Joke thread

[LoungeMachine]

The National Traffic Safety Board decided to install "black boxes" in a sampling of cars across the nation.

Those cars which were in an accident were studied.


In every State the car's driver's LAST WORDS were "oh shit" or "fuck!!!"


Except in Montana




There, the most used LAST WORDS were..........











Here, hold my beer and watch this........

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Nice ones!

Here's a true story.

Last September, within the first weeks of the current schoolyear, I had a weekday party with friends. A tough one.
The day after, I got up at 6, no need to explain how hard it was... I drove the 40 fucking miles to the high school where I teach (English ), saw a few colleagues, socialized a little, and went to my classroom.
I made the pupils come in, not paying attention they wanted to tell me something... I made them understand I didn't want to talk...

I took the register, called the names, while the pupils were trying to tell me something. After a while, I started getting upset about the fact nobody answered any name... "Are you smart kids doing this on purpose?!"

One of them eventually said: "Sir, we only see you sooner, at 10..." It was 8, and the colleague supposed to have the class was late...
I had been mistaken...
I pleaded that timetables had just changed for every classes, which was right. But that morning I really wasn't on anybody's wavelength...

Morale: don't drink and teach!

[flappo]

i'm stickying this , cos everyone likes a good joke !

look at sammy

everytime he looks in the fucking mirror he must piss himself with laughter

[MAX]

How do you get a witch pregnant ???















































YOU FUCK HER !!!!

[Pope Must Die]

I'm thinking of having a points system for jokes

1 star for a lame one up to 5 stars for a real whizzbang woofo bollocks straining killer of a joke

Well done so far , kiddies , the Pope is most impressed

Must fly , I'm off to shag a choirboy and stick a crucifix up my ass.

[Matt White]

A redneck's last words???










"Hey Fellas! LOOK!"





WHAT do Whales put on their toast???



















"Jellyfish"!

[MAX]

Speaking of whales....................

How do you circumsize a whale ??











































Send down fore-skin divers!!!

[Anonymous]

Cadbury and Merck have combined to create a new mint-flavored birth control pill for women to take just before sex. They call it, "Pre-dick-a-mints."

The octogenarian golfer moved to a new town and joined the local country club. On his first visit to his new club, he had no partner, so the assistant pro took pity on him and said he would play with him. The 80-year-old asked him, "How many strokes do I have to give you?" The young pro was surprised. "Why, none, old man. Shouldn't I be giving some to you?" "I've been playing pretty well lately; my problem is I just can't get out of the danged sand traps." So they agreed to play and the old boy really did play well. By the time they hit the par four, 18th hole, they were even. The pro had a nice drive and was on the green in two. The old man also hit a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a deep bunker beside the green. After slowly making his way down into the sand trip, he hit a sweet high shot that landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie. Match. And all the money! The pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said, "Nice shot. I thought you said you have trouble getting out of sand traps?" The octogenarian replied, "I do. Would you please give me a hand?"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

How is a woman like an insurance policy? Both are expensive, hard to understand, and the results aren't guaranteed!

The American Medical Association has just announced the benefits of giving patients in need of a blood transfusion chicken blood either with, or instead of, human blood. It seems it makes the men cocky and the women lay better!

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. Although he could swim, his fear of alligators made him cling to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber on shore, he shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Naw," replied the old man. "Ain't been none fer years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely to shore. About halfway, he paused to rest and shouted at the same old guy, "So what did they do to get rid of the gators?" "Didn't do nothin'," replied the beachcomber. "Sharks got 'em all!"

The newlyweds were enjoying breakfast in bed. "Honey, tonight we're gonna try something new." "Oh, really? What's left?" "68." "68? What's that?" "That's where you do me and I'll just owe you one!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[academic punk]

What does a redneck say while she's losing her virginity?

"Get offa me, Paw! Yer crushin' muh cigarette!"

[Jurak]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management/sales position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.

[Bob_R]

A man is dating three women and wants to pick one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with The money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest tits. Men are like that, you know.

[ashstralia]

a guy walks into his house with a duck.

he announces 'this is the pig i've been fucking'.

his wife says 'that's not a pig, it's a duck'!

the guy says 'i was talking to the duck'.

[Anonymous]

"Now, son," said the farmer to his new hired hand, "are you sure you know just how long cows should be milked?" "Yep," came the reply. "'Bout the same as short 'uns!"

A doctor spoke to a large audience at a medical convention. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks are all sugar. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets are disastrous. Our drinking water is often impure. But one food causes more grief and suffering than anything else. Does anyone know which food it is?" A voice from the back of the room said softly, "Wedding cake?"

Cheers! :bottle: