Joke thread

[canadiandlrgirl]

Originally posted by EVH FANATIC
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The
salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11." The
guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe." The salesman brings them, the guy
stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in
pain. He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my
mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my best friend and my daughter is pregnant.
The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes"

That's a fucking good one????????

[Bob_R]

Originally posted by canadiandlrgirl
That's a fucking good one????????

Nah, you're right. Not one of the good ones to say the least.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Now here's a true delirious story...

http://www.darwinawards.com/stupid/

Check out (top of the list) "Lawn Chair Larry". Fucking hilarryous!

[Matt White]

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.
The first one says, "I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle."
The second one asks, "That big or that green?"
"That sour."

[Jurak]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him.

> The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis,1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."

> The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pound,my right testicle weighs 1 pound and my name is Turner Brown."The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said turn around."

[Dave's Bitch]

Originally posted by Sarge
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing.. she has already been told twice!

LOL!!!!!
OMFG i not heard that one before,its a good one

[Dave's Bitch]

Originally posted by Sarge
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing.. she has already been told twice!

i told my mom that one and she really didnt like it

[SoldMySoul4RnR]

I CRACKED UP AT THIS ONE...

A guy is walking past a bar one day and sees a sign in the window stating that they are in need of an entertainer. The guy walks in and tells the bar owner that he's a singer/songwriter/piano player. The bar owner requests to hear some of his songs....

The guy obliges; he sits down at the piano and proceeds to play the most beautiful song the bar owner has ever heard. The bar owner is impressed and asks the guy what the songs name is...

'It's called "Fuck you you stupid cocksucker"', the man responds.

The barowner is shocked, but askeds to hear another song, which turns out to be even better than the last. The bar owner is on the verge of tears. He again asks the guy what the songs name is...

"I like to fuck my sister in the ass, while my dad eats her cunt out", he responds

The bar owner decideds that the guy can have a job as long as he doesn't mention the name of the songs. The guy agrees and begins to play his first gig. The audience loves him, and he soon has his attention drawn to a young blonde hottie buy his piano, who winks at him. He excuses himself and drags her into the toilets where they get busy.

Then suddenly, the bar owner starts banging on the door screaming for the guy to "get back to work". Without even doing up his fly, he runs out the door. The bar owner looks at the man and says:

"Do you know your cock is hanging out of your pants with cum dripping off it?"

The guy responds "Know it? I fuckin' wrote it"

PHEWWWW

[Bob_R]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather
had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making
love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear,"
replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out
the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring..
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

[Bob_R]

Excellent Lesson........

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."


The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.



As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.



Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


ALWAYS get a second opinion...

[Jurak]

Originally posted by Dave's Bitch
i told my mom that one and she really didnt like it

sorry....but that's funny...

Subject: Fw: men are just happier people


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt
to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier...

[Anonymous]

Did you hear about the manic depressive terrorist? He was so distraught that he didn't commit suicide!

A very pregnant woman noticed the man riding in the bus seat opposite her was smiling at her. She moved to another seat, glanced at him again and found his smile had turned to a grin. She moved again. Now he was even more amused. After her third move, he started laughing out loud, so she told the driver. He stopped the bus and asked the man what he was doing. He replied, "Well, when she got on the bus I couldn't help but notice her condition. I started smiling when she chose to sit under the 'DoubleMint Twins are Coming' advertisement. Then when she moved, she sat under an ad that read, 'Logan's Liniment reduces swelling.' I just had to smile. Then she moved beneath a deodorant ad that said, 'Williams Big Stick Did The Trick!' and I could hardly contain myself. But when she sat under 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,' I lost it!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

Little Johnny grew up to become a hard rocker who refused to bathe. His mom got tired of smelling him and laid down the law: "John, you either take a bath or I'll throw you out of this house!" With no escape, John agreed. After a while in the tub, he yelled, "Mom! I removed the first layer of filth." "Good, John. Keep washing!" Later he shouted again, "Mom! I removed the second layer of filth!" "Good, John. Keep washing!" Finally, John shouted, "Hey, Mom!" "Now what?!" "I found my Metallica T-shirt!"

This one 's very good:

An old nun was offended by the coarse language of the workers at a construction site next door to the convent. She decided to help them change their ways. She packed a sack lunch and walked over to where the men were having their lunch. She smiled broadly and asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and one steelworker yelled overhead, "Anybody here know Jesus Christ?" From above, a voice yelled back down, "Why?" And the first steelworker answered, "His wife's here with his lunch!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[RuzDNailz]

Joke

Joe was MADLY in love with his girlfriend Wendy. He would do almost anything for her to make her happy. One day he decided to get her name tattooed on his dick when he's aroused to really proclaim his love and affection for her. Next day before they had intercourse, Joe showed the tattoo on his dick. All you see is "Wy" but when he got an erection, the letters formed to spell 'Wendy'. Excited as ever she agreed to stay with him. Later, they get married.
Honeymooning in Jamaica, Joe and Wendy decide to go to a nude beach. Wendy passes out on the sand and Joe gets up to grab a cocktail from the bar nearby. While ordering some drinks, Joe notices the bartender has a tattoo on his dick too. Also, it has 'Wy' on it just like Joe. Joe with shock says to the bartender 'Buddy, this must be a complete shocking coincidence! Do you also have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy just like me? Look at the Wy on your dick...mine says Wendy when I get aroused'. The bartender laughed and said 'Oh, no mahn! When my dick gets hard my penal tattoo with the Wy on it spells out 'Welcome to Jamaica mahn, have a nice day'!

[RuzDNailz]

Old woman at a retirement home gets absolutely NO attention from anybody including the caretakers. Out of desperation, she strips naked and grabs one of the blankets and wears it as a cape to look like a superhero. Superpussy! She ran down the hallways yelling out 'it's superpussy!' in the hopes of getting some attention. Nothing. Still, no one would give her the time or day. She decides to run down the hallway again yelling out 'it's superpussy!'. Still nothing. She looks in one of the rooms and notices an old man lying on his bed reading the newspaper. She jumps on top of him and yells out 'superpussy!' to get his attention. He looks down at her and says 'i'll have the soup!'