Joke thread

[thefive]

What is the definition of a liberal?






A person who hasn't been mugged yet.

[Jano]

What's the difference between Sammy and a french poodle?
-Both have the same haircutt but only the poodle can lick his nuts!

[DavidLeeNatra]

diamond david lee roth comes to heaven and an angel shows him his clowd where he would live from now on. it's a very huge and luxury clowd with several rooms, pool, sauna, carport with a ferrari GTO spider... just everything you could whish for... dave thinks "great" enters the bedroom an there is the ugliest woman sitting on his bed you could imagine...dave gets back to the angel kindly saying someting like "well, there must be a little mistake here..."
"no" replies the angel, "you've had a very sinful life and now you have to pay for your sins"
dave takes the woman into the ferrari to drive around (just to have her out of the bedroom) and there comes a mercedes with the most beautyful women you could imagíne...and near that hot chicks sits...sammy hagar...smiling at dave...
dave angrily rushes back to the angel and says "what the fuck...I get this bitch here to pay for my sins and sam hagar gets this hot stuff???"
"well" the angel replies "SHE has to pay for her sins, too..."

[DavidLeeNatra]

hey...was that the ultimate joke ???

[Bob_R]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and
began designing and building improvements. After a
while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning,
escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
there's no telling what this engineer is going to come
up with next."

God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the
first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on
the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll
sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just
where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[S.P.G]

Elton john goes to a tattooist and says:
'I'd like a car tattooed on my cock!'

Tattooist looks confused and replies:
'Well, what kind of car would you like? a convertible? a hatch back?'

Elton replies:
'better make it a 4x4
cos its got a lot of shit to get through'

[secrets]

How come there aren't any lines painted on the road outside Elton John's house?


Well, would you want to bend over to paint them?

[secrets]

A man goes to see his Doctor because he has a problem with his sight.

The first thing the Doctor says to him is, "You'll have to stop masturbating!"

"Why?" says the man. "Will it make me go blind?"

"No." says the Doctor. "But you're upsetting alot of the people in the waiting room."

[Rubnose]

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crummy!!!!

Bwaaaa-haaaa-haaaaa!!!!!!

Oh. Never mind.

[Bob_R]

Subject: Three men and their wives

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their
new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Missouri. He bragged that he
had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house clean all
that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from West Virginia . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told his buddies that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day,his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a woman from New York. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see
anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye.

[lms]

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, "Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," he says "if ones shot the others would fly away." "Actually", said the teacher "the answer was two, but I like the way you think." The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, "Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?" "Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?", the teacher asks" "Actually" said Timmy " it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think".

[Bob_R]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady,was nervous
so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them in to
boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five
minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst
out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

[secrets]

A young manager who has little experience, is told by his superiors that the company needs to make some cut backs, in other words he needs to lay off one member of staff. He has two people in mind, since they are both new members of staff; Jack an office clerk and Sarah who is a part-time secretary. He decides whichever one of them comes in first that morning will be told the bad news. As it happens, on that morning it's Sarah who comes in first and the manager asks her to come into his office.

"Sarah I have something I have to say to you." He says nervously "And this is quite difficult for me, because I've never done this before. But.....I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

"Well if you don't mind" She says, "I'd rather you jacked off because I have a headache."

[Dan]

What worse than finding a worm in your apple,A vein in your hotdog.

[Bob_R]

"Wisdom has 2 parts: 1) having a lot to say, and 2) not saying it"


The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by
the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to
know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The fucking funeral director," said his wife.