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RUETERS- Aging balladeer Sammy Hagar is known for hits like "WHy can't this be Love" and "Love Walks In", as well as having huge man-breasts, but now he may be known more for something else...... his lust for guitar legend and drunken moron Edward Van Halen! Hagar says he had a new respect for the nearly retarded axeman by the end of their ill fated tour(which played to half empty houses, most of whom were morbidly obese housewives and hobos who were handed free tickets outside the venues). "I signed on to do the tour solely for the money" says Hagar "I mean MY tours were selling out, and my records were selling billions of copies, but I figured, what the fuck?! It was almost like a paid vacation for me and Mike( Anthony, Hagars current jizz bucket , and VH's bassist)."
As the tour progressed Hagar realized something profound. "I never realized Ed was a guitar player! He started playing these things that I vaguely remembered hearing on the radio back in the day. One was called Hot for Teacher or something.........I mean he played them BADLY, but that wasnt the point. The tunes got me SO HOT I had to have Eddie RIGHT THEN AND THERE!" However, during the bands final show(which drew 13 hardcore fan, including Loverboys Mike Reno and Internet legend Lou), Hagar found himself with a little problem. " I was like, hey Ed, where's your cock man? I know Val has your balls in a jar under her bed, but where's the dick at man? All you have is this little mushroom in your pants!" At that point Van Halen flew into a rage, smashing his guitar. And with that the tour ended........
As the tour progressed Hagar realized something profound. "I never realized Ed was a guitar player! He started playing these things that I vaguely remembered hearing on the radio back in the day. One was called Hot for Teacher or something.........I mean he played them BADLY, but that wasnt the point. The tunes got me SO HOT I had to have Eddie RIGHT THEN AND THERE!" However, during the bands final show(which drew 13 hardcore fan, including Loverboys Mike Reno and Internet legend Lou), Hagar found himself with a little problem. " I was like, hey Ed, where's your cock man? I know Val has your balls in a jar under her bed, but where's the dick at man? All you have is this little mushroom in your pants!" At that point Van Halen flew into a rage, smashing his guitar. And with that the tour ended........
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