Joke thread

[Jagermeister]

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bay water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it on to the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The Blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out:















"SHIT !!!... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[PETE'S BROTHER]

JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT

(I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!!)
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and
Asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
Restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give
Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
Shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
Cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of
Hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's
About gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
Restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold
Beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
Said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength
Come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
Kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and
He raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the
Door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting
Disability."

[Whiteflag]

Why do the woman have 2 black eyes?

She said no twice!

[chefcraig]

Why do the woman have 2 black eyes?

She said no twice!

Wow, the poor grammar really sells that one. What a knee-slapper.

[Whiteflag]

What a knee-slapper.

i once put one of my ex-wives on my lap. you figure out what happened next

[chefcraig]

i once put one of my ex-wives on my lap. you figure out what happened next

Your considerable lack of hygiene lead her to run screaming for fresh air and jumping out of a porthole?

[fifth element]

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com'.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, 'Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'


And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said,

'How, dear?'

And Dot replied,

'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.


And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say,

'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others'. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known 'eBay' he said,

'We need a name that reflects what we are.'
And Dot replied,

'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'

'YAHOO!' exclaimed Abraham.


And that is how it all began.

Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

in your own word "ugghh"

[fifth element]

in your own word "ugghh"

LOLOL...i thought it was funny enough to share...lol

[ace diamond]

what's brown and has holes?

[sadaist]

what's brown and has holes?

The hooker down the street?

[Keeyth]

what's brown and has holes?

Yeah, there are way too many things that could be... lol!

[chefcraig]

what's brown and has holes?

Your best pair of underwear?

[ace diamond]

what's brown and has holes?

swiss shit!

[ace diamond]

Your best pair of underwear?

what underwear?
i'm freeballin'!