Joke thread

[Atomic_Rob]

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Atomic_Rob]

A funeral was taking place of an eminent heart surgeon. The church was packed with loving friends and collegues, creating a very emotional atmosphere. No expense had been spared and there was a huge heart behind the cofin made with hundreds of red roses.
As the last speech was given and his favourite piece of music came on the coffin started to roll slowly towards the curtains, the heart of red roses started to pulsate then opened up allowing the coffin to glide inside and disappear through the curtains. This just completely moved everyone to tears. Two of his close collegues were at the back one was holding a lump in his throat at the loss of his friend, the other was nearly wetting himself with laughter. He was asked "what the hell are you laughing about he was one of your closest friends"
To which he replied "I couldn't help it I was just thinking about my funeral". "So!" his friend replied "I don't see your point". The point is I'm a gynaecologist!!

[Atomic_Rob]

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo checking out the animals.
They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla had a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this.
They stand and watch him for half an hour.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch the gorilla's penis.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
Two days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks,

"Are you hurt?"



"AM I HURT?



AM I HURT!!", he shouts,




"Wouldn't you be!?




He hasn't called, he hasn't written .....

[Atomic_Rob]

Tarzan & Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong .. but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch! Jane
rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"



"Tarzan checking for squirrel."

[Atomic_Rob]

Three women where chatting about their sex lives with their husbands.
First woman: My husband Pete loves me giving him a blow job but the strange thing is, when I'm doing it his balls get freezing cold.
Second woman: That's really strange when I give my husband Mark a blow job I've found the same thing.
Third woman: What's a blow job?
The other two suprised at this lack of worldliness from their friend, set about describing the details of the perfect blow job.
The third woman vows to try it out on her husband that night. They agree to meet the next day for coffee to see how she got on.
To their suprise and horror she arrives with a huge black eye. What happened? Did you give him a blow job? Yes she replied, he seemed to be enjoying it then he hit me.
Well what did you do wrong? they asked. Nothing I did it exactly as you described it. I was giving him a blow job and we were both enjoying it and I said this is really nice your balls are nice and hot Pete and Marks are always cold........


Jokes thanks to the incredible Jackie Lynton, a legendary gentleman, musician and his jokes are face rippingly funny.

[Shaun Ponsonby]

Jon Bon Jovi.

He's a joke, isn't he?

[Bob_R]

Originally posted by Shaun Ponsonby
Jon Bon Jovi.

He's a joke, isn't he?

HAHA! A shit stirrer.

I don't know is he? He has a music career. Does Roth?

[Shaun Ponsonby]

When he can be bothered...yes.

Jon Bon Jovi has a questionable music career, which is worse than not having a music career.

[sadaist]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's".

[katie]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"



Katie

[Shaun Ponsonby]

Hey, stop editing my artwork.


THEIF

[katie]

Originally posted by Shaun Ponsonby
Hey, stop editing my artwork.

Shaun you stole MY idea!

The cheek!

katie
x

[Shaun Ponsonby]

<a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i91.photobucket.com/albums/k299/Captainswing_2006/01-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting"></a>

[Bob_R]

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

[franksters]

these clips are hilarious, it's a company from montreal that did those for an american candy wholesale company;

http://62.213.240.144/vertigo/