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So there I was, downtown Denver when I saw what looked like two metal fans arguing with each other.
One said to the other, “Hey, gay boy! You suck, you fucking gay fag! Get the fuck out of metal, you gay homo! Everything you do is huge gay!"
Now I apologize if I continue to fail in my understanding of you metal fans, but what are you trying to say, exactly? Are you implying that all fans of metal bowl from the pavilion end? And are you saying that there is no place in for players of the pink oboe in the long-haired, tight leather and high-pitched screeching world of super-butch rock 'n' roll? Now unlike Jimmy Page, there’s an original thought.
Now of course being an urban cosmopolitan sophisticate I am smugly aware that all pop music is as gay as a billion screamingly camp geese dressed in lilac spats and cheekily tilted day-glo green berets. Oh yes.
Getting back to the shouting metal fan's illiterate epistle (do you think he was teased at school like the rest of you?) has inspired me to do some research. So I went on the internet to find out just how gay metal actually is, and more specifically – which is gayer – metal or Katy Perry? Kids, prepare to be shocked
Type the words “gay” and “metal” into the Google search engine and you get 440,200 results. Type in “gay” and “heavy metal” and you get 2,360,000. Change “gay” to “taking it up the ass” and you get 174,000 – nearly all from metal fans screaming abuse at other metal fans in forums such as this. Meanwhile, "faggot” and “heavy metal” give us 116,000. Changing “faggot” to “queer” throws up 308,000. And “cocksucker” 45,000 (Hey, can any of you cretins spell “obsessed”?)
“Shitstabber” gives us 10,000 results but “shirtlifter” reveals the fact that there actually is a band called Shirtlifter! Brilliant! Problem is, they’re not actually metal. Boo! Typing in the phrase “homo-metal”, however, reveals the existence of the gay metal bands Pink Steel and Man Hole. Not only that, it also uncovers a totally unreadable page entitled “THE BLASPHEMERS OF SODOM: "THE MORNING STAR" - AVENGING ALLAH ARCHANGEL OF CHRIST AND DRAGON NAZARENE CHRONICLE #666”. Which appears to be written by a drug-crazed madman who should definitely be given a recording contract whether he can play the guitar or not.
It also leads you into the gimp-gloved claws of the sort of people who get their rocks off jack-hammering 9 inch nails through their penises presumably while listening to Rammstein who, as you know, are the gayest band ever.
“Katy Perry" and “gay” only gives us 146,000 hits and a brilliant video but also reveals the existence of a gay Katy Perry scene and of a self-confessed Katy Perry fan called Jason Gay (who might or might not be straight). “Katy Perry” and “assbandit” give us 0 hits (which is a bit of a shock – surely there must be an metal band somewhere called Assbandit?). “Katy Perry” and “pink oboe”, however, gives us 20 hits (most clarinet tributes on YouTube) and reveal what seems to be an Katy Perry-orientated bondage club (more details, please!) Check video below.
Combined with “indie” - “takes it up the ass” gives us 140,000 hits, “pillow biter” 3, “faggot “160,940, “queer” 300,700 and “bummer” 3, 200 (thanks largely to who, rather charmingly, don’t seem to have fully grasped the word’s full meaning).
Conclusion? Metal wins – by a fluffy pink mile.
We have a wiener, er, winner
Now I am not saying that metal fans aren’t normal. Of course they are. Everyone knows that. Now according to market research carried out on behalf of sociology sexologists, about 35% of the male population have had a same-sex experience “to the point of orgasm”. If you add in non-orgasmic encounters then that figure reaches 54%. And if you then add in homosexual encounters that most people don’t realize are homosexual encounters (but are as gay as fuck when you actually think about it, like stripping half-naked and writhing about with other sweat-soaked men at a metal gig, for instance) then our figure reaches a staggering 98%!
Which means, of course, that not only is metal gay, but that the words “gay" and “metal” are, for all practical purposes, entirely interchangeable and that being gay/metal is, in fact, normal. Which obviously means that if you’re not a homosexual heavy metal fan then you’re some kind of sick-in-the-head fucking pervert. Oh hang on, the metal kids are arguring again:
“Hey, straight boy! You suck, you fucking straight clit-sucker! Get the fuck out of metal, you straight hetero! Everything you do is straight! You are a huge straight! Straight straight straight straight straight straight!
One said to the other, “Hey, gay boy! You suck, you fucking gay fag! Get the fuck out of metal, you gay homo! Everything you do is huge gay!"
Now I apologize if I continue to fail in my understanding of you metal fans, but what are you trying to say, exactly? Are you implying that all fans of metal bowl from the pavilion end? And are you saying that there is no place in for players of the pink oboe in the long-haired, tight leather and high-pitched screeching world of super-butch rock 'n' roll? Now unlike Jimmy Page, there’s an original thought.
Now of course being an urban cosmopolitan sophisticate I am smugly aware that all pop music is as gay as a billion screamingly camp geese dressed in lilac spats and cheekily tilted day-glo green berets. Oh yes.
Getting back to the shouting metal fan's illiterate epistle (do you think he was teased at school like the rest of you?) has inspired me to do some research. So I went on the internet to find out just how gay metal actually is, and more specifically – which is gayer – metal or Katy Perry? Kids, prepare to be shocked
Type the words “gay” and “metal” into the Google search engine and you get 440,200 results. Type in “gay” and “heavy metal” and you get 2,360,000. Change “gay” to “taking it up the ass” and you get 174,000 – nearly all from metal fans screaming abuse at other metal fans in forums such as this. Meanwhile, "faggot” and “heavy metal” give us 116,000. Changing “faggot” to “queer” throws up 308,000. And “cocksucker” 45,000 (Hey, can any of you cretins spell “obsessed”?)
“Shitstabber” gives us 10,000 results but “shirtlifter” reveals the fact that there actually is a band called Shirtlifter! Brilliant! Problem is, they’re not actually metal. Boo! Typing in the phrase “homo-metal”, however, reveals the existence of the gay metal bands Pink Steel and Man Hole. Not only that, it also uncovers a totally unreadable page entitled “THE BLASPHEMERS OF SODOM: "THE MORNING STAR" - AVENGING ALLAH ARCHANGEL OF CHRIST AND DRAGON NAZARENE CHRONICLE #666”. Which appears to be written by a drug-crazed madman who should definitely be given a recording contract whether he can play the guitar or not.
It also leads you into the gimp-gloved claws of the sort of people who get their rocks off jack-hammering 9 inch nails through their penises presumably while listening to Rammstein who, as you know, are the gayest band ever.
“Katy Perry" and “gay” only gives us 146,000 hits and a brilliant video but also reveals the existence of a gay Katy Perry scene and of a self-confessed Katy Perry fan called Jason Gay (who might or might not be straight). “Katy Perry” and “assbandit” give us 0 hits (which is a bit of a shock – surely there must be an metal band somewhere called Assbandit?). “Katy Perry” and “pink oboe”, however, gives us 20 hits (most clarinet tributes on YouTube) and reveal what seems to be an Katy Perry-orientated bondage club (more details, please!) Check video below.
Combined with “indie” - “takes it up the ass” gives us 140,000 hits, “pillow biter” 3, “faggot “160,940, “queer” 300,700 and “bummer” 3, 200 (thanks largely to who, rather charmingly, don’t seem to have fully grasped the word’s full meaning).
Conclusion? Metal wins – by a fluffy pink mile.
We have a wiener, er, winner
Now I am not saying that metal fans aren’t normal. Of course they are. Everyone knows that. Now according to market research carried out on behalf of sociology sexologists, about 35% of the male population have had a same-sex experience “to the point of orgasm”. If you add in non-orgasmic encounters then that figure reaches 54%. And if you then add in homosexual encounters that most people don’t realize are homosexual encounters (but are as gay as fuck when you actually think about it, like stripping half-naked and writhing about with other sweat-soaked men at a metal gig, for instance) then our figure reaches a staggering 98%!
Which means, of course, that not only is metal gay, but that the words “gay" and “metal” are, for all practical purposes, entirely interchangeable and that being gay/metal is, in fact, normal. Which obviously means that if you’re not a homosexual heavy metal fan then you’re some kind of sick-in-the-head fucking pervert. Oh hang on, the metal kids are arguring again:
“Hey, straight boy! You suck, you fucking straight clit-sucker! Get the fuck out of metal, you straight hetero! Everything you do is straight! You are a huge straight! Straight straight straight straight straight straight!
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