Joke thread

[Matt White]

The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex...

THINGS TO DO OR SAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP TO YOUR ROOMMATE HAVING SEX....

(the obvious) "Ooooooo."

"That works better the other way around."

Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"

"Damn, that's complicated"

"Wait, wait, here take my pillow."

"All right, already. _I_ came!"

"You guys need a value pak."

Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!"

"Is that sperm or a mudpack?"

"You've got something stuck in your teeth."

"4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."

Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.

"You know, they say that three's a charm."

Suggest your favorite position.

Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."

"Bring in the Gimp!"

"Hold that pose!"

Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.

Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

Sing "Shake your bootie."

"A little to the left."

"Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Is there room for two in there?"

"Two words: penis extension."

Invite others in as a cheering section.

Charge admission at the door.

Make and hold up score cards and all of them should read 6.9.

Whip out pen and paper and take notes.

"Maybe it would help if you..."

"That reminds me of a joke I heard."

"That's what you call erect?"

"Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"

Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"

Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."

"Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"

"May I cut in?"

"That's illegal in Arkansas."

"Holy whips and chains, Batman!"

Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.

"Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"

Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'

"Let's make a sandwich!"

"Is that hard enough for you?"

"I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"

"I think you dropped something."

"So, you like to eat at the Y?"

Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

[Caged]

Knock fuckin' knock.... video of Bush getting locked out.

http://www.doubleagent.com/video.php?v=790&ct=37

[Caged]

and fuck you too Bush

http://www.doubleagent.com/video.php?v=677&ct=37&cps=0&sb=mr

[MERRYKISSMASS2U]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8 am.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backing up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says:

"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"

[Matt White]

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[Matt White]

what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

[Matt White]

Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Ha! Ha! Great stuff in here, as always.

Here's the 600th or so:

Two pals come up against each other on the street. One is carrying an impressively huge man wearing a mac and a hat. The other asks him:
"What are ya doin' with that big guy, wearing a mac, on your back?
- Well, I met a genius by chance. "By chance" isn't appropriate, though. Because he told me: "You can ask me for two wishes. What's the first one you're asking for?" I said: "I want a billion dollars." And suddenly there was an awesome amount of bollocks falling from the sky. Yark... Sickening. I got really mad, but the genius said: "Now, you still have one wish."
- Ok, but this doesn't answer my question: why the fuck are you carrying that big guy in a mac, wearing a hat??
- Well, buddy, why do you think I asked for a "big dick"?!"

Sorry.

[Keeyth]

Doesn't translate well into American culture. No idea what a mac is... ..nor the relation of billion dollars to bollocks...

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Originally posted by Keeyth
Doesn't translate well into American culture. No idea what a mac is... ..nor the relation of billion dollars to bollocks...

Really sorry.

By "mac" ("mackintosh"), I meant a raincoat. And yes, there is no relation between "dollars" and "bollocks", but the genius is deaf.
It sure doesn't translate well. The original "story" says "milliard" (a billion euros, dollars, pounds, whatever) for "billard" (a pool) and a "grosse mite" (a big moth) for a "grosse bite" (a bick dick)...

Anyway, that's true, I missed it. It's not a good sign when you must explain the hows or whys...

[Jurak]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."


He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"


The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back?"

[Bob_R]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

Divorced Barbie for $265.95


The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers :

"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car,



Ken's House,



Ken's Boat,



Ken's Furniture,



Ken's Computer and...



One of Ken's Friends.

[Bob_R]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[Matt White]

HOW THE BIRTH ORDER OF YOUR CHILDREN CHANGES THE WAY THINGS ARE DONE:

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

[Jurak]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.)

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,

the bills aren't paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only one check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.