Joke thread

[Bob_R]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.

[Bob_R]

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through
Immigration. The Immigration officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the tests, but there is still one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of America."

Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence
using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister officer, I am
ready."

The officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink
it up and say, "Yellow, this is Mujibar."

Mujibr now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a
Verizon help desk. I talked to him yesterday.

[Bob_R]

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so
to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees. Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack.

When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"
Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only
man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he
returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something. "Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."

Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very
best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."
Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did
their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning; and, when he returned
home, Maria was very upset, . stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"
"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Heard this morning during the show just before Dave's:

Why don't witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broom!

[Bob_R]

A mother and her young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Edmonton to Calgary.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to items she was not prepared to discuss with her still-too-young son) told him to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Westjet always pulls out on time.

Your mother can explain THAT to you.

[Bob_R]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish . each person is only allowed
one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks and they keep coming.

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[Bob_R]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from
sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.

However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use
of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon,my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either".

[Bob_R]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[Bob_R]

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his
wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he
thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while
he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for
something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well,
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that
will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay
an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed
to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously
rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the
keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a
crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man
said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to
the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!"

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely
incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-
shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She
tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital
to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and
started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A
police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her
license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching,
she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got
this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant
voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

[Jurak]

Another "bevy of beauties" there EVH.......




"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"


"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"


Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"


"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"


"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was also scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it cause he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***







***Longer Pause**





Then Daddy says,







"Swimming pool????"... Is this 486-5731 ??

[Ozzy Fudd]

SNIFFER DOG

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and
put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to
the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks
why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man
explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a
"sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best
there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put
him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent
says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and
says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm
making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when
we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,
sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to
the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and
can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

[diamondsgirl]

Canoe Race

A Japanese company and an American company decided to
have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams
practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged
and depressed. The American company decided the reason
for their crushing defeat had to be found. A
Management Team made up of senior executives was
formed to investigate and recommend appropriate
action. They discovered that the Japanese had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team
had 8 people steering and one person rowing.

The American Management Team hired a consulting firm
to assist in analyzing this data, happily paying their
considerable fee. After six months of hard work, the
consulting firm concluded that too many people were
steering the Americans' boat, while not enough people
were rowing. So the American Team acted:

To prevent losing to the Japanese again the following
year, the team's management structure was totally
reorganized, to include 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant
superintendent steering manager. They also implemented
a new performance system that would give the 1 person
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It
was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with
meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. In an
all-out attempt to further provide empowerment and
enrichment's to the rower, new paddles and medical
benefit incentives were promised in exchange for a
victory in the next competition.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American Management Team laid off the
rower for poor performance, halted development of a
new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital
investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the senior
executives as bonuses for a job well done.

[Jurak]

funny old Johnny Carson........

http://media.putfile.com/copperclappers89

[Matt White]

A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"

[Keeyth]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in
the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".



The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."