Joke thread

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who

talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling

the young officer that she had to get there before

she forgot where she was going?

[rocknrolldork]

A man and his wife were watching a psychology tv show about the phenomenon of mixed emotions. When the show was over the man said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I don't think there is anything anyone can say that would make me feel happy and sad at the same time." The wife replied, "Out of all your friends dear, you have the biggest penis."

[PETE'S BROTHER]

The Dodge City, KS Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Arkansas River bed near the 14th Street Bridge. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently died of excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and an Obama for President in 2008 t-shirt.. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care

[PETE'S BROTHER]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I.. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said,
'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said,
'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

TELL

[ace diamond]

How many Musicians does it take to change a light bulb?






















20!
1 to change it and 19 on the guest list!

[ace diamond]

What do you call a lesbian night club in Alaska?


































A Klondike Bar!

[ace diamond]

How does Sinead O'Connor part her hair?



















































































She Squats!

[PETE'S BROTHER]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and
whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, right?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[diamondsgirl]

President Obama decided to do one of his public addresses against the backdrop of an American farm, but the ceremony couldn't get started because of all the flies buzzing around his head. Obama demanded to know why the flies wouldn't leave, so the farmer explained to him, "Well, those are called circle flies. They always circle around the back end of horses." Obama angrily replied, "Hey, are you saying that I'm a horse's ass?" The farmer answered, "No Sir, Mister President. I would never call someone a horse's ass. It's hard to fool them flies though."

[PETE'S BROTHER]

[ATTACH]2547[/ATTACH]

.

[HarrySchwartz]

Why did the woman have 2 black eyes?


She said no twice!!

[HarrySchwartz]

Blonde Jokes

Q:What do you call one blonde blowing into another blondes ear?

A: Data Transfer!

Q:How does a blonde kill a fish?

A:She drowns it.

Q:How does a blonde kill a worm?

A:She burys it

Q:How does a blonde kill a bird?

A:She throws it of a cliff

[HarrySchwartz]

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

[Candy Girl]

Why did the woman have 2 black eyes?


She said no twice!!

What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? You threaten to punch her.

[Anonymous]

An Army general, a Marine general and an Air Force general were debating with a Navy admiral about which soldiers were bravest.

The Air Force general called over an airman and said, "Airman! Climb that flagpole and, once you're at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder' and then jump off!" "Yes, sir!" yelled the airman. He scaled the flagpole like a shot, sang the anthem at the top of his lungs, saluted, jumped off and hit the ground standing at attention. "Now that's bravery!" said the general.

"That's nothing," said the admiral. "Seaman! Take this weapon, scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top at attention, present arms, sing 'Anchors Aweigh,' salute us, and jump off." "Yes, sir!" shouted the seaman. He completed all the tasks perfectly. "Now that's bravery!" said the admiral.

"That's nothing," snorted the Army general. "Private! Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack full of rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down head first." "Yes, sir!" shouted the private and easily completed the task. "Now that's bravery!"

They all looked at the Marine. "Private, put on full combat gear, put pit bulls in your pack, climb that flagpole using only one hand, at the top sing 'The Halls of Montezuma,' put your knife in your teeth and dive off headfirst." The private snapped to attention, looked at his general and shouted, "F*¢k you, sir!" The Marine turned to the others and said, "See? Now that is bravery!"

Cheers! :bottle: