Joke thread

[Davidsgrl]

A man goes to his doctor. He is told he has a tapeworm, and that his treatment will start next week on Tuesday. So, the man goes in. On a tray there is a cookie, an apple and a carrot. The doctor comes in, and tells the man to drop his pants. The doctor shoves the cookie, the apple and the carrot up the man's butt. The man comes in the next week, and the same procedure transgresses. The man starts to wonder if his doctor is a pervert or one of the like, but he still goes in for his third "treatment". This time, however, instead of a cookie, there is a hammer. The doctor comes in, shoves the carrot and the apple up, and stands back. The tapeworm jumps out of the man's mouth and says,"Hey! Where's my cookie?" just before the doctor smashes it with the hammer.

[Ozzy Fudd]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled.
"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she
yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could
only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to
reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No .... it's because you're 25."

[Ally_Kat]

These two muffins are sitting in an oven. The one muffin turns to the other and says, "we better get out of this oven before we get cooked alive!" The other muffin looks at the other and screams, "HOLY SHIT! A talking muffin!"

[Ally_Kat]

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

[Mr Badguy]

Anyone done this yet?

What`s the difference between a wank and an egg?

You can beat an egg!

[Mr Badguy]

What`s the difference between light an hard?

You can get to sleep with a light on.

[Northern Girl]

The dangers of drinking.

http://www.sydes.net/jokes/flash/beer.swf

[Ozzy Fudd]

Why you don't send your wife to Home Depot:



Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Louise
saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob,
the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished,
Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and
it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Louise exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob
went to the back room to find it. From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "
Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

[ashstralia]

a dyslexic walks into a bra.

did you hear about the dyslexic
devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa.

[Big Troubles]

Nice.

[Ozzy Fudd]

-Jay Leno "Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book. I believe the last time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything that's in this book."

-David Letterman "Bill Clinton's book went on sale today at long last. Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, 'I'm meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.'"

-Conan O'Brien "I just read Bill Clinton's book. Hundreds of affairs, thousands of lies, lawsuits, subpoenas and then I got to page two."

-Craig Kilborn "Former President Clinton is everywhere right now. Earlier today Oprah Winfrey asked Bill Clinton if he has talked to Monica Lewinsky since the affair. Clinton responded, 'Are you kidding? I didn't talk to her during the affair.'"

-Conan O'Brien "A thousand people waited in line for an autographed copy of Bill Clinton's book. There was pushing, there was shoving, there was groping and that's just when Bill signed your book."

-Craig Kilborn "I loved it when Bill Clinton told Dan Rather the worst day of his life was the day he told Hillary the truth. Well, of course, it was. The first time you try anything, it's always going to be difficult."

[ashstralia]

'I'm meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.'"

he he he
hahaha

[Ozzy Fudd]

> > Brain Cramps
> >
> > Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
> > Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but
we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
> > --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
> >
> > ``````````````````````````````````
> > "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
> >
> > ```````````
> > "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.
> >
> > `````````````````````````````````````````````````
> > "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
> >
> > `````````````````````````````````````````````
> >
> > "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in
> > the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
> >
> > `````````````````````````````
> >
> > "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents.
> >
> > `````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``
> >
> > "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
> >
> > ````````````````````````````
> >
> > "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark
> >
> > ``````````````````````````````````
> >
> > "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
> >
> > ```````````````````
> > "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
> >
> > ``````````
> >
> > "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?"--Lee Iacocca
> >
> > ```````````
> > "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
> > Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports
analyst.
> >
> > ````````````````````````````````````````````
> > "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
> > --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
> >
> > `````````````````````````````````
> > "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton,
President
> >
> > ``````````````````
> > "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
> > --Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)
> >
> > ````````````````
> > "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
> > --Keppel Enderbery
> >
> > ``````````````````````
> > "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
there is a change in your circumstances."
> > --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
> >
> > ````````````````````````````````````````````
> > "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they
> > go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
> > next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S.
Fowler, FCC Chairman
> >
> > ````````````````````````
> >
> > ....Feeling smarter yet?
> >
> > Send it on to your other brilliant friends,
> > like I am doing!!

[DrGrafenberg]

Fave joke!

A man walks into a bar and spies a beautiful lady sitting at a table, all on her own.
He walks over to her and says, “I don’t half fancy you love! I wouldn’t mind sucking your nipples ‘til they’re red raw!”
With a look of disgust on her face she replies, “My husband is in the toilet and when he comes out he’ll batter you!”
“That don’t scare me,” says the man. “In fact, what I’d like to do to you next is… flip you over on this table and give you one from behind!”
“Ooh you horrible man! When my husband comes back your in for it! He’s a black belt in Karate,” Warns the women.
Not bothered by the news, the man says “What I’d like to do to you next is flip you back over on the table, fill your Fanny full of beer and drink it out with a straw!”
“You pervert!” shouts the women “my husbands gonna kill you!”
The man turns and strolls over to the bar to get a drink.
The husband returns to the table to find his wife in a state of distress.
“What’s the matter? Love” enquires the husband.
“This chap has walked in and said he wouldn’t mind sucking my nipples ‘til they’re red raw!” Explains the wife.
“Which chap? Point him out!” says the husband
“Wait!” she says. “It gets worse, he then said he wants to flip me over on the table and give me one from behind”
“Fucking hell! Hold my jacket, I’ll fucking kill him!” fumes the husband
“Wait” she says. “It gets worse, he then said he wants to flip me back over on the table, fill my Fanny full of beer and drink it out with a straw!”
There is a silent pause and the husband puts his jacket back on and sits down at the table.
“Aren’t you gonna sort him out?” Enquires the wife. To which the husband replies
“Fuck me! I’m not tackling anyone who can drink THAT much!”

[DrGrafenberg]

moral to the story

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word...
She said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house…
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.




Moral: Always keep your condoms in your car!