Unsolved Mysteries: Eddie Van Halen

[SweetSecrets]

One cannot deny the fact that the classic Eddie Van Halen and the reborn cheesified Eddie are as different as night and day. There has to be a reason for such a dramatic change in a person! I mean, we know that at SOME point after 1984 Ed was cursed with ! So really, logically or illogically speaking, how does someone so fucking cool turn into this? There has to be an explanation. You people got any ideas? Here's mine...

The Mary Frances Theory (Think Stephen King's book, "Pet Cemetary"):

When the aliens abducted Sammy, they told him how to make a name for himself since his own music obviously couldn't. Knowing Eddie as the Rock God he was (the crucial element; however, with rippers like Mean Street, no good to his Cabo Wabo/flannel shirt-wearing-bannna-pant-dreams); Sammy knows he must have him, yet realizes the authentic Eddie would never agree to such crap. Therefore, Sammy kills Eddie and then has him buried in a cemetary under the remains of an old cheese factory. With the scraps of money left over from his one hit single, "55"...he pays off some crazy Indian dude to curse the cheese-soil. That's when it all happened!... Eddie and his Peavey Wolfgang sprung out of the cheese-haunted soil, reborn into the (evil) Eddie of today....the Ed who doesn't remember anything before 1985 and thinks Sammy is the best thing to ever happen to his music.
Sam!

[lms2]

or maybe he grew up

[ELVIS]

..or maybe Edward Van Heineken's brain is pickeled...

[lms2]

or maybe he just wanted the best of both worlds. With Dave, they have two songs in the hall of fame, wild parties, hot chicks, adventure...with Spam, they finally hit # 1, and settled down into happy (?) marriages.

Now, for that second childhood. Cmon, Eddie, give Dave a call.

[SweetSecrets]

What if the young Eddie (the good version) was able to come back and have a guitar dual with today's Eddie (the evil Ed)?...Like in the movie "Crossroads"...good vs. evil... fight to win! Instead of the karate kid against Steve Vai, however, .....the old classic Ed vs. shity old Ed?

What would the young Ed think?

[ELVIS]

He would quit drinking right then...

[SweetSecrets]

I ponder....

Come on guys...humor me...

[SweetSecrets]

Originally posted by ELVIS
He would quit drinking right then...

The old Ed or the New Ed would?

[tjvhou812]

Originally posted by SweetSecrets
One cannot deny the fact that the classic Eddie Van Halen and the reborn cheesified Eddie are as different as night and day. There has to be a reason for such a dramatic change in a person! I mean, we know that at SOME point after 1984 Ed was cursed with ! So really, logically or illogically speaking, how does someone so fucking cool turn into this? There has to be an explanation. You people got any ideas? Here's mine...

The Mary Frances Theory (Think Stephen King's book, "Pet Cemetary"):

When the aliens abducted Sammy, they told him how to make a name for himself since his own music obviously couldn't. Knowing Eddie as the Rock God he was (the crucial element; however, with rippers like Mean Street, no good to his Cabo Wabo/flannel shirt-wearing-bannna-pant-dreams); Sammy knows he must have him, yet realizes the authentic Eddie would never agree to such crap. Therefore, Sammy kills Eddie and then has him buried in a cemetary under the remains of an old cheese factory. With the scraps of money left over from his one hit single, "55"...he pays off some crazy Indian dude to curse the cheese-soil. That's when it all happened!... Eddie and his Peavey Wolfgang sprung out of the cheese-haunted soil, reborn into the (evil) Eddie of today....the Ed who doesn't remember anything before 1985 and thinks Sammy is the best thing to ever happen to his music.
Sam!

lay off the drugs lol...

[rustoffa]

Maybe reflexology could have helped?:confused:

I read some shit about how the ancient egyptians believed that the nerve endings in the feet and hands had alot to do with one's physical and mental well being.

Now, I know it's a stretch, but the philosophastin' couch is big and the pillows just got fluffed.

If the ancient mud turtles were really onto something, perhaps the fingerboarding is to blame....I mean, the years and years of constant fingertip abuse could've maybe effected Ed's psyche!


As the years passed, maybe every subtle fingerfucking of the fretboard ordered another perverbial drink! You know, synapses goin' all crazy like, "if you don't give us a break, we'll cause you some physiological damnage"!

Val probably knew it the whole time and was just like, "geezus Ed, put some fucking bactine on your fingers".

[lms2]

The pressure points are not just in the finger tips, but spread out across the palms and soles. Further, they respond to direct pressure and not casual stimulation.

If young Ed met old Ed, he would still be Ed either way. They would jam for a while, exchange a few tricks, tell each other how great they are, and go and talk about love over a case or so.

[rustoffa]

Originally posted by lms2
The pressure points are not just in the finger tips, but spread out across the palms and soles. Further, they respond to direct pressure and not casual stimulation.

Exactamundo!

I didn't mean to suggest he was reflexologizin' himself, but pointing out that maybe his fiingy-wingy's needed some healing stimulation!

[ashstralia]

he he!
you're a funny girl mary.
i like the rustoffa theorem,
but sadly, it's a simple case
of no roth= no van halen.

[scottydabodi]

What REALLY happened to Ed? Well, it's all pretty fuckin' simple... Ed is such a fuckin WACK JOB that he drinks like a fish, causing his judgment to be TOTALLY impaired, which leads to him being able to be swayed one way or the other by people(in the band, on the street, on the floor of the bathroom). He's such a fucked up goofball, that anyone can tell him what to do, and he'll try it... Dave told him to be the best, so he was, Sam said play WHATEVER he wants, so he did(hence "When it's Love", and "I Can't Stop Lovin' You"--what a dickhead), Ray Danniels told him that a "Got Milk?" commercial was a great idea, so he fuckin' did it... I think y'all get the picture.

[lms2]

If we could just find the right pressure points, then all we have to do is wait for him to get drunk and pass out. Shouldn't be a long wait. Well, sounds like a good plan to me!