The Cat is Away

[VanHalener]

Alright now, Vanhalenette is leaving tomorrow for a week long beach trip with her family and I am staying home. Why am I staying home? Because after a day or two with her sisters I may just have to kill one or both of them. Love them, but they drive me crazy. So, I need a laundry list of things to do while my woman is away.

Your mission should you accept it, and you will, is to provide old vanhalener with a list of things to do while the cat is away 'cause this mouse is ready to play. You want to laugh? Give me something to do to make you laugh. Think I'm affraid? Better think again. Well, jail sucks so keep me out of jail.
The more realistic the task, the easier time I will have pulling it off and providing pictures to prove it's done.
You sick fucks are just the help I need to get through the week without my baby, so bring it on. The fun begins August 5th.
(maybe I should be affraid)

[VanHalener]

Alright, vanhalenette has spilt to gather last minute items with family for their trip in the morning.

Nothing on the board here for me to do, so I guess I'm going to take a few of my little buddies to the farm for a while.

IS THERE ANYBODY DOWN RANGE?!

[VanHalener]

What, no takers?...hmmmm. Must have a Van Halen concert to get to.

Destroyed many *targets today with extreme prejudice. My buddy Paul's friend Donny wiped us all up, but it was damned close. Guns away, we pounded some Belgian Fruit Lambic: apple, peach, raspberry.

Fruit Lambic: The acidity of Lambic provides a particularly good based for fruit beers. Because these begin with a fermentation of grain, and are primed with fruit later, they are beers and not wines. The use of fruit (like that of spices) almost certainly pre-dates the hop as a flavour-modifier in beer. In the traditional method, the fruit is added during the maturation of the beer, causing a further fermentation. The happiest results are arguable with fruits that have stones, which can impart a balancing, almondy, dryness. The best of Belgian fruit beers have the dryness of a pink Champagne, rather than the sweetness of a soda-pop. Like Champagnes, they are often served in flute-style glasses. In the Brussels area, the home of Lambic, a typical local fruit is a small, dark, variety of cherry, known in Flemish as the Kriek. Lambic-based Kriek beers are the most traditional fruit brews. Raspberries, known in Flemish as Frambozen , and French as Framboises , are also widely used. The Cantillon brewery has in recent years experimented to interesting effect with Muscat grapes, which are grown under glass in Belgium as dessert fruit. More exotic fruits, added as syrups, are used in novelty beers by the more commercially-minded breweries. The term Lambic is used only when that style of beer is used as the base. Contrary to misunderstandings in some other countries, there is no connection between the term Lambic and the use of fruit. Equally, many good fruit beers in Belgium are not based on Lambic. For example, several of the Brown brews made in Oudenaarde are used as the base for Kriek or Frambozen beers.


Here's to the Gods of Non

May I receive a task before this is dumped.



T minus six hours to missin' my baby...
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*Paper, clay, and plastic targets. I shot and ate one squirrel. He asked for it for quite a while. No, really! And he tasted just like chicken.

[Hyman Roth]

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[Dan]

Pron,Pron And Pron.

BTW.....Stock-Up on hand cream and paper towels.

And Fill The Fridge Full of Piss.

[VanHalener]

Originally posted by Hyman Roth
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Don't think I'll be fortunate enough to score an airborne jump before the woman returns.There's got to be something in the area I can jump from and survive.(thinking...will get back to you on this one)

[VanHalener]

Originally posted by Dan
Pron,Pron And Pron.

BTW.....Stock-Up on hand cream and paper towels.

And Fill The Fridge Full of Piss.

Happy Birthday Dan.

Checklist:

2.5 oz bottle ASTROGLIDE Glycerine& Paraben free

2.35 oz bottle regular Astroglide

2.5 oz bottle JO Premium Personal lubricant.

18 oz bottle Suave Skin Therapy

4 rolls paper towels

1 roll toilet paper

last nights empty case of beer bottles for fridge.

Going to my mechanics shop for a while while camera battery charges. This fridge thing is going to be pretty disgusting, Dan.

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[diamondsgirl]

Why don't you clean the whole house from top to bottom

Checklist:

Lysol Tub and Tile Cleaner
Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner
Lysol Antibacterial Kitchen Cleaner
Mr. Clean Floor Cleaner
Windex
Murphy's Oil Soap
Clorox Disinfecting Wipes
Pledge Furniture Polish
lots of rags
4 more rolls of paper towels

[chi-town324]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
Why don't you clean the whole house from top to bottom

Checklist:

Lysol Tub and Tile Cleaner
Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner
Lysol Antibacterial Kitchen Cleaner
Mr. Clean Floor Cleaner
Windex
Murphy's Oil Soap
Clorox Disinfecting Wipes
Pledge Furniture Polish
lots of rags
4 more rolls of paper towels

[VanHalener]

Alright Dan, I had to supplement a stack of napkins for the fourth roll of towels. Gotta keep my word, so here's the gear.(there is no guarantee these items will be used this week )

The firidge and piss thing is still being mulled over by my team of experts. Please stand by for an update...

[VanHalener]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
Why don't you clean the whole house from top to bottom

Checklist:

Lysol Tub and Tile Cleaner
Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner
Lysol Antibacterial Kitchen Cleaner
Mr. Clean Floor Cleaner
Windex
Murphy's Oil Soap
Clorox Disinfecting Wipes
Pledge Furniture Polish
lots of rags
4 more rolls of paper towels

I knew I should be affraid! Damnit!!!!! Good thing we generally keep a clean house. This is going to be a pain in the hoo haa, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Alright diamondsgirl,

Bathroom one complete. Ain't this a bitch?!! More to come, just for you.
(walking away grumbling)

[diamondsgirl]

Originally posted by vanhalener
I knew I should be affraid! Damnit!!!!! Good thing we generally keep a clean house. This is going to be a pain in the hoo haa, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Alright diamondsgirl,

Bathroom one complete. Ain't this a bitch?!! More to come, just for you.
(walking away grumbling)

ooooohh wow...

I am so impressed!!

do you normally do the cleaning or does she? or do you share? or hire out?

this could lead to some serious lovey dovey when she gets home

a man cleans my house like that and I'll do anything he wants. :p

[smaz]

Where'd you live DG?


Hmm... Using whatever objects are suitable, create a collage of any of the classic VH albums on your garage door or driveway

[chi-town324]

Originally posted by vanhalener
I knew I should be affraid! Damnit!!!!! Good thing we generally keep a clean house. This is going to be a pain in the hoo haa, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Alright diamondsgirl,

Bathroom one complete. Ain't this a bitch?!! More to come, just for you.
(walking away grumbling)

good work bro

[VanHalener]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
Why don't you clean the whole house from top to bottom

Another bathroom down.
Guest room and bath, too Chill area clean.

[VanHalener]

Originally posted by smaz
Using whatever objects are suitable, create a collage of any of the classic VH albums on your garage door or driveway

Something simple coming right up.
In the mean time...
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[smaz]

Originally posted by vanhalener
Something simple coming right up.

Placing your VH CD's on the drive doesn't count....

[VanHalener]

Originally posted by Dan
And Fill The Fridge Full of Piss.

I am requesting a waiver on this one: after all, everything consumed from these and various other containers in the fridge will eventually be piss.

[VanHalener]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl

do you normally do the cleaning or does she? or do you share? or hire out?

A lot of people around here hire out.
We share the work. Thanks to my big mouth and your bright idea I am doing all of it by myself.

Spare room vacumed and dusted.

[VanHalener]

Originally posted by smaz
Hmm... Using whatever objects are suitable, create a collage of any of the classic VH albums on your garage door or driveway

Light rain has been falling for a while. This is going to have to do, for now. I might just have to surprise you later with an encore. Here's a couple albums I rescued from a record and tape shop last week sitting in front of the garage door...

[blonddgirl777]

Originally posted by vanhalener

O.K., that's exactly what I was going to ask from you but D.G. beat me to it...
Great job! Just make sure you put a new roll of toilet paper before she gets home... we, girls tend to use a lot more than you do


So now my request to you is (I know it's cheesy but it works!);

When she comes home, wellcome her with a nice bath with lots of bubbles, some candles around it, a nice bottle of wine (or her favorite beverage). Some flowers laid on the bed would be very nice too.

You should be wearing just a towel around your waist and say; "Honey, I missed you sooooo much, let me love ya long time"!



And ho yes... I too, want to see pics. of all that!



Have fun!

[blonddgirl777]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
... a man cleans my house like that and I'll do anything he wants. :p

I'm there with you!

... And they say that women are too demanding

[blonddgirl777]

Originally posted by vanhalener
[B]...

2.5 oz bottle ASTROGLIDE Glycerine& Paraben free

2.35 oz bottle regular Astroglide

2.5 oz bottle JO Premium Personal lubricant.

18 oz bottle Suave Skin Therapy

4 rolls paper towels

1 roll toilet paper ...

Don't go waisting all that "energie" on paper towels...
Wait 'til she comes back home, then you'll be a dog in heat like a volcano ready to explode!

We like that stuff! :p




Unfortunately, there can't be any visual proofs of that

[VanHalener]

Originally posted by blonddgirl777
So now my request to you is (I know it's cheesy but it works!);

When she comes home, welcome her with a nice bath with lots of bubbles, some candles around it, a nice bottle of wine (or her favorite beverage). Some flowers laid on the bed would be very nice too.
You should be wearing just a towel around your waist and say; "Honey, I missed you sooooo much, let me love ya long time"!
And ho yes... I too, want to see pics. of all that!

Have fun!

Alright blonddgirl777, your wish is my command in this thread. You'll just have to wait for a few days for yours, ok? Pictures will be provided of SOME of it.
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[VanHalener]

Come on you Rothtards!

Just a few days left to get your insane requests in. Something cool has to happen here or this gay ass thread is going to get dumped.
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[VanHalener]

I am off to work with hopes that by the time I return someone will have given me another task worthy of the Roth Army.

I'll be waiting...
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[smaz]

Stick all the furniture in your living room to the cieling....

[SparkieD]

Go out and buy your chick a bunch of new sexy lingerie. She'll know you've been thinking about her and you can reap the benefits.

[thome]

Don't listen to these fine women you best get to dirtying the Fukk out of that house !!crap should be everywhere!! beer bottles in the front yard is ok.

You should have dirty burnt, I can't cook stuff ,in the sink.

You should have dirty socks and clothes in the hampers.

The house should smell like cigars and vomit.

You should have bags of chips in the fridge and the beer in the
cabinet you normally keep the chips in.

Don't shave and be in the same threads you were in when she left.

If she comes home to a clean and shine house she will think you and the boys had some Hookers over and your trying to remove the Hooker evidence!!

Or she will think you don't need her and you can handle everything.

Ok you can be saved lets see.....hmmmm?

Ok Have the boys over just before she gets home tell them to turn this house into a frat house, in twenty minutes.

Or you will recieve good brownie points for the clean house it's been a toss up in my world...?

[blonddgirl777]

Originally posted by thome
Don't listen to these fine women you best get to dirtying the Fukk out of that house !!crap should be everywhere!! beer bottles in the front yard is ok.

You should have dirty burnt, I can't cook stuff ,in the sink.

You should have dirty socks and clothes in the hampers.

The house should smell like cigars and vomit.

You should have bags of chips in the fridge and the beer in the
cabinet you normally keep the chips in.

Don't shave and be in the same threads you were in when she left.

If she comes home to a clean and shine house she will think you and the boys had some Hookers over and your trying to remove the Hooker evidence!!

Or she will think you don't need her and you can handle everything.

Ok you can be saved lets see.....hmmmm?

Ok Have the boys over just before she gets home tell them to turn this house into a frat house, in twenty minutes.

Or you will recieve good brownie points for the clean house it's been a toss up in my world...?

Now this is an option... sure!

If and only IF, you want to let her know that you want a divorce

[thome]

Originally posted by blonddgirl777
Now this is an option... sure!

If and only IF, you want to let her know that you want a divorce

Yes, yes, the clean house is better.

She will know how much you care.Bla Bla

We.... us guys -I- need to roll around in the pen a little bit.

When the boss is away.

I think women likes it when we do.

Not every day..... or even twice a week .....lately, not even twice a month.

Ok here is what you do Vh........ get a crystal blue thong, crank up the CVH and be jumping up and down on the bed crankin out some background slide, with a beer bottle, on one of your guitars, with a lampshade on your head.

Make shure the tune is, I'm The One.

Chicks dig it!:eek:






Ok, that's what I would do.
It doesn't work for me, but she loves my Wont Give Up attitude.



I'm not actually dating her anymore .........hmmmmmm.


Better listen to 777 on this one.

[smaz]

Ok here is what you do Vh........ get a crystal blue thong, crank up the CVH and be jumping up and down on the bed crankin out some background slide, with a beer bottle, on one of your guitars, with a lampshade on your head.

Ok, give us the pictures on that one... :O

[blonddgirl777]

Originally posted by thome
Yes, yes, the clean house is better.

She will know how much you care.Bla Bla


Better listen to 777 on this one.

Yyyyep!

[blonddgirl777]

Originally posted by thome
... Ok here is what you do Vh........ get a crystal blue thong, crank up the CVH and be jumping up and down on the bed crankin out some background slide, with a beer bottle, on one of your guitars, with a lampshade on your head.

Make shure the tune is, I'm The One...

Yes, very good idea but tune in "Beautiful Girls" instead (or her own favorite CVH song).

And of course... we need pics of that!

[blonddgirl777]

Originally posted by thome
... We.... us guys -I- need to roll around in the pen a little bit.

When the boss is away.

I think women likes it when we do...

Same for us women... we need to have fun too and I'm not talkin' about a Tupperware party!

But tell me, do men like it when WE do? :p
(My husband does)...

[VanHalener]

Holy shit I have a lot to do now. Good thing I have little time left.

Still working on the house cleaning request. (pictures forthcoming)

I can handle some of the other stuff tonight...
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[blonddgirl777]

Originally posted by vanhalener
Holy shit I have a lot to do now...

Be careful what you ask for... you might just get it!!! :eek:

[Hardrock69]

OK look. Here is what you have to do now. It will take all day, so it will waste some time.

Get a friend to help you. And this had best be done somewhere where people passing by cannot see you.

Also that way you will not have to stay at the jail.


You need the following:

1. You have this already: A Camera

2. A couple of shovels. One for you, one for your friend.

3. A Snorkel. The kind you use for diving.

4. A mountain bike. Preferably one with big knobbly tires.

5. Some alcohol. Spirits are not necessary, but you should preferably drink a six-pack at least.


Step 1: Dig a hole about 2 feet deep, and about 5 feet long, and about 2 feet wide.

Step 2: Put on the snorkel. Oh, you need a face mask too just for kicks. It will add to the visual trip in a weird sort of fashion.

Step 3: Strip butt-naked.

Step 4: Kneel in the hole/trench you have just dug with your friend. Kneel so your butt is in the air, and your face is in the dirt in the bottom of the hole.

WARNING: Be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that your friend is not a homo.

Step 5: Have your friend bury you in the kneeling position like that, so that the only 2 things showing are the snorkel (so you can breathe), and your butt (sticking out of the ground).

Step 6. Have your friend wheel the mountain bike up so the front tire is wedged in your butt crack. and you have to hold the bike upright with your butt.

Step 7: Your friend has to take a bunch of photos for evidence.

WARNING: Ensure you are able to breathe when attemtping this stunt. DO try this home. Of course, only under the stupervision of a qualified drunk.

The author and originator of this written order is not responsible for the failure of anyone attempting this to follow the instructions to the letter, and is not liable for anything occurring as a result of anything, anywhere, anyhow.

Now get to it!

[VanHalener]

Originally posted by Hardrock69
OK look. Here is what you have to do now...

Holy shit man!

Noted. Results may take up to 24 hours.

Please stand by...
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[blonddgirl777]

Originally posted by Hardrock69
... Step 6. Have your friend wheel the mountain bike up so the front tire is wedged in your butt crack. and you have to hold the bike upright with your butt...

Can't wait to see that one!!!