Joke thread

[rustoffa]

What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Christopher Reeve?

*You supply the punch line*

[Matt White]

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re- booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too.

[Dan]

Joe Thunder.

[Dan]

Van Hagar

[Anonymous]

This one's so good it will be posted apart from any other:

A Greek and an Italian were discussing whose culture was superior. The Greek said, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian replied, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorted, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian nodded agreement, but said, "But we built the Roman Empire." With a flourish of finality the Greek said, "Yeah, but we invented sex!" The Italian thought a moment and then trumped him. "Perhaps, but we Italians introduced it to women!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Dan]

HaHa,Nice one Pussy,Did I tell you guys I'm part Italian?

[Bob_R]

Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday and the
rabbi almost fell down when he saw him.
Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in his life.
After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said:
"Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come
here. What made you come?"

Cohen said, "I got to be honest with you, Rabbi, a
while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really,
really love that hat. I know that Levy had one just like
mine and I knew that Levy came to Services every
Saturday. I also knew that Levy takes off his hat during
Services and he leaves it in the back of the Shull.
So, I was going to leave after the SHMAH and steal
Levi's hat."

The rabbi said: "Well, Cohen, I notice that you didn't
steal Levy's hat. What changed your mind?

Cohen said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten
Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal
Levy's hat."

The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said "After I
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided
you would rather do without your hat than burn in
Hell, right?"

Cohen shook his head and said: "No, Rabbi, after you
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery'
I remembered where I left it."

[Bob_R]

These are real notes written by parents in a Mississippi school
district.

Misspellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, and also the 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He
was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
(diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) ...I give up!...

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wears.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot
to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend
her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent the weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold
and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat. Her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, because her father even got hot last night.

[Phil theStalker]

Dis is so good Joe Rogan wishes he wrote tit:

H-h-here tit gooes:

no, here tit goes:

no here: haha

here;

Q: Wot is da difference between Bill Clinton, Jane Fonda, and GW Bush?

A: Jane Fonda is da only o1ne dat went t2o Vietnam.

think aboot dat o1ne f4or a moment

<marquee direction=left>November 22, 1963</marquee>
we're not just gonna f4orget dat tit happuned dis time no, no, no,noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo





CLEVELAND LOVES JANE FONDA
IT AIN'T OVER YET
Is Jane A Commie T2oDay? huh

[Jurak]

THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL (c)
> >
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened
to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at
the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away .....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "We're down here."

[Phil theStalker]

Originally posted by Jurak
THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL (c)
> >
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened
to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

> > "We're down here."

So men's brains are in their asses.

At leest wee have them (brains).

I've always said mmy high skool girlfrend had o1ne brain cell.

I didn't think anyo1ne else thought like dat.




JANE'S ONE BRAIN CELL COMTEMPLATES TREASON

[Jurak]

Dear Diary
>
>Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so
>beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them
>with snow covering them.
>
>Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have
>turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the
>beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly
>they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love
>it here!
>
>Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone
>wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it
>here!
>
>Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with
>white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off
>the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When
>the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a
>beautiful place. I love Canada!
>
>Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the
>driveway. I love it here.
>
>Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to
>work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow
>plough.
>
>Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my
>hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around
>the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.
>
>Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my
>hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the
>bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the
>fucking ice.
>
>Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except
>for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every
>time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and
>it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of
>the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches
>is?
>
>Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit
>this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got
>stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my
>shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out
>all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one
>over his fucking head.
>
>Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food
>and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000
>damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are
>everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.
>
>May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is
>rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.
>
>May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind
>would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

[Anonymous]

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! That's a classic, Jurak. 5 stars for you!

Cheers! :bottle:

[Phil theStalker]

Originally posted by Imapus Sylicker
Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! That's a classic, Jurak. 5 stars for you!

Cheers! :bottle:

Hey, you live in Portugal, Einstein.

Wot's so funny?

You had tit at your finger tips, butt you lost all the New World.

Now tit belongs t2o rednecks and Canadians laughing all da way t2o da fakking world bank.




<marquee direction=left>

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'm Portuguese... but do you think I give a fuck? I could've been born in Japan, Australia, Morocco... it's all the same to me, Phil.

Cheers! :bottle: