Joke thread

**Matt White** · 12-13-2006, 11:29 PM

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

**Douglas T.** · 12-14-2006, 10:07 PM

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over,
and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", asked the mortician.
Yup, I never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. every
time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

**blonddgirl777** · 12-19-2006, 08:04 PM

A 6 year-old & 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year-old continues, when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with "hell" and you say something with "ass". The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen & asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old & asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

**Bob_R** · 12-24-2006, 12:55 PM

NEW RULE!

Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S.
>> Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of
>> the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request
>> before they were beheaded
>> Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of
>> hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and
>> returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die
>> content."
>>
>> Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O
>> Canada" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied
>> the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag
>> Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could
>> now die peacefully.
>>
>> Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
>> tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
>> Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till
>> the end."
>>
>> The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
>> Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
>>
>> The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your
>> final wish?"
>>
>> "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
>>
>> "What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
>>
>> "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
>> Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the
>> ass.
>>
>> The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
>> pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the
>> resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine
>> and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were
>> either dead or fleeing for their lives.
>>
As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked
>> him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask
>> them to kick you in the ass first?"
>>
>> "What," replied the Marine, "and have you three Assholes report that
>> I was the aggressor?

**VanHalener** · 12-25-2006, 07:49 PM

WHY DID TIGGER LOOK IN THE TOILET?

HE WAS SEARCHING FOR POOH!

**Bob_R** · 12-30-2006, 12:33 AM

Dubya Quotes
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush

**VanHalener** · 01-07-2007, 11:51 PM

**Sammy Who??** · 01-14-2007, 12:06 PM

what do you call 10 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

a good start!

**VanHalener** · 01-19-2007, 03:13 AM

**LookN4AMootBeat** · 01-22-2007, 11:25 PM

What did Elvis say to the landscaper when he was finished working in the flower beds?

"uhh, thankyuh......uhh, thankyuh-fo-thuh-mulch.."

**vh rides again** · 01-24-2007, 05:31 PM

bush joke

vice president chaney says to president bush, hey the brazilians have just donated a 100 brazilians to the war on terror.

the presidents reply is, how much is a brazillion?.

**Bob_R** · 01-29-2007, 10:56 PM

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,

"Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.

God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

**Bob_R** · 02-17-2007, 08:22 PM

What gets longer when pulled................ Fits between your tits..............Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked........................

scroll down to find the answer......

A SEAT BELT you pervert!!!

**diamondsgirl** · 02-20-2007, 02:04 PM

Originally posted by EVH FANATIC
What gets longer when pulled................ Fits between your tits..............Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked........................

Is it getting hot in here??

**diamondsgirl** · 02-20-2007, 02:06 PM

OVER-SENSITIVE WOMEN

It is important for men t o remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the
same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the
situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early
retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie
to get a full-time job along with her part time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was
beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the
golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before
she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I
tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in
the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not
reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when
I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner. I do what
I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I
know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to
find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way
she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunc h completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to
think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not
to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as
she is making one for herself, she may as well make
one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as
they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a
little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.....

Signed, Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly last week.
The police report says that he was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf
club rammed up his ass with only 2 inches of
grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and
charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury
found her NOT GUILTY, accepting her story that he
accidentally sat down on it.

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