Joke thread

[Jérôme Frenchise]

What does a Rasta guy say when he quits smoking pot?

"Damn!!... What's that fucking crappy music?!"

[Anonymous]

When Girls Overdrink: We have no idea where our purse is. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butts while yelling "Woo-hoo!" is the sexiest dance around. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's butt and honestly believe we could do it. In our last trip to the bathroom, we realize that we now look less like the goddess we were four hours ago and more like a homeless hooker. We cry and tell everyone we see that we love them sooooo much. We get excited and jump up and down at every new song merely because, "Oh, my God! I love this song!" We find the spiritual side of the geek sitting beside us. We suddenly take up smoking and think we're good at it. We get mad at the bartender for giving us just lemonade because we can no longer taste the vodka. We think we're in bed but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor. We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down. We take off our shoes because we think it's their fault we can't walk straight.

The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce." The judge said, "Why do you want a divorce?" "Because my husband is a terrible lover." "How long have you been married?" "Fourteen years." "I don't understand," said the judge. "Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he's a terrible lover?" She said, "Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn't know!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Ozzy Fudd]

Subject: A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the
waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he
also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the
staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well,
he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp
all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen
and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save
time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what'.
That way, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to
wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

[sadaist]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:





1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[blonddgirl777]

CNN HAVE JUST REPORTED THIS - Newfies declare war on the USA


President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused.. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."



CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

[VanHalener]

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[bugersalad]

Roth Army Fans.... There is a joke for ya!!!!

Roth Army Fans!

[Anonymous]

Since a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, scientists for Health Canada ran a study to see if drinking beer turns men into women. In the study, men were each given six pints of beer per day for a month. 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive or think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

There are many aspects of school that you don't appreciate until you get older. Little things, like being spanked by a middle-aged woman!

Cheers! :bottle:

[Ozzy Fudd]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who

>>>seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

>>>As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and

>>>told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be

>>>landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just

>>>put your trays up, that would be super."

>>>On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

>>>Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me

>>>over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so

>>>the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

>>>She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a

>>>Princess and I take orders from no one."

>>>To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

>>>"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

>>>Tray-up, Bitch."

[Anonymous]

Jesus, Mary and Joseph were doing household chores when suddenly Jesus ran outside to Joseph. "Did you call me?" Jesus asked. "No, I'm sorry," replied Joseph. "I just hit my thumb with the hammer!"

Travis had been rather upbeat lately. "What gives?" asked Jim. "Just loving life, Jim. Loving life," he replied. "Health, togetherness, motivated children, lack of envy: that's the recipe for a happy life. Plus, we've been having more sex than any time in our marriage." "Wow, that's pretty good after 25 years, Travis." "Yes, it is," he mused. "So much so that Marge has taken to calling it her 'medicine'." "Oh, yeah?" said Jim. "Is she swallowing it or taking it as a suppository?"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jurak]

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[Jurak]

These are not made up. Check them out yourself.


1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com


2. "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com


3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island " at www.penisland.net


4. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com


5. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at www.powergenitalia.com


6. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com/


7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always

http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The " First Cumming Methodist Church " Web site is www.cummingfirst.com


9. And the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/

[Jurak]

NEOLOGISMS

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.


8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid .


3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period .

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?

And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.




And the pick of the literature:


16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole!

[katie]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?



















































The pilot, you racist cunt!

[Jurak]

Taser Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...



(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to
allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to
safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION @!
@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute
or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they end
up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return.

Still in shock, Earl ........