Hilarious Jean-Claude Van Damme's ravings

Collapse
X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 2
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous 1 2 template Next
  • Jérôme Frenchise
    ROTH ARMY SUPREME
    • Nov 2004
    • 7174
    #1

    Hilarious Jean-Claude Van Damme's ravings

    The Belgian actor offers great moments of hilarity to French-speaking TV audiences. Every time he gives interviews, he ends up explaining nutty, meaningless matters. What makes him so hilarious is the fact he seems deeply convinced of all his nonsense, repeating that anybody should be "aware" (in English). I'll try to find some interviews and translate them to show them to you, because it's really worth it, if you like a good, good laugh!
    Meanwhile, I was wondering if he did the same in the USA. If it's the case, please don't fail telling me!
    posted by Ellyllions Men say, "I'll never understand women." That's a very lonely place to be if you're a woman because we don't understand half of what we do either.
    posted by ALinChainz Katy, Pipe down, pump off, and fly back to your cave you old bat.
    Tags: damme, hilarious, jeanclaude, ravings, van
    • Jérôme Frenchise
      ROTH ARMY SUPREME
      • Nov 2004
      • 7174
      #2
      Here are a few howlers for a start. I chose to write the ENGLISH WORDS AND PHRASES he uses in the middle of French sentences in capital letters. I certify these were his very words.

      So, here we go:

      - You look inside yourself and you become AWARE OF YOUR OWN BODY!

      - "Plants for instance, who have no hands, and no ears, they can feel things, vibrations, they are more AWARE than other SPECIES."

      - "A pregnant woman is AWARE as soon as she's expecting a baby."

      - "A REPLICANT, when he's born is PHYSICALLY formed like a 40-year-old guy, but his BRAIN must absorb everything that is around, he must see colors, feel how things are, he is AWARE..."

      - "Be careful, when I speak about envelope, you see, I ain't talking about the envelope you send by the mail. I'm talking about "the" envelope, you see. The one that wraps around everything. Packs of biscuits, cocaine packages, your mind, etc. No, the envelope is something global. But usually only tied to the SPIRIT. Yes, but you'll tell me that a biscuit has'nt got a SPIRIT, it's just a biscuit. But before, it was milk, eggs. And in eggs, there is potential life... Potential life in a shell, an envelope which, itself, was contained in the hen... I'm afraid so... No, really, all this is but a question of AWARENESS... then even if the biscuit is physically different from a bottle of milk, from a hen, the SPIRIT of the milk and the hen subsists in the biscuit. And you can feel it while you're eating it. And sometimes it's good, sometimes it ain't good. That's why I make films with REPLICANTS. To show that sometimes everything is alike physically (the envelope), but the SPIRIT is TOTALLY different. There's the nice guy, the rotten guy... and all this is me. I'm afraid so! And in addition it's really me! For I am an actor! So when I play a role, there's the character, his REPLICANT and me. Therefore, we are two plus one, and that's me. Therefore one. So when there's a nice guy and a mean guy, there's also me with my temper. When you work it out, you get what I am. So, then you've got to integrate all that in the environments, and then it gets complicated. Because when I'm in my Mercedes, I'm a violent ROADER. Or a DEAD DRUNK DRIVER! But during the making of the films I am a REPLICANT, sometimes. So, when I get back on my Mercedes, I'm not a REPLICANT anymore. You mustn't get wrong, you understand?":confused:

      To be continued... A lot mote to come!
      Last edited by Jérôme Frenchise; 01-22-2005, 11:37 PM.
      posted by Ellyllions Men say, "I'll never understand women." That's a very lonely place to be if you're a woman because we don't understand half of what we do either.
      posted by ALinChainz Katy, Pipe down, pump off, and fly back to your cave you old bat.

        Comment

        • Jérôme Frenchise
          ROTH ARMY SUPREME
          • Nov 2004
          • 7174
          #3
          Every time he is a host on a TV show, he really is an event by himself. A few years ago, during a debate on whatever topic live on French TV, Van Damme hadn't spoken a single word, when someone mentioned the word "hazelnut". He went out of his mind for 10 seconds and said, like mad:
          "A hazelnut, I'll break it between my buns!"

          One day, he "declared": "I love peanuts. You'll drink some beer and get fed up with the taste. So, you'll eat peanuts. Peanuts are sweet and salted, hard and tender like a woman. Eating peanuts, It's REALLY A STRONG FEELING. And then, you'll feel like drinking beer again. Peanuts are just perpetual movement for every man.

          About half-Belgian children: "When I see a child who is half-Belgian, half-Viet-Cong, and who is my son, you see..., it's..., it's..., it's, my God, what is it?"

          About water: "Water is something concrete but not concrete. Because water can feed me, but it can also carry me. Water has magical laws. It can hold cargos on the sea, thousands of tons of steel... Water is something that's got many dimensions."

          About drugs: "Drugs, don't mess with it, it's erious... I have messed with it, and I've lost the touch, I had lost the FEELING of life... My BRAIN was head over heels in my head. DRUGS are like when you CLOSE YOUR EYES and cross the street[...]"

          About living in the USA: "You know, in America, they'll always ask you: 'How is your family?', 'How are you?', 'Have you cleaned your teeth?' I'm fed up with those questions, I'm fed up with them!"

          If you folks enjoy this stuff, there's still more to come!
          Last edited by Jérôme Frenchise; 01-23-2005, 12:18 AM.
          posted by Ellyllions Men say, "I'll never understand women." That's a very lonely place to be if you're a woman because we don't understand half of what we do either.
          posted by ALinChainz Katy, Pipe down, pump off, and fly back to your cave you old bat.

            Comment

            • bueno bob
              DIAMOND STATUS
              • Jul 2004
              • 22942
              #4
              I've seen a handful of interviews with him over the years...he really needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut, seriously...the dude has ZERO ability to make his point at all...it's some funny shit, though, dude.
              Twistin' by the pool.

                Comment

                • Jérôme Frenchise
                  ROTH ARMY SUPREME
                  • Nov 2004
                  • 7174
                  #5
                  The guy is like some automatic bullshit generator.
                  Here are a few more:

                  - "A cow will eat 10 acres; with 10 acres, I will make 2 thousand kilos of rice... with 10 acres, I will feed a city like Avignon ,you see..."

                  - "The world is made of arrows and molecules, and electricity, like the Big-bang you see, and the whole of this shapes the Universe."

                  - "You don't have the same perception of time, depends on the SPECIES, it's what enables me to move my hand between you and me like this, because for oxygen, one second may be 10 seconds, and for concreete, one second may be one thousandth of a second..."

                  - "I am fascinated by the air. If you withdrew the air from the sky, every bird would fall down to ground... So would planes... Meanwhile, you can't touch air... it exists or it doesn't exist... it feeds man even if he isn't hungry... IT4S MAGIC... The air is beautifuland though you cannot see it, it's soft and you cannot touch it... The air is a bit like my brain..." (Sure!)
                  posted by Ellyllions Men say, "I'll never understand women." That's a very lonely place to be if you're a woman because we don't understand half of what we do either.
                  posted by ALinChainz Katy, Pipe down, pump off, and fly back to your cave you old bat.

                    Comment

                    • Jérôme Frenchise
                      ROTH ARMY SUPREME
                      • Nov 2004
                      • 7174
                      #6
                      Jean-Claude and quotations:

                      "You know, there's Shakespeare who went saying - I think it's Shakespeare : 'A GREAT MAN IS A MAN WHO CAN WAIT for his opportunity, and grab it in that moment, and keep it.'""
                      Didn't know whether it was Shakespeare or Elton John, I guess...

                      About dogs:

                      "I had a very nice childhood, though. I was raised in the countryside, out of Brussels. And I've always grown up amidst dogs. Animals don't talk too much. They "talk" (with some "FEELING"), but they don't have a language for fears of ours. At the moment I've got a dog by my side. I'm stroking him. He's AWARE..."
                      Beware of the dog. It's "AWARE"!

                      About show-business:

                      "Oh, I don't give a fuck about show-business, people, papers... And since there's this: 'Van Damme is a nice chap. He's kind, he's in top shape...' It's FILM BUSINESS, it's a business that's a little UP AND DOWN. One day, you're beautiful, you're vegetarian, you are 'THE MONK', you "are" health... And if one day you ever scratch your buns or put a finger in your nose, they'll say: 'Look, he's on coke!' Do you understand?"

                      Do YOU understand? Coz if you don't, you're simply not "AWARE"!
                      posted by Ellyllions Men say, "I'll never understand women." That's a very lonely place to be if you're a woman because we don't understand half of what we do either.
                      posted by ALinChainz Katy, Pipe down, pump off, and fly back to your cave you old bat.

                        Comment

                        • turboblues
                          #7
                          Are you "aware" that this thread sucks?

                            Comment

                            • Jérôme Frenchise
                              ROTH ARMY SUPREME
                              • Nov 2004
                              • 7174
                              #8
                              Sure, and this is just how I settled it would be, right from the start. I'm not bashing Belgian people, you know. He may have been French or Swiss, it would have been the same. Besides, I'm from Lille, and Belgium is like my second home. I'm fond of Belgian beers, they're simply the only ones that deserve the name of "beers". And "Belgian jokes" suck, in my opinion. Just a silly French custom...
                              posted by Ellyllions Men say, "I'll never understand women." That's a very lonely place to be if you're a woman because we don't understand half of what we do either.
                              posted by ALinChainz Katy, Pipe down, pump off, and fly back to your cave you old bat.

                                Comment

                                • turboblues
                                  #9
                                  Hey, I don't give a fuck about VanDamme and don't care if he's Belgian! So I wasn't offended! Cheers!

                                    Comment

                                    • Jérôme Frenchise
                                      ROTH ARMY SUPREME
                                      • Nov 2004
                                      • 7174
                                      #10
                                      Originally posted by turboblues
                                      Hey, I don't give a fuck about VanDamme and don't care if he's Belgian! So I wasn't offended! Cheers!
                                      Cheers, mate! I'm having a double-size Ch'ti and I'm drinking to your health! And long live Belgium! Vive la Belgique!
                                      posted by Ellyllions Men say, "I'll never understand women." That's a very lonely place to be if you're a woman because we don't understand half of what we do either.
                                      posted by ALinChainz Katy, Pipe down, pump off, and fly back to your cave you old bat.

                                        Comment

                                        • Mulattothrasher
                                          Full On Cocktard
                                          • Jan 2005
                                          • 37
                                          #11
                                          Hmmm....
                                          .
                                          .
                                          I like his movies, but man, I had no idea he was so "wierd" in interviews and stuff! Hahaha, funny stuff....

                                            Comment

                                            • thepunisher
                                              Roadie
                                              • Jun 2004
                                              • 147
                                              #12
                                              I saw him selling swords on QVC or something and the dude went off on how the sword is life and how there is energy bla bla bla, they cut him off after it was starting to get too weird.
                                              That cat fried his brain up with coke and steroids.
                                              <img src="http://www.nrgservices.com/EBAY/roth.jpg">

                                                Comment

                                                • thepunisher
                                                  Roadie
                                                  • Jun 2004
                                                  • 147
                                                  #13
                                                  Who's got that dancing vandamme gif? that was funny
                                                  <img src="http://www.nrgservices.com/EBAY/roth.jpg">

                                                    Comment

                                                    • Jérôme Frenchise
                                                      ROTH ARMY SUPREME
                                                      • Nov 2004
                                                      • 7174
                                                      #14
                                                      Originally posted by thepunisher
                                                      I saw him selling swords on QVC or something and the dude went off on how the sword is life and how there is energy bla bla bla, they cut him off after it was starting to get too weird.
                                                      That cat fried his brain up with coke and steroids.
                                                      Exactly. Whenever he talks about whatever topic, he ends up in rubbish stuff. Coco and muscle doping have blown his neurones out. But, beyond his nonsense, you'll feel sympathy for him because he's no bad guy at all, he's just definitively lost in his odd world where he can and even HAS TO explain everything after his one "aware" vision...
                                                      posted by Ellyllions Men say, "I'll never understand women." That's a very lonely place to be if you're a woman because we don't understand half of what we do either.
                                                      posted by ALinChainz Katy, Pipe down, pump off, and fly back to your cave you old bat.

                                                        Comment

                                                        • flappo
                                                          Banned
                                                          • Jan 2004
                                                          • 8200
                                                          #15
                                                          haha , i thought it was funny

                                                          go for it !

                                                            Comment

                                                            Previous 1 2 template Next
                                                            Working...