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  • The Diamond David Lee Roth Army

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  • DLR Quotes/Rothisms

    by Published on 01-11-2012 07:15 PM     Number of Views: 10811 

    I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

    David Lee Roth Army
    -Definition Of Rothism-
    "The world according to Diamond Dave delivered in an over-the-top, sensational, technicolor display of words and world wisdom that transcends just mere understanding but is a way of life."
    David Lee Roth ArmyDiamond Dave has a way with words like no other entertainer. If you have ever heard him being interviewed .. you are usually doing two things
    1. Either laughing your ass off hysterically at something that Dave said
    2. Scratching your head thinking "What the fuck did he just say?"
    This page is meant to be the world's foremost archive of Diamond David Lee Roth Rothisms. If you have a quote to add from an old magazine article or interview, please email Sarge and I will add it. Ok here we go...
    "You've got to constantly reinvest your enthusiasm for livin' large, marge, so large you need a barge!"

    Young musicians are always coming up to me and asking how do you know when you've made it. When you can spell subpoena without thinking about it, that's when you know you've made it.

    I think that all the great adventures can be written on the back of a beer soaked napkin

    David Lee Roth Army

    The violence and everything and Eddie Van Halen constantly calling me out, screaming into a camera lens from three thousand, two hundred and twenty six miles away, 'I'm gonna kick you in your nuts! You better wear a cup. You better watch your balls.' This causes me to ask, because we're talking to a very articulate magazine here, with an articulate audience readership, and an entirely articulate interviewer here. What kind of balls is he imagining? What kind of testicles are haunting Eddie Van Halen's sleep? Are these giant turbo-prop monster truck nards that smash Chevies and Buicks and are now rolling over his front gate right now up there at 5150 and crushing his designer sports car and the family pet as it squeals a short, brief, glorious warning? Or are these highly trained, super-mobile, small, but highly maneuverable Belgian assault nards that even now are swarming under the gates and are about to sail into the nerve center of the gangland stronghold! The mind fairly reels, sire.

    There are a lot of people who make a living off of my name. The only interesting thing about Van Halen, after the music stops, is me. It's not that I do so much, it's that they do so goddamn little! - DLR 1997

    I think people want the balance more than ever. You know, plant an Ethiopian, feed the rain forest, save the ozone layer--you gotta have that! "Oh woe is me," as a form of self-dramatization, is always fun. It shouldn't be replaced, but there should be a balance. Sooner or later, it's Miller time! Sooner or later, there is some hallelujah, watusi-tailgate, light-up-the-goddamn-sky-it's-finally-the-weekend, okay? And I don't care whether you wear a cowboy hat or your hair is purple, I don't care if you have a wedding ring or a clit ring, sooner or later, there's Miller time! That doesn't mean simple belly laughs, and it doesn't mean high-brow. It just means, "Wanna go have a drink?"

    "For years Iíve tried to be a gentleman about this and itís very frustrating," he said. "That's part of the reason I left. I think itís obvious now that what Sam has brought to the band is onlyÖ.. mediocre at best. "Iíve never met Sam, but I almost feel sorry for the guy. If the old team got back together to do a Farm Aid or AIDS benefit, that 45 minutes would totally eclipse what he has done in his entire career. And Sam would be forgotten," Roth said, adding , "I wonder how he sleeps at night."

    I always wanted to be an outrage to public decency and a threat to women. And this is one of the few occupations where you're not only allowed that, buy you're encouraged.

    Van Halen has always come down the beach with a torch in one hand and a sword in the other, and that's the way we've always approached our music and our live show and particularly my interviews and I don't see how people can resist. In 1984, you can't avoid us. You can talk whatever you want about clothing and haircuts, but it's all in the grooves. If the music moves, then you've got it.

    Iím about right here, right now. What the Van Halens are about is wasted time. If you think one second isnít valuable. Then ask the little girl who just missed getting a gold medal at the Olympics by one second. If you think one month is not valuable to somebody. Then ask the lady who just had a premature kid how valuable that month is. Eddie Van Halen and his sister have wasted years. Iím about right now. Iím about right here

    I have a very belligerent enthusiasm or an enthusiastic belligerence. Iím an intellectual slut.

    What I represent is attitude, point of view. What I represent is some sort of spiritual neighborhood. If you hate me then you hate your most favorite parts about yourself. Ozzy is the Prince of Darkness and Iím the Patron Saint of Larceny. Who would you rather be?

    What I did with Eddie Van Halen is as familiar as the McDonaldís arches or the Nike swoosh. You canít get through a sporting event, or at least a contact sporting event, on television without hearing me sing some verb to you, whether itís Jump or whatever. Songís like Hot For Teacher are as familiar as homeroom. Although now when I get spanked by a ruler it costs me a hundred dollars extra. Oh, thereís the drum roll. And, at this point in time the Devil should be runniní with me. Boom, shheee! Oh, there it is again. Actually, the ice cream truck should be playing my song. Thatís how familiar it is, somewhere between Ms. Nelsonís third period homeroom and the ice cream truck.

    Dave during a radio interview in 2002
    Interviewer: Youíre five minutes early! How rock and roll is that?
    Diamond Dave: Like a thunderbolt in your Cheerios, son, wake up and smell the toxic waste. They took it out of my pop tarts just when I was getting used to the taste. Actually, I havenít been to sleep since the late Eighties. How do I look?

    When they make my gravestone," says David Lee Roth, "it's going to be a cement copy of Huckleberry Finn with a pair of cement handcuffs on top of it.

    "Solitude is a pretty sweet drug, but if you try it< for more than a couple of days, you're an odds- on candidate for the Keith Richards Hall of Fame." Penthouse 1986

    DLR On "Livewire" 1980
    " Do you know what I am going to have put on my gravestone when I die? Here have one on me... I told you I didn't feel good"!
    Interviewer- David Lee you have pretty much I say everything that you have ever wanted up to now up until this point and have you thought of a goal that is out there like ...acting"
    DLR- "No...not acting. If you are talking about goals something that you work for, something that you strive and that you have to work for... I want a motorcycle"

    From "Innerview" 1980
    " Michael is a connoisseur of Jack Daniels...his best line is he likes a woman who knows what she is doing, cause after he finishes a bottle of Jack...he don't"

    From MTV's Hot Seat 1991
    "A Little Ain't Enough, Yeah..its the Honda principle baby. If 2 is good...the 4 is better! A working title for single, pretty good. As theme song for an entire career.. even a little bit better!

    From Rock Line 1986
    Viewer Call In --"You put on such an incredible live show with Van Halen and solo and I was wondering because you are so visual how come you never have released a live video, and are you ever going to do so?"
    Dave's Reply--- "Well it's Like my Pants.. Its hard to squeeze it all in!"

    There is a statue of a BUDDA in my driveway
    Rigid and stiff
    That's where the birds shit
    And he deserves it
    Me, like a blade of grass
    I bend profoundly
    No raindrops on me
    The wind blows 'round me


    Get yourself a brand-new Maserati... Open the door; Smells like vinyl, Corners like a brick, no bottom end, no stereo to be found. Now You get yourself a Maserati With a little distance under the tire, A couple of good drinking stories Packed into the rearview mirror, Here let me adjust that for you. Open the door; smells like leather, Corners like a dream shot through the eye of a cloud, Tipped right off of Babe Ruth's ghost bat---Pow! And your legs are gonna get bumps Every time the bass man thumps. The choice is yours.... That's what I thought; me too.

    From The Movie "AIRHEADS"

    CHAZZ was Brendan Fraser MOORE was Harold Ramis
    MILO was Michael McKean REX was Steve Buscemi
    IAN was Joe Mantegna
    (to Moore)
    Let me ask you a question. Which side did you take in the big Van Halen / David Lee Roth split?
    Uh...what do you mean?
    Chris Moore fidgets nervously.
    What kind of question is that?
    Which way did you go, man? Roth or Halen?
    Van Halen?
    He's a cop.
    Chazz tosses Chris Moore's wallet to the ground.
    Later, bacon.
    Oink oink!
    Come on, come on! That's strictly a judgment call, those guys sold a lot of records after Dave left the group. Give me another one.
    They confer for a second.
    Okay, who'd win in a wrestling
    Match, Lemmy or God?
    Lemmy-No... God!
    Wrong, dick-head, it was a trick
    Question. Lemmy is God.
    Chazz, you got it all wrong...
    (loses his cool)
    Get the fuck out of here, cop!

    David Lee Roth Army

    Various Quotes

    "The girls will turn your shorts into grilled cheese, man!"

    "Yes, I don't discriminate. I've slept with black women and Chinese women. In fact, I've slept with a black Chinese woman."

    "You mean that hot dog I just ate was Sammy Hagar?"

    "Van Halen is the 'Get the fuck of the sidewalk if ya don't like our drivin' ' kinda music!"

    "I remember being on the very first 'Joan Rivers Show' and I remember it vividly 'cause she was saying, 'At the Van Halen shows these days, people are holding up signs saying 'Screw David Lee Roth!''--and I'm thinkin', 'Is that advice?'"

    "I don't care what Ed Van Halen says about me--all's I know is that Howard Stern and Mr. Rogers like me just the way I fucking am!"

    "These two new songs on the "Best Of," for example, should come with a kit including a bong, a thesaurus, and a driver's side air-bag!"

    "The hood ornament on your car is for telling you where you're going. The rear-view-mirror is for showing you how good you look while you're getting there."

    "Do I ever get turned down by women? I never ask."

    "We took these two little people with us on tour, Jimmy and Danny, as my bodyguards. They're probably 3 1/2, 4 1/2 feet tall. We had 'em in 'S.W.A.T." uniforms. If nothing else, I can wake up in Tunafish, Wyoming, nine in the morning, hung-over; even if I'm miserable, I can look out the door to the hallway and there goes a midget in a bath towel holding the hand of a girl he was with last night--and I know I'm in rock 'n' roll!"

    "When you're on the road for nine months a year and you always have these cute little chiquitas running around in their halter tops, it's kind of hard to worry about things like nuclear proliferation."

    "I have three answers I give to interviewers. The first one is: 'Yeah, I think you're trying to ask me this, but I'm gonna talk about whatever the fuck I want.' The second is: 'I see what you're see what you're asking but I'm gonna talk about whatever the fuck I want.' And the third one is: 'Oh, I see. You're asking me this, lemme say something first and then I'm gonna talk about whatever the fuck I want.' It's quite an open forum."

    "After you take out the managers' percentage, the agents' percentage, the money for the roadies, the lighting, the trucks, the buses, the sound and everything, the most I'll probably see as far as money goes after it's all said and done, is...an island."

    "Hey, your girlfriend was partying with us backstage before the show, and she had a message for ya: 'mmfp mmf umf fmff mmm.'"

    "People are always asking me, 'Dave, what's it mean when you say somebody's rockin' or somebody's not rockin'?' and I say, 'I'll illustrate: a guy with black shoes, black socks, blue and white bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian luau shirt, a 'Nikon' and a jackknife around his neck, zinc oxide on his nose, a pair of sunglasses, a fishing hat with all the badges on it, and he's staring up at buildings--that's rock 'n' roll.'"

    David Lee Roth Army

    "She leaned over the table at the bar and said to me 'Dave...everybody wants some...would you like some too? So one thing lead to another and another and another and we ended up going to my hotel room. I walked inside the room...I turned off the liiiiights, and sat down at the edge of the bed. And I started to, I started to say something to her as I felt her hand reach across, and grab me by myyyyyyy...she gently, gently but firmly grabbed myyyyyyyy...she grabbed my by my hand [crowd boos]...ALRIGHT SHE GRABBED MY DICK, WHADDYA WANT MAN?! What are you laughin' at Al? You didn't get your dick grabbed all last week, man?!"

    "Would I join Van Halen again if they asked me? Not without a team of lawyers and a valuum!"

    "'DLR Band' means Dave, Lowery, and Ray. I named it that because it sounds more like a band then 'David Lee Roth,' which just sounds like a person. When you hear 'David Lee Roth'--you think of a person. When you hear 'DLR Band'--you think of a band. Just like when you hear 'Eddie Van Halen' you think of a person, and when you hear 'Van Halen'--you think of David Lee Roth."

    "We're simply throwing up a defense against becoming so insulated from our fans and dying face down in the bathroom poisoned by a banana split like Elvis" DLR on groupies.

    "We're just trying to interact with our audience on a socio-cultural level!"DLR on groupies.

    When asked to describe himself in six words or less:
    "Sugar, starch, fat, grease and alcohol!"
    "Sugar", he mimed holding a girl, "Starch" he flexed his biceps, "Fat" he rubbed his stomach, "Grease" he rubbed his fingers in the 'money' sign, and "Alcohol" needed no explaining.

    "An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance"

    "I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money."

    "Van Halen can keep providing the rain and I'll keep providing the parade."

    "It wouldn't be fair to compare my band of the future with something that belongs in the pasture."

    "I used to jog but the ice-cubes kept falling out of my glass."

    "The National Enquirer is the only paper I use for more than rolling joints."

    "I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle."

    "People think I have this strange concept of women, but they're wrong. I'm a family-oriented kind of guy. I've personally started four or five this year already!"

    "I can tell you don't like me at all... do me a favor, spread it around!"

    "If you can't do it in a white T-shirt and a pair of jeans under one white light bulb, you can't do it!"

    "A lot of bands mature, which means they get square; they start delivering messages. Hey, you got a message, use Western Union."

    David Lee Roth Army

    "People ask me, "so what about Van Halen today?" I tell 'em "hey I'm not in it, I don't give a shit." They say "so what about Valerie Bertinelli?" I say, "same answer."

    "One of my friends took me to one of these all-you-can-eat salad bars recently. I passed out and it took 3 Snickers bars and a Coke to revive me."

    "Hell, if I wanted to be serious, I'd have joined the Boston Symphony."

    "I live and breathe and do four times as much four times as fast as anyone else."

    "I just wanted to be in show biz. I wanted to make music and sing and dance, tell jokes and stories, make ya smile, make ya cry - and charge you $ 8.50"

    "I knew already when I was seven years old, that I wanted to be on stage and entertain people. I sell laughs. Here, you got one for free!"

    "I say to the guys in the band: "You know what Voltaire said?" They think Voltaire is an air conditioning company."

    "Always had it, always WILL have it!"

    "It's not who wants to sleep with you; It's who wants to sleep with you again."

    "He who knows how will always work for he who knows why."

    "With me in the band, itís one of those miraculous 97-97 deals. Itís 97 percent you and 97 percent moi. Is it Mick or Keith? I donít know. Iím currently the fun part, and Iíll always be the fun part. I ran into one of the current managers not terribly long ago, and he said, "Hey, Dave, you know, itís just another chapter. And I told him "No. Classic VH is the whole book, all right? The rest of you are just disposable chapters."

    "My Daddy told me when I was a boy - Dave, It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how good you looked!"

    "My aim is for this band to be the most colorful outfit on the map. I want the women who come to our gigs to remain the prettiest you will ever find at a rock'n'roll show. And I want our attitudes to be the highest.. Drama! Chaos! AND organization! It's a hell of a soundtrack to live by ... and that's exactly what we're going for!"

    'Whatever guy said that money don't but you pleasure didn't know where to go shopping' - David Lee Roth

    "I approach my concerts as if I were having a first date with a woman. I ask myself, `Would I still be here if I were blind? "

    "Maybe it's all bullshit, but who cares? It's a cool rockíníroll attitude anyway." - David Lee Roth on his image

    "Van Halen was one of the most hallelujah, tailgate, backyard, BBQ, arrive four hours early to the gig just for the parking lot bands. And still to this day is. It's an attitude. I think it's a spirit more than anything else is."

    "Van Halen likes to keep things simple. All we're doing is giving our daily lives melodies, beats and titles."

    Old Van Halen, when I was in it-classic Van Halen-makes you wanna drink, dance and screw, right? And the new Van Halen encourages you to drink milk, drive a Nissan and have a relationship.

    "If ever I do get really down in the dumps, though, I just pack a bag and take off for a month in the bush, just get lost in the wilderness somewhere away from all the bulls?!t" - DLR in Kerrang!

    "Some of the audiences know my lyrics better than I do"

    "It's funny---here I am the son of a Jewish doctor, and the Van Halens are sons of a musician, a world traveler. They wound up married with children, and I'm by myself, never happy staying in any one place for too long."

    "Most people are surprised that I spend most of my time alone. I lived with a girlfriend for a couple of years, but that's over now. Before that I lived on my own for twelve years. I do that now too and that's what makes me happy"

    "I was a virgin with a band called Van Halen. I don't ever expect that I'll find that situation again with a different group of guys when you're hiring quite literally right out of the parking lot."

    "Music is something Van Halen makes when they run out of nothing to do"

    "A lot of people think that a VH tour is just one long orgy with a few stops on stage in between. Well, let me tell you - they're right."

    "I was the early Van Halen style. I wrote half of every song you heard from Van Halen, sometimes more than that"

    "I found me a gal who is a Princeton graduate, front of the class, OK, comes from academic family, and plays roller hockey full contact, 2,3 times a week, and I mean full contact. She's taller than I am, and stronger than me, discovered that first time we went kayaking. Dry, critical, sarcastic, elitist, distant... hey baby want to get married?"

    "Many people think that the end has come when one marries and gets kids - to me it would be a wonderful new beginning."

    "There are three rings to marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering"

    "I don't get all the women that I want...I get all the women that want me!

    "I was with a girl not terribly long ago and she said "Mr. Roth, I think youíre the oldest person I've ever been with." I said "Honey I was gonna say the same thing to you."

    "Women are my hobby... every man needs something to keep his hands busy, and I don't have a guitar like Eddie and Michael, or some drums to bash like Alex, so I have to find some friends."

    "The world's a stage, and I want the brightest spot"

    "It hasn't got that much to do with ego. The world doesn't revolve around me. But I'm a competitor, not a spectator on this earth."

    "What am I going to do, sing a million dollars harder at the US Festival than at the bottom line? Honey, I sing like a million dollars regardless."

    "I've been going steady with my girlfriend for maybe two, maybe three... days!"

    "We've been together maybe ten years, straight out of high school and stuff. I'd say that in the whole ten years we've been together, we've put in ... oh. A good seven or eight hours of rehearsal."

    "There's a little Van Halen in all of us, and we're just trying to bring it out. It's like something bursts inside of you, something that makes you not care what people around you are thinking. It makes you invincible, like if a car hit you, nothing would happen to you. That experience is about the audience, not us. All we do is provide the soundtrack."

    "Van Halen's got nothing to hide. What you've walked into is a self-created fantasyland where everything happens four times as quick. Anything you desire you can find here, whatever your vice."

    "I always thought that song should be sung by a girl."- Roth about Sammy Hagar singing "Panama"

    "I won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister!"

    "Music videos are like girlfriends. I'm constantly amazed on what other people do"

    "Look at all the people here tonight!!

    "The only people who put iced tea in Jack Daniel's bottles is the Clash baby!!" US Festival 1983

    "You bet your ass this is real Jack Daniel's.. I don't see fuckin' Quiet Riot up here"

    "Take'em out back and give him a fuckin' drink, man. He made it this far, give him a fuckin' shot. Gimme the bottle, man!" - about a fan who ran on-stage at Donington 1984

    "Alex Van Halen is f?!ked up on Guinness tonight!!"

    "I'm feeling pretty fuckin' good myself tonight!"

    "We get to the hotel, there's people partyin' in the parking lot, people gettin' down in the elevator, wow! I swear to God I had this one chick, this chick was poundin' on my door, she was kickin' and screamin' at my door 'til about 6.30 this morning. Finally, I just said, "Fuck it! and let her out of my room"

    "Baby, don't stick that tongue out at me, unless you're gonna use it.. Ah, she's ready to use it!!" - to a girl in the audience

    "Hey, don't be throwin' no shit up on stage pal, cos I saw who threw that bottle and after the show... I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend, yeah!"

    "ALEX! I'm sorry, the motherf?!ker's been drinking since the 4th of July!"

    "You know I told him: Billy (Sheehan) when we started this band: We're gonna share everything, bro! I told him: Billy, if I have money, you have money. Billy, if I have food, you have food. I told him: Billy, if I find a beautiful woman in Detroit, you have two!"

    "When something goes wrong one should, instead of bitching and giving up, say "This didn't work out, eh? How can we fix it? What are we gonna do next?"

    "It doesn't get better, it doesn't get worse, but it sure gets different!"

    "Remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive"

    "Trouble with dreams is, a lot of them do come true. By the time they do, you've turned into somebody else. That's what happens with time... It's always been important to me, that my dream come true, when I wanted. We turned our dream into reality by not even really pursuing either one. We didn't pursue the dream and we certainly didn't pursue reality!"

    "When you get something like MTV, it's like regular television. You get it, and at first it's novel and brand new and then you watch every channel, every show. And then you become a little more selective and more selective, until ultimately... You wind up with a radio."

    "Whatever somebody else can't do in his 9-5 job, I can do in rock'n'roll."

    "You want to know if we're animals? When I'm on stage with the volume rippling my body like a glass of water and thousands of people are generating heat in my direction, there's no time for thought. My basement facilities take over completely. Sure it's animal. People might like to talk about art, but look where art is, in the gutter. "

    "I want to be in control, I want to know everything. Not just to be the guy who walks into the studio or up on stage and sings and that's it."

    "Now I make music without listening to my bank account"

    "The Breakfast of Champions isn't cereal, it's the competition!"

    " I'm gonna stand up for rock and roll tonight, baby... In fact, by the time we hit the stage, I'll be lucky to just stand up!"

    "Many of the critics have kids of their own. It scares the hell out of them to think that their kids could be anything remotely like David Lee Roth".

    "You know what rock musicians are? -They are hung up, neurotic, over-weight hippies with sex problems. DLR 1997

    "If a couple of strippers are fist-fighting in the hallway and you lose sleep and you show up gnarly and testy in the morning, then you record the fast song"- on the recording of ALAE (Rolling Stone)

    "Nothing in here is worth dying for"- message on DLR's gate

    "If a great surgeon insures his eyes, and a great pianist his fingers, why can't we insure my..."- DLR

    "A lot of rock bands are truly a legend in their own minds."

    "You don't have to be in the arena at this point, and for half of the bands out there it's probably better if they don't show up. You rather watch the smoke bombs and the light show and the statues"

    "If you took away every musician who drank or did drugs, you wouldn't have anybody left."

    "The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!"

    "Here today, gone later today" - about one-hit-wonder bands

    "My visions and fantasies are pretty standard. The only difference is I got to do it, while most of us havenít. Beyond that, I'm a pretty standard guy. Give me a gal with a sense of humor, acidic wit, whoís read a few books and has a body like a Swedish speed skater, and I'm quite content.Ē

    "Son of a gun... I FORGOT THE FUCKING WORDS!" - US Festival, 1983

    "Life is not a popularity contest. Do not expect to see Valentino in the mirror."

    "I think the two most difficult things to deal with in life are failure and success"

    "If you're a three-dimensional human being, if you are sassy, if you have the ability to be sexy and laugh at the same time, if you love a slam-dunk approach to music as well as a toast and a tear, if the bittersweet appeals to you, if you'd rather look over your shoulder and see two hot f?%k-me mambo babes doing that to your retinas with alarming frequency, if you want entertainment, celestial bodies ... this is adult music for adults. What Van Halen was designed to be. That's why you want to see David Lee Roth. We have not mellowed. What you are seeing here is a lot less wasted movement."

    "There's no pot of gold for us [Van Halen] at the end of the rainbow, we're just here to ride the rainbow"

    "People say that life is a cesspool of darkness and despair. Well we of Van Halen are sailing through it in a yacht!"

    "What are the characteristics of a good rock'n'roller? Rock'n'roll is in you. You either got it or you don't. You can't fake it. It has to be inside you just itching to get out. And when it does, POW! It's like a dam bursting. That's Van Halen."

    Gimme a bottle o'anythin' and a glazed donut - TO GO!"- Yankee Rose video intro, 1986

    "Oh my God! This is David Lee Roth of Van Halen, Live! In front of your naked steaming eyes"- a radio promo

    "I have tried many different forms of presentation in the past years. I was proud of some and less proud of others... But I did them all superbly!"

    "I am not this way, the way I am, because I am in a band. I am in a band, because I am this way"

    "People ask me how far I've come. And I tell them 12 feet. From the audience to the stage!"

    "Seriously, I don't have any rivals. You can't have me and a second-rate impersonation of me and tell me that here's my rival. No contest! There is such a thing as being original. Without it, no matter how good the impersonation, you're nothing."

    "Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it"

    "The beauty of rock and roll is that there are no rules and no schools. You just make it up as you go."

    "Audience participation should extend from on-stage to backstage to under the stage"

    "Let's play with the career, if we can't find anything else to do"

    "We wouldn't lie to ya! We just met ya! Lyin's for LATER in the relationship..." "I only have two flavors baby, bubblegum and dick... and I'm all out of bubblegum."

    "There are two rules to living well. The first is, don't sweat the little shit. The second is, it's all little shit. In other words, it's all okay. We may be lost, but we're way ahead of schedule."

    -From Crazy From The Heat-

    From the chapter "What Made Classic VanHalen Tick"

    "Regardless of how a song was written though, the key to the Van Halen sound is that it was live in the studio,ÖÖ.."

    "But the very finest Van Halen material was performed absolutely live in the studio, all of those first albums. And the best material on the later albums was completely live, including the solo, including the echo that was on the individual instruments. And we played each song three or four times. We would pick the best version, but almost inevitably the very first version would be the best because we weren't thinking about it."

    "It was very pure because there was very little done later except to rearrange the instruments; let's turn up the guitar, let's turn it down. We can't quite hear the voice here so let's turn it up, let's turn it down, whatever. That was the extent of it."

    "If you'll notice, all Van Halen songs, the really good ones, end up faster than they startedÖ..Things became more furious right around the end of the guitar soloÖ..The band played all the songs all together in the studio, including the guitar solo, which means it was exactly live."

    "Oh, man. We defied all convention. The media, the rock critics squealed like wieners on a barbecue. Wholly unacceptable. Wholly unacceptable. We weren't afraid to try anything."

    "The Van Halens understood the heavy rock approach and were proponents of that which begat punk rock, that crash and burn approach."

    From the chapter "Wars And Remembrance"

    "One of the reasons that Van Halen merchandise was so successful, as was the music, is because it was generated from the same source. I never considered it to be any different. It was a pure approach. Same as we created the songs. Pure. VH music was not designed to sell. We went against the grain from beginning to end. It was designed to speak, to tell a story. And because of that, I'm convinced now, is why it's so massively popularÖÖÖÖÖÖ."

    "The horse will find it's way to the water if the water exists. But if you dry out the pond intentionally, that's it, man, it's gone. All you'll have is a story."

    "I'm very proud of what was that band and what was that show and what it did mean to people. It disgusts me that it has turned into the complete opposite. That it now represents everything that I spoke against, that we supposedly represented the converse of. I don't want to have to remember that the team turned into that. Makes me question what the team was while I was a member. Was it all bullshit? If nothing else, it confirms in my mind that from my standpoint-yours truly, David Lee-not a fraction. If nothing else, this kind of morbid, wounded animal anger aimed my way has caused me to look deep into that bathroom mirror and come back to you with "my shit was legit." It was for real. And perhaps the test is time. Because here I am, a decade and a half later, haven't changed much. My sense of humor is about the same."

    "I guess the best I can say is: Don't believe every syllable of everything that you read by everybody who wrote it. Go out and buy those records and see if you can hear the truth in the music. That's my reccommendation. Some of those records you may have to buy twice-just in case you want your best pal to listen in too so you can discuss it some more. Dolemite, motherfucker!"

    From the chapter BUSINESS 101:

    "When I put on a show, you're gonna get your bang for the buck. The only responsibility I feel toward the audience is to maximize my inspirations and imaginations 100 percent. Well, I got imagination the size of Texas. And that costs a lot of money. It starts right with the band. I'm not gonna bring you some ill-rehearsed horseshit, with sub-par musicians because I could pay them less. I'm gonna bring you one hundred slammin' days rehearsal where most people are gonna give you ten. You know how much that costs? In terms of the staging, the lights and the whatever? Wow! So once that 33 percent is gone, all the rest I used up for the show. Yeah, I could have cut back. I could also have another name and be a different artist, too. I don't cut back. I'd rather die than be the last guy up the hill. Period. Peri-fuckin'-id."

    "It's unfortunate that this feuding has to continue all the way up until the present, because what Van Halen meant to a lot of people and myself in particular, was very positiveÖÖ.. I guess the best thing I can say is: Don't believe every syllable of everything you read by everybody who wrote it. Go out and buy those records and see if you can hear the truth in the music. That's my recommendation. Some of those records you may have to buy twice-just in case you want your best pal to listen in too so you can discuss it some more. Dolemite, motherfucker!"

    DLR in Amsterdam promoting his Vassa, Finland Tour 99 show.
    "Oh, great, spectacular. This the real deal, it is an official band. We got desperate men in search of a desperate fortune, and it comes out in the sound. You know, the guys have been rehersing like crazy! And I'm here to cheerlead. I'm the prep comissioner, you know, zen and the art of mojo-madness. We train...at the Mojo-Dojo!(laughs)"

    "Here I am, 20 summers later in a business where new artists last what; three and a half years? No, no, no, I dont have time to say Hello in three and a half years!!"

    When asked: "How much has the new record sold in the States?" "Sold...you gotta understand that now I own a record company and I make whatever the record company makes...so...are you trying to hit me off for a dinner? 'Cause I'll take your whole motherfuckin' country for a dinner on this one, babe!"

    This year, we're going out on the "97 Tons of Fun Tour". And you're all invited. Just so you have an idea of the kinds of torques and pressures that take place on the road, the hidraulic cranes that are used to carry the equipment are powerful enough to throw a Cadillac for four city blocks. Lots of times, when I see a rock-n-roll show, I rather see 'em throw the Cadillac. This will be one instance where you get both. - DLR (1987)

    Everyone's always criticizing the Van Halen crowd, you know. Fourteen, twelve, thirteen. And that's what I'm talkin' about, lowest common denominator. So don't flatter yourself baby, cause people ain't no smarter. And when you're up on stage, you CAN touch the person in the 83rd row; you can touch that person, almost with your gestures or your voice, you can touch them. And when you use the kind of words that go "kushsh", that's what makes an impact, man; that's rock-n-roll. But when you use the kind of words that go "woosh", you can forget it, man. And when you go to a Van Halen show, you're gonna hear words that go "kushsh". Cause the moment you start using words that go "woosh", you're gonna start hearing the kids say "Hey Gene, I wonder what's going on outside." "Yeah Ray, let's go get a hot dog." David Lee Roth

    Van Halen can deliver storm and thunder, Van Halen can go down to the beach with a torch in one hand and a sword in the other and still inflict a sense of humor. I call Van Halen's music an entire pre-tense - Big Rock. We're sort of a carnival/circus/gypsy/day care center. It's actually very festive. David Lee Roth

    The whole concept of Yankee Rose started when we were thinking what it would be like if the Statue of Liberty was a real gal. And you'd have a situation where me and the boys would be standing around in front of the liquor store (like we're always standing in front of the liquor store), and she would walk by, and we would be like, "Hey baby, you need a hot dog to go with that shake?" But that didn't sound very patriotic, see. So we had to tweak things around, tighten the screws a little. And so, what you have is sort of a heart-felt sort of patriotism. Actually, I meant it to be downright sexy - the Yankee Rose! - DLR (1987)

    People are always coming up to me and asking me what I'm gonna do when I'm like 80 years old; and I think about it for a little while - not for too long. And I say, granted, when I turn 80, I think I'm gonna hang around with the kids, you know. I'll be sittin' on the rockin' chair, on the stoop, you know, and the kids'll come up to me, and go "Mr. Roth, Mr. Roth, tell us about when you wuz a rock-n-roll star!". And I'll have to act the part, cause I'm kinda dramatical. And I'll go, "Weeeeell, seems to me I don't really remember that, boys." And they'll go, "Yeah you do, yeah you do. Tell us about when you when on tour to Paris, France, and you fell in love with the blonde lady." And I'll go, "Weeeeell, seems to me I do remember something like that." And they'll go, "Yeah you do, yeah you do. You gotta picture of her in your pocket." And so, I'll reach into my pocket real slow, and I'll take out the photograph, and I'll go, "Yeah, I think it was Paris, France. I think it was 1987. Look at that booty!" - DLR (1987)

    Dave commenting on the MTV podium while he was presenting an award at the MTV Music Awards (the podium was the MTV logo surrounded by all sorts of garbage & musical instruments): "Wow man, this looks like half an hour after a dinosaur ate the Count Basey band." -- David Lee Roth

    Dave being interviewed when VH was nominated for a Grammy: "Van Halen is up for a Grammy award, and half of us can't even spell it." -- David Lee Roth

    "Hippitty bip-bop-bop-boppin' down in Glen Ellen Regional Park baby! That's right, Van Halen in Glen Ellen - makes sense to me see! I'm talkin' a full moon, a sea of faces, oceans of beer, have no fear! Heard ya missed me, I'm back! Diamond is here."

    "There's nobody who can take my place in that band. There may be one or two who will try and make the effort. Just as there will always be champions there will always only be one ALI. I'm the front in Van Halen and I always will be the front in Van Halen." -- DLR 1997

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