Joke thread

[Anonymous]

Little Johnny watched closely as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," replied his mother, who then began removing the cold cream with a tissue. "What's the matter, Mom?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

While I usually don't dessiminate puns here, today's second joke just struck me in exactly the right way. Besides, with the College of Cardinals set to meet next week, this is about as topical as I get!

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine’s air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches. Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

Cheers! :bottle:

[SoldMySoul4RnR]

What do Princess Di & Pink Floyd have in common????

Both had a big hit with the FUCKING WALL!!!

Just a joke...just a joke.

[SoldMySoul4RnR]

Anyone hear....KD Land died this morning???

They found her face down in Melissa Etherage.

[Anonymous]

After a month on the road, the traveling salesman was bored and homesick. Finally, he headed for the local brothel, approached the madam and handed her a hundred dollars. "I want the worst blowjob in town." She replied, "Buddy, for a hundred dollars, you can have the best blowjob in town." The salesman replied, "No, no. You don't understand. I'm not horny... I'm homesick!"

When his wife came home with a spectacular diamond ring, her husband asked her, "Where did you get the ring?" She replied, "Well, my boss and I always buy a Lotto ticket and this time, we won. I bought it with my share of our winnings." A month later, she came home with a luxurious fur coat. "Where did you get the coat?" "Oh, remember how my boss and I play Lotto? We won again. I bought it with my share of our winnings." A month later, his wife came home driving a new Ferrari. "Where did you get the car?" "Oh, we hit it big this week!" That night, as they were undressing for bed, she said, "Honey, would you draw me a nice warm bath?" He agreed, but when she returned to the bathroom, there was barely an inch of water in the tub. "What's this?" she asked. "Well," he replied, "we don't want to get your Lotto ticket wet, do we?"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Bob_R]

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

[Anonymous]

"Granny, have you seen the two pink pills I left by the sink?" "No, no pills, but I do see blue dragons and yellow elephants!"

"Why's that guy hanging around outside our restroom?" asked one pharmacist to the other. The second replied, "Oh, he came in with a prescription for cough syrup. We're all out, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." "What?! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The other replied, "Sure you can! Look at him. He's too scared to cough!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Hardrock69]

Q: What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A: A picture of Jesus only requires one nail....

[Bob_R]

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be
a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both
did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water
cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely
hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some
water to take an aspirin.

The executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this
before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

[Bob_R]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that
said, "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them
and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that
time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls
asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little
different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies
of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following
day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around
with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign that now read, "TWO ANGELS
SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

[Bob_R]

Two Newfoundlanders went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and
went to sleep. Some hours later, Lloyd awoke and nudged his faithful
friend awake. "Bryce, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Bryce
replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell
you?"
Lloyd questioned.


Bryce pondered for a minute: "Astronomically, it tells me

that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the
time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see
that
God is all-powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow".

"Is that all?" Lloyd asked. "Yes." Bryce replied. "Why, am I
missing something?"

Lloyd was quiet for a moment, then spoke softly: "Bryce,
you dickhead.

Someone has stolen the fucking tent!"

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Mr Vandenbrouke is a 50-year-old Belgian party animal, the most usual guest of a very popular strip-tease cabaret in Brussels. His wife is fed up with wondering what happens almost every night when he comes home late, so she told her husband that tonight she'll be coming along. Although very startled, Mr Vandenbrouke says "All right. Come along, let's have fun".

They take a taxi, stop in front of the cabaret (Vandenbrouke couldn't help going there), and at the door, the groom says: "Good evening, Mr Vandenbrouke, how are you tonight?" Coming in, his wife asks: "You've been here before, haven't you?" He replies: "Oh, just once, some time ago. You know, it's the guy's job to remember guests, even those who rarely come."
Once in the cabaret, a sexy waitress comes to them, grinning, saying: "Oh, good evening Mr Vandenbrouke, how are you tonight? Same table as usual?" His wife throws him a mean look while asking: "Do you still think I can believe you don't come here very often? How shameful!" They get to that effectively Mr Vandenbrouke's usual table. When it comes to order drinks, the waitress says: "The usual champagne, I suppose, Mr Vandenbrouke..." Mrs V. goes nuts. She's about to argue like mad when they open the curtains on the stage. A gorgeous strip-teaser appears and starts her show, while Mrs Vandenbrouke is giving her husband a bloody earful...
Then comes the high point of the show. The speaker asks: "And now, who's going to take the sweet young lady's G-string off?" All the people go "Vandenbrouke! Vandenbrouke! Vandenbrouke!..."
Mrs Vandenbrouke suddenly stands up, nearly running to the exit, followed by her husband. She's really gone nuts. They call a taxi, and on their way back home, she keeps yelling insults at him, really wild. When the taxi stops, the driver says:
"Mr Vandenbrouke, you've taken many, many whores away with you. But never that coarse!"

[eddieisking]

Four guys went golfing.
One was up at the clubhouse paying for their golf games, and the other three were standing around discussing how successful their sons were.
The first guy said, "My son is a successful Doctor.. In fact, he's so successful, that he bought his best friend a condo worth a half a million dollars!!" They all ageed that was pretty successful.
Guy number two said, "Well, MY son, is a successful stock broker.. in fact, he's so successful, that he bought HIS best friend a million dollars worth of stock!!" They all agreed that was pretty successful.
Guy number three said, "Well, MY son, is a successful car dealer, that only deals in expensive cars.. in fact, he's so successful, that he bought HIS bestfriend a one of a kind ferrari worth $500,000!" They all agreed that was pretty successful.
At that time, the fourth guy came back, and asked what they were talking about, and they explained they were discussing how successful thier sons were.
"What does YOUR son do??" on of the others asked..
"Well MY son is a gay stripper.... I don't know just HOW successful he is, but he must be good!! His last three boyfriends bought him a condo, a million dollars worth of stock, and a new ferrari"!!!

[eddieisking]

A woman decided, that for her husbands birthday, she was going to take him to a strip club.
When they start inside the club, the bouncer says, "Good evening, Dave!" and the wife, looks sharply at her husband, and says, "How does the bouncer know your name?? Have you been to this strip club before??" and Dave says, "Oh no,no, honey!! He's on my bowling team, and he knows me!"
This answer satisfy's his wife, and they go in.
As soon as they sat down, a hot looking waitress comes up, and says," Hi Dave!! Your usual Budweiser long neck?" Dave says "Sure!" and the wife says, "Now how does she know what you drink?? You HAVE been here before, haven't you??" Dave says, "No honey... she works part time at the bowling alley, as a cocktail waitress, so of course she knows what I drink!" The wife is just a little suspicious.
But then, an almost naked girl comes up and says, "Dave!! Sweetie!! Your usual lap dance tonight??" The wife gets really pissed, and storms out in a huff..followed by her replying husband, "Honey, I SWEAR she must have me confused with someone else!!"
The wife is no longer paying attention to him, and hails a cab and as she gets in, Dave is right behind her, saying, "Honey, I swear, I..." The wife cuts him off, yelling and screaming at him, when the cab driver turns around with a grin and says, "Looks like you picked you up a real BITCH tonight, eh Dave??"

[eddieisking]

here's one that is self explanitory...

[eddieisking]

and another