Joke thread

[Coyote]

Richard Pryor would've made a great president...

[ELVIS]

how 'bout this one ??

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux took a trip to Scotland and walked into a pub, and after several hours of steady drinking, they witnessed a Scot who suddenly fell backwards off of the barstool and onto the floor, passed out cold, kilt over his head, and a Steel Panther backstage pass rammed up his arse. Boudreaux looks at Thib, looks up at the bartender, and remarks, "Dat's what I like about dem Scots. Dey knows when dey done had enough to drink."

[Nickdfresh]

A better version?

Making it racist and then removing the thing that makes the joke work, the licking balls part, did not make it better - you ruined it completely.

Elvis is a gentleman when regaling his sexual conquests...

[Jérôme Frenchise]

[Fairwrning]

Whats the difference between a blow job and a corvette?

Your mother didnt give me a corvette.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Two very uptight chicks are talking about their deep wish and pride of never ever having sex.
One of them is obviously pregnant, so the other goes:

Bertha: I thought you would never have sex just like I never will?

Margaret: I've found a doctor who can help you get pregnant without having to.
He is repellently ugly, but very efficient - just look at me...

Bertha: Oh, really? Give me his address, I must try!

So Bertha gets an appointment with that doctor, who is very ugly indeed.

Doc: So, are you sure you want to have a baby?

Bertha: Absolutely. I've always wanted to be a mother,
but could never bear the idea of succumbing to flesh...

Doc: I have what you need. Are you attracted to men
anyway? Do you have any ideal of man?

Bertha: Oh, sure! I'm fond of Brad Pitt.

Doc: All right. Take this pill and think really hard about Brad Pitt.

Then Bertha collapses, and the doctor rushes to abuse her like a beast:

Doc: I'll give you some Brad Pitt, I'll give you some uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh...

[Angel]

Newflash...Jokes are supposed to be funny...rape is not funny.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Newflash...Jokes are supposed to be funny...rape is not funny.

It is not. But it can be, when imaginary in a joke, can't it?

[Angel]

It is not. But it can be, when imaginary in a joke, can't it?

No. Never.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

The scene takes place in a Buddhist temple.

Disciple : Master, could you teach me the difference between a woman and a pearl?

Master : The difference, humble little beetle, is that you can slip into a pearl at both ends, whereas you can only slip into a woman at one..

Disciple (confuzed) : But, Master, shame on me to contradict your Himalayan wisdom, but I heard some women let themselves slip into at both ends...

Master (slightly smiling back): Those aren't women, they're pearls.

[vandeleur]

I stole this but it made me think of here

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’

[vandeleur]

Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.

2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.

3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.

4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.

5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.

6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.

7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.

8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.

9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

[Seshmeister]

Joke thread

#1 won

[VAiN]

The thing about #1 - it sucks.

[Seshmeister]