Kristy's 2013 NFL Prediction/Situation Thread

[Kristy]

I'll add more to this when time allows. So here's what's happen in the 2013 NFL season:

The Chicago Bears


Bear fans can expect another dismal season with Cuntler at the helm. Now with Brian Urlacher gone and that creepy looking Marc Trestman mapping out the plays 'Da Bears' will go a 5 and 11 and Cuntler will outdo his previous NFL interception record; get hurt in late October, whine like the little bitch he his and soon will join Mr. Urlacher in 2014.


Dallas Cowboys



Look for it to be a tragic, tragic, just gawd-awful season for the Cowboys in 2013 with Tony Romeo Homo killing himself with a bullet to the face. Jones, naturally, will replace him in a heartbeat with no problems whatsoever. The Cowboys have a tough schedule in 2013 playing The Giants, Packers and Saints upon which they'll go 4 and 12.

Miami Dolphins




Who?


Philadelphia Eagles



If there is one team in the entire NFL I'll never understand it's the Philadelphia Eagles. Lodsa of top draft picks, tremendous athletes who look good on paper and still they sucked mouse balls. My best guess Reid was to blame for a lot of this team's failures. Chip Kelly? Wet behind the ears college coaches rarely do well in the NFL so expect Philadelphia to give you nothing but more mediocre football in 2013. 3 and 13 for the year. So yeah, fuck them. And fuck you for ever liking them.

San Diego Chargers



Somebody (and it has to be soon) really needs to stick the fork up Philip Rivers ass or, perhaps pull out and show it to him because the guy is done. Rivers is the problem in San Diego. Don't tell me otherwise. Shame, really because Rivers had so much potential but let his dick suckling ego get the best of him. If the Texans defense (such as it is) doesn't fuck him up this year, the Raiders will. Look for Rivers to complain a lot in 2013 (like he does every year) throw temper tantrums on the field and be a asshole to sideline interviews. 8 and 8 for the year and no wildcard birth. Rivers must die.

[Kristy]

Indianapolis Colts


Don't fuck with the Luck. Not only will the Colts go 16-0 this season they will do so without grace. Luck will surgically disseminate defenses, destroy stadiums, and burn cities to the ground. Then he will come to your house and rape your wife and daughter while punching you in the face. We're not talking no more Mr Nice Guy Alice Cooper-ish here, no we're talking Charles Manson blowing Mao Tse Tung with a ragin' hard on.

[Kristy]

Pittsburgh Steelers



Once again, Cocksinbreathburger will be running the show and once again, you can expect the same performance: great passes but a lot of shitty ones in between and a whole lot of fucks ups. Cocksinbrethburger along with his token black coach Mike Tomlin shall see some improvement on offense but just don't expect much elsewhere. A so-so 10 and 6 season winning ugly in more than half of them.

Arizona Cardinals


By far the worst team in the NFL. Arizona is the St Jude cancer victim you see on late night cheap TV with no hope and no chance of recovery. Carson Palmer can throw worth a monkey ass under pressure and Bruce Arians can't navigate around a "gridiron" if Larry Fitzgerald was fucking him with a lenstatic compass. Arizona is why so much of the NFL sucks. 2 and 14 and a death sentence.

Oakland Raiders



By far the most comical team in the NFL. Only they're not at all funny. The Raiders still and always will be the epitome of suck not in the NFL but in everything they do. Ex Bronco Dennis Allen will be the latest sacrifice to run that shithole team into the ground to a 5 and 11 record and leave them to the embarrassment of NFL fans. R.I.P. Al, you have nothing to worry about.

[Fairwrning]

This may be my favorite thread...Particularly the Steelers assessment...welcome back Kristy..ya little sweetie.

[Kristy]

Green Bay Packers


No other player in the NFL has a bigger penis than Aaron Rodgers. Yeah I know the Packers are America's original blue collar team but I still fucking hate them! Why? It's all the hype and bullshit that surrounds this team and...they are from Wisconsin. Fuck Wisconsin. Say, besides Texas, there are is no other state in the Union that has more retards and social fuck ups than Wisconsin. Now, Rodgers and his huge penis will once again rise to the top in 2013 giving white collar season ticket holders a 13 and 3 offering.

New England Patriots



Look for the Brady/Bell-On-A-Dick marriage to fall apart in 2013. Brady is beyond burnt out and Bell-On-A-Dick is well, a dick. Between the lawyers, fat ass supermodels in $600 designer jeans and the family dog, the Patriots will continue to piss off every other team in the NFL by winning big. But like all popular marriages that end look for a lot of press, headaches and petty bitching. 12 and 4 with the supermodel going to Bell-On-A-Dick. The dog to Brady

New York Giants


Elisa Manning, The younger more effeminate, slightly less retarded bother of Faketon, will once again play the role of the molested boyscout of aging Tom Coughing. Elisa doesn't like anal sex so he will have to impress Uncle Tommy by taking risks. Elisa, therefore, will throw the god damn ball anywhere. And I do mean anywhere. Does not matter if there is a receiver in the area or that receiver plays on the same team as Elisa. Look for some solid entertainment from The Giants that no other team in the NFL can possibly deliver. 11 and 5 with a Jerry Sandusky blessing.

[Igosplut]

Elaborate and funny...

[Kristy]

Seattle Seahawks



Oh, the humanity! Seattle won't be as surprising or talented as years past due you can only sell your soul once. Pete Carrol a.k.a Satan's lapdog in his Black Mass rituals will take the Seahawks to a 10 and 6 sacrifice. Other than that, expect other teams to laugh at their ridiculous neon gangrene infected uniforms (and matching shoes).

Tennessee Titans



Gawd knows I hate shitty football. For football is a man's sport where violence and blood and mud mix like Rohypnol in Lyndsey's Lohan's elephant eared slimy vagina. No team in the history of the NFL has given more drama than the Tennessean Titans. Why if it wasn't for Vince Young no emo kid would ever watch a NFL game. While I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not, the Titans with now porn star model/biggest Smiths fan Jake Locker will cry themselves into a 3 and 13 suckfest of Prozac-induced therapy for their remaining suicidal fans.

[Kristy]

Minnesota Vikings


I see the Vikings and want to cry. After the Brett Farve fiasco the Vikings have little left to offer other than a overpaid yet highly impressive running back who must have made the shittiest career choice back in 2010. Not much else can be said about the Vikings. They are more boring than attending your grandmother's funeral. Maybe a player will be arrested for a wife beating/DUI/gun crime this season which will far more exciting than their record which I can't be bothered with.

Houston Texans



Can you say "bad ass"? Yeah? Cool. The Texas almost have everything they need to rule the AFC in 2013. Their Achilles heel? Head coach Gary "The Grey" Pubiack who doesn't know how to orchestrate a NFL playoff game. Matt Schaub is possibly the best QB in the league right now. Even with that said, you wouldn't want to fuck him much less bring him home to meet your mother. 15 and 1. Bad ass, indeed.

[TFM_Dale]

Pretty fucking funny Kristy, two thumbs up!

[Kristy]

Detroit Lions



Detroit is Rodger Goodell's all-time fav team. Of course he knows they suck (they're from Detroit for fuck's sake). Detroit doesn't want to score points or play by the rules. They could care less about either. What Detroit wants in 2013 is your lunch money, to give your a wedgie and stuff your ego into a locker. With Ndamukong "Donkey Kong" Peggy Sue and his merry gang of Lion marauders, Kong Boy will not only write bad things about you on your Facebook page, he'll step on your face only to protest that he is the real victim here. Goodell loves bullies because he is one himself and you know he is secretly rooting for the Lions to dish out a lot of first down purple nurples and wet willies. 7 and 9 but will threaten you with a 9 and 7. So watch your ass.

[Kristy]

New Orleans Saints



Okay, so Sean Payton is back as are the rest of his mafia hitman conspirators. Problem is, like San Diego's dilemma, they have Drew Breeeeezeeee who is more unpredictable than Alex Jones on Piers Morgan. And what's more unpredictable than that is the rest of the Saints offense so they drafted and signed rookies to sidestep last years embarrassment with this year's one. Payton is one crafty mutha. Maybe, just maybe they'll pull out a 8 and 8 this year but I wouldn't hold my breath that they are capable of doing much else.

[Kristy]

Saint Louis Rams



The Saint Louis Rams are the Sue Heck of the NFL. They just keep on trying after other teams have failed to notice them - not sure if they still are in the NFL. So what did they do? Drafted a wide receiver for a Sam Bradford to have a friend he can throw to in the 2013 season so he wouldn't look so stupid on TV (it's lonely when your the ram QB these days). They'll still be the laughing stock? Why? Two words: Jeff Fisher. I give them 5 wins and random wins at that.

Kansas City Chiefs


2012 was a miserable and tragic year for the Chiefs. Not only did they have the worst record in the NFL they are aiming to outdo themselves in 2013 by hiring walrus face Andy Reid. Reid has once again starting off his new job by being the clueless fuckstick he's always been. The Chiefs have 0 offense so what does he do? Well, the Chiefs were #1 in the food line this year when he came to picks so Reid goes for a defensive player. Wow! Great start! Look for Castle to choke, Reid to meltdown and the fans throwing off their red for white (as in we just give up) and move to another city. 6 and 10.

Atlanta Falcons


Also in 2012, one can safely say the Falcons were the most impressive team in he NFL even if they did suck. I like Matt Ryan and the way he plays with a good head on his shoulders it's just too bad he has so many fuck ups and retards around him. Mike Smith is a control freak Nazi cocksucker and now with Tony Gonad Gonzalez retired, Matt is going to have a lot of trouble keeping his head in place. I say they kick the shit out of their NFC South rivals but just about everyone else is going to be kicking the shit of out them. A mediocre 8 and 8 with Matt in a 20 year coma.

Carolina Panthers


The Carolina Panthers are that TV show that everyone talks about but no one watches yet maintains a strange cult following as a result. Why they have soap opera legend Cam "The Spam" Newton with his co stars Steve Smith and DeAngelo Williams. And like a certain television show, Cam can't seem to find either one of them much because he has no clue as to where his own ass is on the field. Sure, there are conspiracies and alleged conspiracies like how Ron Rivera is Puerto Rican spy and Jerry Richardson is a card carrying member of the Illuminati who happens to own a small island...7-7-1-1 because those numbers add up to something.

[mh5150]

I can't wait for Kristy review of the WORLD CHAMPION BALTIMORE RAVENS. ..

[Angel]

Omg, Kristy! This is fucking brilliant! Way to go!!! If I ever decide to try my hand at stand-up comedy, will you be my writer? :bravo: (don't know if that's a smiley or not)

[Nickdfresh]

This may be my favorite thread...Particularly the Steelers assessment...welcome back Kristy..ya little sweetie.

This is a good thread. I anxiously await her commentary on the perennial suck-fest of fail that is the once proud Buffalo Bills franchise. Although with recent changes and by-all-accounts a solid draft, I now have hope, again. Yikes!..