Joke thread

[Keeyth]

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

* * * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Keeyth]

A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her
husband in bed with a strange woman."That's it!" she screams
at him. "I'm leaving you and never coming back."The husband
says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"She
shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. But this
won't do you any good!"He says, "Well, I'm driving along the
street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no
shoes, all muddy and crying.I took pity on her and asked if
she would like to get cleaned up in my house.She climbed
into my truck and I brought her home.She took a shower and I
gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you that you wore
once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only
twice. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the
fridge, that you never touched last night.Then I showed her
to the door. She was so grateful for all these things so she
thanked me profusely. But then, just as she was about to
leave, She turned around and asked me ........"Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

[Keeyth]

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of Nuevo California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opry Land.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and antiwar, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our re sources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Carnegie Mellon, University of Chicago, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Author Unknown in Nuevo California

[Bob_R]

A Bridge Too Fast
So there was this guy driving through town one day, he was going about 100 in a 35, he crosses over a bridge and not too far past the end of it he sees the familiar blinking lights behind him and pulls over. The police officer comes up to the window and asks him where he's trying to get in such a hurry, and the guy says he's late for work.
The cop says "what job do you have that you have to get to so urgently?" and the guy says "I'm a Rectum Stretcher"
The cop looks a little funny at the guy and says "A Rectum Stretcher? What does a a Rectum Stretcher do?"
The guy says "well, first you start with a finger or two, work you way up to a fist, and keep going until it's six feet wide"
The cop looks absolutely amazed and says "Well, what do you do with a six foot asshole?" and the man replies
"You give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge"

[Bob_R]

US Highway 22
The highway patrolman sported a car driving dangerously slow on a much-traveled freeway. He pulled it over and found the driver to be an elderly lady with four other older women as passengers.
"Lady," said the officer, "your slow driving is almost as dangerous as speeders. You need to try to keep the speed limit."
"But I always keep the speed limit," replied the lady. "I was doing the speed limit when you stopped me."
The officer asked, "What do you think the limit is on this road?" The dear old lady said, "I just a moment ago saw the sign, U.S. Highway 22."
"But lady," warned the officer, "that is the highway number, not the speed limit"
The lady was very apologetic and, of course, no ticket was given. The officer noticed that all the passengers seemed pale and had a frightened look in their eyes.
As he turned to leave the car, wondering if his presence had been the problem, he turned again and said to the driver, "Ma'am, are you sure all your passengers are OK?"
"Oh, they will be in a few moments," she said, "we just turned off Highway 120."

[Bob_R]

Bad Timing
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."

[Bob_R]

Blonde Ambition
One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop.
The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?"
The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere."
The cop replied "M'am, that's your air freshener."

[Bob_R]

Southern Justice
A couple of kids in the South get pulled over for speeding. When the trooper approaches the car, the driver says 'What's the problem, sir?'.
The trooper takes out his machined aluminum flashlight and whacks the kid across the head saying 'You don't speak to a state trooper unless you're spoken to'.
The trooper writes out the citation and gives it to the driver who responds 'Thanks a lot'.
The trooper again gives the kid a dose of the flashlight and says 'When you address a state trooper, you finish your sentence with the word sir'.
He then walks over to the passenger side and whacks the other kid with the flashlight.
The kid says 'What was that for, sir?'
The trooper says 'I was just fulfilling your wish.
Y'all wouldn't have gotten 100 yards down this road before you'd have said to your friend, "I wish he'd have tried that crap with me", so I fulfilled your wish.'

[Jurak]

Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen


· Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just bug off and leave me alone.

§ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

§ The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

· Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

§ Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

§ Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

§ Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

§ If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

§ Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

§ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

§ Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

§ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

§ Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

§ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

§ There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

§ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

§ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

§ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our [nocando]. From there on in, life gets worse

§ The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

************************************************** **

[Bob_R]

A Little Late For Work
For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation.
All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."
And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[Bob_R]

Welcome to Scotland
After six months of living on a remote coast of Scotland and not seeing another living soul, Bob was surprised to hear a knock on his door. Upon opening it he laid eyes on the biggest Scotsman he had ever seen.
The Scot said to Bob, "Why hello there laddie! I'd like to invite ya to a 'welcome to Scotland' party!"
Bob replied, "Hey, you know, I've been so lonely out here by myself, that'd be great! When is it?"
The Scot answered, "Tonight there laddie. But I best warn ya that there'll be lots of hard drinkin' and probably some fightin' as well."
Bob replied, "That's fine, I've been known to drink a bit every once in a while. And as far as fighting, I can take care of myself."
The Scot continued, "And there's goan to be some wild sex! Lots of wild sex!!"
Bob replied, "You know, after six months out here alone, this party is sounding quite excellent! What should I wear?"
The Scot replied, "Where what ya like laddie, it's only goan to be the two of us."

[Bob_R]

Delayed
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Bob_R]

Hung Chow
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."

[John Holmes]

What's the difference between a ****** and a letter?
You can send a letter back to where it came from.

What happened when the ****** looked up his family tree?
A gorilla shit on his face.

Why don't ****** women wear panties to picnics?
To keep the flies off the chicken.

[Matt White]

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow shit have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.