Joke thread

[RuzDNailz]

This is kinda funny!

Guy is at the bar drinking til he pukes all over his shirt.

Drunk: Fuck! I promised my wife I wouldn't drink tonight! She's gonna kill me for this! Now what am I gonna do?

Bartender: Here, pal I gotta solution for ya. Do you have a 5 dollar bill in your pocket?

Drunk: Yep, right here mac!

Bartender: When you walk in the door, show your wife the 5 dollar bill and tell her that a drunk puked all over your shirt and GAVE you that 5 dollars to get your shirt cleaned. It'll work no problem!

Drunk: Oh, you are a life saver, bub! *hic*

He gets home and gives his wife 2 5-dollar bills!

Drunk's wife: Hey, then why the 2 5 dollar bills? He only got your shirt!
What's with the other 5 bucks?

Drunk: Yeah, well he puked all over my shirt and shit my pants too!

[Bob_R]

The Deaf Bookkeeper and the Attorney:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an
occupational benefit, and why he landed the job in the first place, since
it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10
million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you
don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

[candy]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his
elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man
turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

[candy]

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous
woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting
book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and
Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill.
What's yours?"

"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

[candy]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry
honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[candy]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis
into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[candy]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times," whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal."

[Bob_R]

A Red Indian With One Testicle

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So named
because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone
not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around
and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to
her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
die!

What is the moral of this story? ...


OH, come on .. take a guess!


Think about it







(You're going to love this!)







And the moral is:






You can't kill two birds with one stone!

[Anonymous]

Bitchin' jokes here! I laffed my arse tonite. Candy, EVH Fanatic, RuzDNailz, you guys rock! I'm gonna post 1 or 6 here because of that.

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

Do you know why a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage? Because he's tired of using his own!

A lady lost her purse in a bustling department store. She searched everywhere she had visited, but just couldn't find it. Finally, a little boy approached her and asked, "Ma'am, is this your purse?" Jubilantly, she grabbed the purse and cried, "Yes! Yes, it is! Thank you so much!" Then she looked inside and was suddenly confused. "But how strange... when I lost it, I had only a hundred dollar bill, but now I have five twenties!" The boy replied, "That's because the last time I returned a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

A blonde asked the pet store sales clerk for help. "I want some bird seed," she said. The clerk asked, "For which kind of bird?" She replied, "Whichever will grow the fastest!"

Little Johnny asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not! Where did you hear such nonsense?" Little Johnny answered, "The other day, when Daddy and his friend were working out in the garage he said that he screwed the a$$ off his secretary"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

Saved the best two for the end...

World Shortest Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a man asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No." And he lived happily ever after!

A woman called the phone company to complaint that her telephone sometimes failed to ring, but when it did ring, her dog would moan just before the phone rang. The telephone repairman thought the woman crazy, but he went out anyway, climbed the pole, hooked up his test set, and dialed her house. The phone didn't ring at first, but then the dog started moaning and soon, her phone rang! Eventually the perplexed repairman found: 1) the dog was tied down to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar; 2) the dog had pulled loose the connection to the ground rod; 3) when the phone rang, the dog received the 90 volt signaling current via the chain; 4) after a couple of jolts, the dog started moaning and eventually urinated; 5) the then wet soil completed the circuit, thus causing the woman's phone to ring. He happily told his boss that some problems really can be fixed by pissing and moaning!

Cheers! :bottle:

[canadiandlrgirl]

Originally posted by Imapus Sylicker
A blonde asked the pet store sales clerk for help. "I want some bird seed," she said. The clerk asked, "For which kind of bird?" She replied, "Whichever will grow the fastest!"

Little Johnny asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not! Where did you hear such nonsense?" Little Johnny answered, "The other day, when Daddy and his friend were working out in the garage he said that he screwed the a$$ off his secretary"

Cheers! :bottle:

LMFAO!! that's a good one baby!!

[canadiandlrgirl]

when a woman steels your husband,there is no better revenge then to let her keep him....

[canadiandlrgirl]

A Business man got on an elevator in a building, when he entered the elevator there was a blond woman already inside and she greeted him by saying,"T-G-I-F"(letters only)
He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T"(letters only)
She looked at him puzzled and said "T-G-I-F again
He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T"
The blond was trying to be friendly so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possable "T-G-I-F" another time
The man smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T"
The blond finally decided to explain things,and this time she said
"T-G-I-F, thank goodness it's friday, get it?
the man answered "S-H-I-T" sorry honey it's thursday."