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VAN-SHAKEUP!!! Wolfgang Van Halen Leaves Group, Says Dad is a “Dick”
From Kim Gordon's Real Age
VAN-SHAKEUP!!! Wolfgang Van Halen Leaves Group, Says Dad is a “Dick”
The reunited classic Van Halen lineup is soldiering on, even after the loss of their newest member, bassist Wolfgang Van Halen.
“I’d had enough. Nobody told me what a pain in the ass it was working with family. My dad was always yelling at me, telling me not to be such a show off. How do you show off on a bass? What-ever. My uncle was even worse. He kept telling me to lose weight and that I was supposed to practice all the time so I could ‘play in the pocket’ or some crap. I don’t even know what ‘the pocket’ means. The whole experience was just terrible. I mean Dave was cool, but that only goes so far and even then he always wanted me to ‘spot’ him during his yoga warm-ups and that could get a little weird.”
People expecting young Wolfgang to start his own group are barking up the wrong tree.
“I kind of realized that I didn’t need to be in a band to be rich and famous. I’m already both. I don’t need to be on a stage with those dicks.”
The remaining members of Van Halen wasted no time finding a replacement for the departing bassist. The group has added King Crimson/ Peter Gabriel bassist, Tony Levin to the group for the album and tour.
“Tony is a consummate professional to the highest degree. He listens when he is spoken to and doesn’t sass back,” says Eddie Van Halen. “He’s really beefed up our sound. We are adding lots of Chapman Stick and his patented ‘Funk Fingers’ to the album. It sounds incredible. Kind of like early Allan Holdsworth stuff. People are going to love it.”
Although Wolfgang is leaving rock and roll behind for the time being, he is staying busy by devoting himself to his newest passion, a signature line of handcrafted liquors.
“I’ve been working with my Uncle Sammy on a delicious tequila blend that will be coming out in March. I hoped to get it out sooner, but I don’t turn twenty-one until then.
The ‘Uncle Sammy’ Wolfgang is referring to is none other than Sammy Hagar.
“Legally, I’m not allowed to use the ‘Van Halen’ name anymore,” says Wolfgang. “We are calling it, ‘Cabo San Bertinelli’s Sparkling Tequila Throat Cooler’. It’s gonna be great.”
Sammy Hagar has also had to deal with a recent lineup change in his own supergroup, Chickenfoot.
Bassist Michael Anthony left the group in hopes of rejoining Van Halen, which did not happen.
“I love Mike like a brother, but leaving Chickenfoot before he sealed the deal with Van Halen is the ‘dick move’ of 2011,” says Sammy Hagar. “Mike is not out of the group for good, but he’s on a six month suspension, so he can have some time to reflect on what he’s done.”
Filling in for Michael Anthony for time being will be legendary actor Ben Gazzara. The 80-year-old actor plays bass saxophone in a side project with Hagar called, ‘Hagazzara”.
“A lot of people knock the bass sax as not being ‘rock and roll’,” says Hagar. “But I’ve seen him in action and that thing is a pussy magnet. Get ready to get ‘blown’ people.”
VAN-SHAKEUP!!! Wolfgang Van Halen Leaves Group, Says Dad is a “Dick”
The reunited classic Van Halen lineup is soldiering on, even after the loss of their newest member, bassist Wolfgang Van Halen.
“I’d had enough. Nobody told me what a pain in the ass it was working with family. My dad was always yelling at me, telling me not to be such a show off. How do you show off on a bass? What-ever. My uncle was even worse. He kept telling me to lose weight and that I was supposed to practice all the time so I could ‘play in the pocket’ or some crap. I don’t even know what ‘the pocket’ means. The whole experience was just terrible. I mean Dave was cool, but that only goes so far and even then he always wanted me to ‘spot’ him during his yoga warm-ups and that could get a little weird.”
People expecting young Wolfgang to start his own group are barking up the wrong tree.
“I kind of realized that I didn’t need to be in a band to be rich and famous. I’m already both. I don’t need to be on a stage with those dicks.”
The remaining members of Van Halen wasted no time finding a replacement for the departing bassist. The group has added King Crimson/ Peter Gabriel bassist, Tony Levin to the group for the album and tour.
“Tony is a consummate professional to the highest degree. He listens when he is spoken to and doesn’t sass back,” says Eddie Van Halen. “He’s really beefed up our sound. We are adding lots of Chapman Stick and his patented ‘Funk Fingers’ to the album. It sounds incredible. Kind of like early Allan Holdsworth stuff. People are going to love it.”
Although Wolfgang is leaving rock and roll behind for the time being, he is staying busy by devoting himself to his newest passion, a signature line of handcrafted liquors.
“I’ve been working with my Uncle Sammy on a delicious tequila blend that will be coming out in March. I hoped to get it out sooner, but I don’t turn twenty-one until then.
The ‘Uncle Sammy’ Wolfgang is referring to is none other than Sammy Hagar.
“Legally, I’m not allowed to use the ‘Van Halen’ name anymore,” says Wolfgang. “We are calling it, ‘Cabo San Bertinelli’s Sparkling Tequila Throat Cooler’. It’s gonna be great.”
Sammy Hagar has also had to deal with a recent lineup change in his own supergroup, Chickenfoot.
Bassist Michael Anthony left the group in hopes of rejoining Van Halen, which did not happen.
“I love Mike like a brother, but leaving Chickenfoot before he sealed the deal with Van Halen is the ‘dick move’ of 2011,” says Sammy Hagar. “Mike is not out of the group for good, but he’s on a six month suspension, so he can have some time to reflect on what he’s done.”
Filling in for Michael Anthony for time being will be legendary actor Ben Gazzara. The 80-year-old actor plays bass saxophone in a side project with Hagar called, ‘Hagazzara”.
“A lot of people knock the bass sax as not being ‘rock and roll’,” says Hagar. “But I’ve seen him in action and that thing is a pussy magnet. Get ready to get ‘blown’ people.”
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