Joke thread

[Rikk]

Originally posted by sambo
A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging".

His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!"

Man says "I was talking to the duck!"

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[diamondsgirl]

Originally posted by sambo
A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging".

His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!"

Man says "I was talking to the duck!"

Just spit my coffee all over my desk!!! LMAO!

[Carmine]

A blonde calls her boyfriend one day and says "hey, I need you to come over right away. I am having a very tough time with my new jigsaw puzzle." The boyfriend says " well whats the problem, and what is the puzzle of? The blonde says " its a puzzle of a tiger, and its very hard, I dont know where to begin!. So the boyfriend goes over to her house, the blonde takes him to the table where the puzzle is laid out. The boyfriend takes a look at the puzzle and says " honey, first off, I dont think we will ever be able to make this look like a tiger". Second, go make yourself a cup of coffee and relax a while, when your through, we can put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!

[WACF]

Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy," he says. "And what is your question, Billy?"


"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.


When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name "Steve, he says" "And what is your question, Steve?"


"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the hell happened to Billy ?

[Ozzy Fudd]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
DICTIONARY
FOR WOMEN'S
PERSONAL ADS:



40-ish..........................................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking..................................Ugly
Beautiful.........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist.........................................F at
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoy ing
New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned...............................No B.J.'s
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Professional...................................Bit ch
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

So thats what She ment When she told me that she is a Old-fashioned
Athletic type Professional who is Emotionally Secure.

[sambo]

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during an orgasm.

[sambo]

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed. The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."

So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex.

When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap-on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin.

Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door. "What's going on?", she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done"

[sambo]

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance & see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fullfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

[sambo]

and now for my 500th post...why not a joke..


A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time....and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year....maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, "Fuck You", and I holler back, "Fuck you too."

[rustoffa]

Why wasn't Jesus born at Cabo Wabo?
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They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

[Antman]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny

How many queers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Queers don't screw they butt fuck

Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with 5 guys?
She came home with a red snapper

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?
A flame thrower

i have tons more but can't think of any right now.

[Antman]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
Seeing as he was the master of jokes...

I get no respect ...

- A tribute to Rodney . (RIP)

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"

"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"

"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother's."

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
.
.
.

The guy cracked me up

One of all time favorite Rodney quotes: "My wife wanted me to make her scream during sex. So I did. I wiped my dick on the curtains."

I used to love his HBO specials, where I heard that one.

[sambo]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

[sambo]

Friends of women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Friends of men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them.

[lms2]

Three guys were sitting in a bar, talking. One was a doctor,
one was a lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini,
the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my
wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't
like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she
will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my
last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the
Bahamas. I figured that if she didn't like the pearls, she would at
least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah?
well, for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator.
I figured that if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go screw
herself."