Perhaps I shuld have died the first time, or the second time, or even the third time... Indeed! I have been at death's door so many times now that death could qualify as an ex. It is not that I am suicidal, it is that I am just simply tired of the trauma.

I finally managed to go for the second MRI. I had went once, but I was having no part of going into that small hole. Then I got called to duty to assist the negotiations between The city of Savannah and the Occupation. When I finally made the appointment, I was plenty stoned and had a great escort. My escort had had many MRIs and constantly stated that it (the MRI) nor nothing was going to harm me. When I go in an MRI, I have serious loss of control panic attacks. I know the thoughts are illogical, but the flight or fight kicks in and it is a battle of my will against my physical body. It is almost funny when I am out of the MRI, I worry about attack when I am in there. Indeed, all they (whoever they are) have to do is grab my feet and I am gone!

Anyway, this last MRI I was plenty stoned. 8 mg of Valuim and a .5 mg of kolonipin the night before. I really got to take a look around while MRIing. It was not so bad. And the mirror was kind of cool and thoughtful.

Anyway, my doc called and said to come in to discuss the results. My sister said that is SOP. And mentioned how annoying it is that you have to go in for results that say nothing. God willing that is true. But, I see her often anyway, she , I think, would have told me if there was no anomaly on my brain.

When I was first "discovered" by Doctor D he asked me to ... no told me to go to the mayo clinic. Maybe it is time for that. When he asked me, I was not able, we did not realize how much memory I had lost. And I could not have socially or cognitively preformed such a feat. but maybe it is time.


I have had enough time that I have though about if I am doing my death march... and have thought ... aren't we all doing our death march.... What I would like to do and what I can do....If I found out it was indeed a death march.

I really have wanted to shut down until the results, I don't want to address it I have tried to sleep through, but I can't I want to do things... I have the Occupation. I have George with his TBI, I have the Hallmark company abusing elders, I have the PD ... etc..

Indeed, just indeed. If I was a dead man, I might like to just go wandering, but I am so dependent on the b12, I can't get away from a doctor that knows me.

You know, I wanted to walk the Appalachian trial after graduation.

Well... it will go one of two ways, either I have an anomaly or not. Either way, it is no big deal, I suppose, cause I been here before.

I do not wish for a more complicated life. I hope my doctor will make a fool of me. I pray.