Joke thread

[DLRdelight!]

Hahahaa some real funny pictures

[SweetSecrets]

SWEET SECRET'S DIRTY JOKE:

Cinderella is a whore. She is totally screwing like every guy in the village.

Her fairy god mother is continuously telling her to quit being so promiscuous, but Cinderalla simply fails to do as her fairy god mother says. Instead, she just keeps screwing every man in the village.

Finally, one day, the fairy god mother floats down to warn Cinderalla for the last time that she must stop this! She says, "You are suppossed to be a humble and innocent girl awaiting her prince, not some slut who deliberately bends over so that everyone can see what floors and whose floors she's scrubbing!"

Once again, however, Cinderella refuses to deny her sexual addictions. This time, the fairy god mother floats down to her and says, "All right! That's it!" Then, with the wave of her wand, she turns Cinderella's pussy into a pumpkin!

Following the new vegtebalized sex change, Cinderalla was so depressed. She was the epitomy of "sexually frustrated"! She couldn't even get herself off because she didn't even know where to start! Her pussy was just this big orange pumpkin!

She moped around the village for months, sadly having to turn down the local townsmen's offers.

The fairy god mother was so happy! Finally she was starting to straighten Cinderalla out!

Well everything seemed to be working out perfectly as the fairy god mother planned....until....

she floated down one day to visit Cinderalla, and Cinderalla was acting very giddy and smiley. The fairy god mother hadn't seen Cinderalla act that way since before her pussy had been transformed into a pumpkin.

The fairy god mother asked, "Why on earth could you be so happy all of a sudden? I mean, you have a pumpkin for a pussy!"

Cinderalla replied, "Oh!! It is just so wonderful! I met this really great guy! His name is Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater!"

[Ally_Kat]

Neutron: I lost an electron.

Detective: Are you sure?

Neutron: I'm positive.

[Panamark]

Originally posted by SweetSecrets
SWEET SECRET'S DIRTY JOKE:

Cinderella is a whore. She is totally screwing like every guy in the village.

Her fairy god mother is continuously telling her to quit being so promiscuous, but Cinderalla simply fails to do as her fairy god mother says. Instead, she just keeps screwing every man in the village.

Finally, one day, the fairy god mother floats down to warn Cinderalla for the last time that she must stop this! She says, "You are suppossed to be a humble and innocent girl awaiting her prince, not some slut who deliberately bends over so that everyone can see what floors and whose floors she's scrubbing!"

Once again, however, Cinderella refuses to deny her sexual addictions. This time, the fairy god mother floats down to her and says, "All right! That's it!" Then, with the wave of her wand, she turns Cinderella's pussy into a pumpkin!

Following the new vegtebalized sex change, Cinderalla was so depressed. She was the epitomy of "sexually frustrated"! She couldn't even get herself off because she didn't even know where to start! Her pussy was just this big orange pumpkin!

She moped around the village for months, sadly having to turn down the local townsmen's offers.

The fairy god mother was so happy! Finally she was starting to straighten Cinderalla out!

Well everything seemed to be working out perfectly as the fairy god mother planned....until....

she floated down one day to visit Cinderalla, and Cinderalla was acting very giddy and smiley. The fairy god mother hadn't seen Cinderalla act that way since before her pussy had been transformed into a pumpkin.

The fairy god mother asked, "Why on earth could you be so happy all of a sudden? I mean, you have a pumpkin for a pussy!"

Cinderalla replied, "Oh!! It is just so wonderful! I met this really great guy! His name is Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater!"

What a relationship !!!

Perfect, If I recall the other rythme, wasnt it,

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater,
Had a wife but couldnt eat her ?

Sounds like win-win all around to me

[lms2]

Okay, its not a nursery rhyme, but its the best I could find...

Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When i think of you
I get horny,
Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
when you kiss me,
dont be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!

[Ozzy Fudd]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving. Satan walked up to the man
and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the
man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still
not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little
perturbed, Satan asked, "Wh! y aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Ozzy Fudd]

Blonde enters a store that sell curtains.
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair
of pink curtains".

The salesman assured her that they had a large
selection of pink curtains. He showed her several
patterns, but the blond seemed to be having a hard
time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink
floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
The blond replies "fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds
very small, what room are they for?"
The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they
are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman
replies, "but, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo........ I've got
Windows!!!"

[Ozzy Fudd]

Subject: Misunderstanding -
>A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over
>
>his mouth. A young nurse appears to wash his hands and feet.
>
>"Nurse...", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
>
>Embarrassed, the young nurse replies: "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
>your hands and feet."
>
>He struggles again and asks the nurse again:"are my testicles black?"
>Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one
>hand and his testicles in the other, takes a close look and says there's
>nothing wrong with them.....
>"Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies: "That was very nice
>what you just did......but please...... for the last time......
>
>Are-my-test-results-back ! ! ! ?"

[lms2]

Following a particulary stressful morning routine, a young man and his beautiful wife finally found a moments peace on the elevator when leaving for work. The young man looks into his wife's eyes, and smiles sweetly. TGIF. The wife just glares at him. SHIT. Awww honey, lighten up, TGIF, he says, smiling again. No, SHIT, she insists. He says, but honey, Thank God Its Friday! No, she insists, Sorry Honey, Its Thursday.

Ever have one of them days?

[Ozzy Fudd]

Originally posted by lms2
Following a particulary stressful morning routine, a young man and his beautiful wife finally found a moments peace on the elevator when leaving for work. The young man looks into his wife's eyes, and smiles sweetly. TGIF. The wife just glares at him. SHIT. Awww honey, lighten up, TGIF, he says, smiling again. No, SHIT, she insists. He says, but honey, Thank God Its Friday! No, she insists, Sorry Honey, Its Thursday.

Ever have one of them days?

i'm gonna copy this and put it on my computer at work this is a good one

[Bob_R]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said....."I would have gotten out today."

[DrGrafenberg]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

[lms2]

There was three nuns who died and went to purgatory(between heaven and hell). Then ST. Peter went up to them and said, "before any of you can enter heaven you must answer one question".

So ST. Peter went to the first nun and asked, "how long did it take for God to create the world?" the nun replied, "seven days". So there was bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter heaven".

Then ST. Peter ask the second nun, "who were the first man and woman"? the nun replied, "Adam & Eve". so there was bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter heaven".

Then he asked the third nun, "what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" and the nun said, "oh my that's really hard", then there was bells ringing and fireworks

[lms2]

The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

[diamondsgirl]

Why do men pee standing up?


God was just about done creating man, but he had two
things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was
wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It
seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went
like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over
the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote
his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he
could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with
delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck
with the last thing I have left.

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains", said God.