Joke thread

[Bob_R]

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

[Bob_R]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[Bob_R]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

[Bob_R]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

[Bob_R]

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

[Bob_R]

Moe and Joe were taking one day


Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

[Bob_R]

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards."

[LoungeMachine]

How many Guitar Players does it take to change a Light bulb?




Two.



One to change it, and one to stand there with his arms crossed saying " I could've played the solo better "

[Bob_R]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein,

"My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas,

when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[Northern Girl]

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.




MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.




SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumbass!"




HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.




HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.





GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.





There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

[Bob_R]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the
officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by
mistake."

[Bob_R]

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94
year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts
up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Bob_R]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.
" Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss
me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and

settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used
to bite my neck" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of
bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

[Bob_R]

There were three little old black ladies getting ready to take a plane
across the ocean. The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but
I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo'?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange
panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered: "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and
I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not goin' to wear any panties....."

"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third
lady said, "cause if dis plane go down, honey dey always looks fo da
black box first."

[Ozzy Fudd]

A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says,” Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats".