Joke thread

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Originally posted by Jérome from Fra
There was a cuisine contest last week-end, consisting in answering to questions about recipes. I was a bit "forced" to take part in it. I don't know too much about cooking, but I was damned lucky because I made no mistake. This feat owed me the top prize: my weight in olive oil, plus... 20 euros a day! Ain't that luck, 20 euros per day...

Then, anybody will ask: "How long?!"

And I'll answer: "Till the day I shit the mayo!"

[lms2]

Between 6:30 and 6:45
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred
out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude.
If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

[Shaun Ponsonby]

This guy goes to the pub (or bar if you are american) and has 13 or 14 pints. He stands up to walk home, but he fell flat on his face. So, he tries again, but to the same result. So, he tries plan B, and that is to crawl outside. He does this because he thinks some fresh-air would sober him up. Once outside, he tries once again to stand up, but once again he falls flat on his face. He then decides that the only way he will get home is if he crawls. So, sure enough, he crawls 5 or 6 blocks home, feeling much embarrasment when spotted by pedestrians. He finally gets home and tries one last time to stand up, but, as you have probably guessed, he falls straight back down. So, he bangs the bottom of the door, and his wife opens up, and he crawls indoors and into his bed, where he sleeps all night.

Next morning, his wife wakes him up;

"You were drinking again last night, weren't you?" she says.

"No", he replies, "what makes you say that?"

"The landlord called-you left your wheelchair in the pub again."

[lms2]

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."

[Carmine]

Originally posted by Shaun Ponsonby
This guy goes to the pub (or bar if you are american) and has 13 or 14 pints. He stands up to walk home, but he fell flat on his face. So, he tries again, but to the same result. So, he tries plan B, and that is to crawl outside. He does this because he thinks some fresh-air would sober him up. Once outside, he tries once again to stand up, but once again he falls flat on his face. He then decides that the only way he will get home is if he crawls. So, sure enough, he crawls 5 or 6 blocks home, feeling much embarrasment when spotted by pedestrians. He finally gets home and tries one last time to stand up, but, as you have probably guessed, he falls straight back down. So, he bangs the bottom of the door, and his wife opens up, and he crawls indoors and into his bed, where he sleeps all night.

Next morning, his wife wakes him up;

"You were drinking again last night, weren't you?" she says.

"No", he replies, "what makes you say that?"

"The landlord called-you left your wheelchair in the pub again."

LMAO!

[Roguesgirl]

The family of a gravely ill patient has a meeting with his doctor.
The doctor informs them that they will need to perform an emergency brain transplant.
The family finds out that their insurance will not cover the procedure. They ask the doctor what their options are.
He tells them that they have two choices. They can put in a male brain or a female brain. He continues by giving them the cost of each. The male brain is $15,000, while the female brain is only $7,500.
As the family begins discussing the options, the little sister of the patient tugs on the doctors coat and asks "why does the female brain cost less than the male brain?"

The doctor explains "we discount the female brains because they've been used."

[Shaun Ponsonby]

Three builders are having their lunch. They get out their sandwhiches and looked in horror. One of them says;

"Fucking hell, fucking cheese butties again. I am sick of cheese butties."

Another replies, "Yes, so am I."

The other, "Do you know what? I am so sick of cheese sandwiches that I could kill myself."

The first builder has an idea, "If I get cheese butties tommorrow, then I am going to throw myself off the scafholding,"

The second: "So will I."

The Third,"Yes, me too"

Then, after eating their lunch, the three of them went round the local.

And so it came to the next days lunch break. The third builder nervously looked to see what was on his butties, to find that they were ham. Relieved, he quickly ate his sandwhiches and went round the local.

The second builder opened up his sandwiches to find that they were jam. He ate them, and went round the local.

However, when it came to the first builders butties, he found that they were cheese again. He ate them and, as promised, threw himself off the scafholding. The other two returned from the local and looked at their workmates dead body.

When they attended the man's funeral, the widow asked,

"Why? Why did he do it? You must know something?"

The two looked at each other nervously. Finally, one of them said,

"OK, we are sorry to have to tell you this, and it is really stupid, and you'll probably feel guilty about it because you did his lunch for him, but he had cheese sandwiches every day for 5 years, and one day he said, 'if I get cheese butties tommorrow, I'm going to kill myself,' and you know that he was a man of his word, and the next day, he had cheese butties, so, he killed himself"

"Stupid bastard, he made his own butties"

[UGS]

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?
















No dental records, and all the DNA is the fuckin' same!

[Anonymous]

The newlyweds checked into the honeymoon suite, but the next morning came down to breakfast separately and immediately started arguing. After the wife left, the man asked the hotel manager if he could check out early because his new wife had left him. The manager asked, "What's wrong? Didn't you have a good time last night?" The man replied, "Oh, last night was the best night of my life." "Then why did she leave?" He replied, "I had it with the maid!"

The exhausted blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doc, the neighborhood dogs bark all night. I can't get a wink of sleep." The doctor examined her and found her some samples. "These new sleeping pills work great. A few of these and your troubles will be over." "Great," said the blonde. "I'll try anything!" The next week, she returned, looking even worse. "Doc, your plan stinks. I'm more tired than I was before!" "I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "Maybe so, but now I spend all night chasing those dogs and even when I finally catch one, I can't get him to swallow those pills!"

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Originally posted by ImapusSylicker
"Maybe so, but now I spend all night chasing those dogs and even when I finally catch one, I can't get him to swallow those pills!"

A pretty good one.

I'm afraid everybody knows the following one, but...

It all happens in the Canadian Far North, in autumn. Pierre Petit Pierre (which means "Peter Shortpeter") is sawing timber in a wood for the next winter. Sitting on a tree trunk like on the day Pierre started working, smoking his pipe quietly, an old wise Indian repeats: "Winter be harsh!"
Pierre Petitpierre thinks to himself again: "This man knows how the weather goes in the area, he must be right. Let's fell more timber. I'm gonna gather twice as much as I intended to. That'll do, I reckon. Let's work for one more month!"
Then, Pierre works on and on, getting more exhausted every day. And the big chief is always there, sitting and watching him, always saying:
"Winter be very harsh!"
One day, in the end of fall, as the wise man had just said "Winter be very, very harsh", Pierre has suddenly had enough. He walks towards the old chief and asks him, most irritated:
"What the fuck tells you that next winter's gonna be tough!!?? You tell me!"
Then the old Indian, full of dignity, calmly says:
"Winter be very harsh. White man felling lots timber."

[Anonymous]

Thanks Jérôme.

I was so naïve as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Two priests headed for the showers late one night, but after undressing, they realized there was no soap. Father John volunteered to return to his room to get some, and, since it was so late at night, didn't bother to dress. He grabbed two bars, but halfway back to the shower, heard some nuns coming around a corner. With nowhere to hide, he ducked into a niche and stood absolutely still, posing like a statue. The three nuns stopped and commented on how lifelike this new sculpture looked. One tentatively reached over and pulled on the "sculpture's" penis. Startled, Father John dropped a bar of soap. "Look," said the nun. "It's not just a sculpture, it's a soap dispenser!" To test her theory, the second nun pulled next. Playing along, Father John dropped the other bar of soap. Now the third nun wanted a turn. She pulled several times but nothing happened, so she kept pulling until she suddenly shouted, "Saints be praised, girls! It also dispenses hand lotion!"

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Originally posted by ImapusSylicker
Thanks Jérôme.

I was so naïve as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Two priests headed for the showers late one night, but after undressing, they realized there was no soap. Father John volunteered to return to his room to get some, and, since it was so late at night, didn't bother to dress. He grabbed two bars, but halfway back to the shower, heard some nuns coming around a corner. With nowhere to hide, he ducked into a niche and stood absolutely still, posing like a statue. The three nuns stopped and commented on how lifelike this new sculpture looked. One tentatively reached over and pulled on the "sculpture's" penis. Startled, Father John dropped a bar of soap. "Look," said the nun. "It's not just a sculpture, it's a soap dispenser!" To test her theory, the second nun pulled next. Playing along, Father John dropped the other bar of soap. Now the third nun wanted a turn. She pulled several times but nothing happened, so she kept pulling until she suddenly shouted, "Saints be praised, girls! It also dispenses hand lotion!"

A great, great one! Thumbs up!

[Shaun Ponsonby]

I was watching this film on pirate video (remember those?-they were out before DVD) the other night, it was called 'Constipated'. You wouldn't have seen it, because it hasn't come out yet.

[Anonymous]

Two young college students had just finished having sex when the girl murmured, "I finally did it. I'm no longer a virgin." He looked surprised. "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," she explained, "I swore I'd wait to lose my virginity until I was with the man I love." Astounded, the guy replied, "So you really do love me?" "Oh, hell no!" she said. "I just got tired of waiting!"

A Swiss man needed directions, so he pulled up to a bus stop where two Americans were waiting. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he asked. The two Americans just stared at him. "Entschuldigung, koennen sie Deutsch sprechen?" he tried. The two continued to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Español?" Nothing. The man drove off in disgust. One American turned to the other and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" said the other. "That guy knew four and it didn't help him at all!"

[Anonymous]

The first one's good, but the second's killer. Looks like Ladies' Night in Buffalo.

Attending her first wedding, the little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed all in white?" Her mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this and then said, "So why is the groom dressed all in black?"

Ralph Wilson assembled the perfect Buffalo Bills football team, except for quarterback. He scouted every college, the Canadian and European leagues, everywhere... but he couldn't land the right guy to guarantee a Super Bowl win. Then he saw a report from Iraq in which a young Iraqi with an incredible arm threw a hand grenade into a 15th story window over a hundred yards away. Bullseye! He threw another grenade 75 yards right down a chimney. Bullseye! Then he threw another through the open window of a car driving past him at 100 mph. Bullseye! Wilson shouted, "The perfect arm! I've got to get him!" Eventually he did just that, brought him to the States, taught him football, and that year the Bills won the Super Bowl. The young Iraqi soldier was named MVP. After the game, he called his mother. "I don't want to talk to you," she snapped. "You deserted us. Right now, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. The election was a joke. Your brothers were nearly beaten to death last week. I keep your sister at home so she doesn't get raped!" His mother paused and then tearfully added, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Buffalo!"

Cheers! :bottle: