist.net Forum are a satire of fundamentalist Christianity and the Religious Right in the United States.

                    But I guess the racist angle made him happy, since the thought of mixing of the races horrifies him.

                    Comment

                    • Nitro Express
                      DIAMOND STATUS
                      • Aug 2004
                      • 32798

                      #11
                      Originally posted by Satan
                      What a streaming load of dragonshit! I've brought happiness to you mortals from day one!

                      Now ask yourself the following question..... what makes YOU happier? Is it this?



                      Naw. The Johnny Lingo theme makes me happy. The vintage reverb is to die for.
                      No! You can't have the keys to the wine cellar!

                      Comment

                      • ashstralia
                        ROTH ARMY ELITE
                        • Feb 2004
                        • 6556

                        #12
                        One of the best satire sites...

                        Scarfolk.

                        http://scarfolk.blogspot.com.

                        Fucking classic

                        Comment

                        • ashstralia
                          ROTH ARMY ELITE
                          • Feb 2004
                          • 6556

                          #13
                          And check out Bullshire Police Department on FB. That shit is hilarious.

                          Comment

                          • ELVIS
                            Banned
                            • Dec 2003
                            • 44120

                            #14
                            Originally posted by Hardrock69
                            It is a FICTITIOUS site making fun of Christianity.....
                            Gee, really !?!?

                            I guess the "Negro shuffle" wasn't enough to clue you in...


                            Go back to jail...

                            Douchebag...
                            Last edited by ELVIS; 06-02-2014, 02:14 PM.

                            Comment

                            • DONNIEP
                              DIAMOND STATUS
                              • Mar 2004
                              • 13390

                              #15
                              Originally posted by ELVIS
                              I guess the "Negro shuffle" wasn't enough to clue you in...
                              The Negro Shuffle isn't a real thing?
                              American by birth. Southern by the grace of God.

                              Comment

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