Joke thread

[LoungeMachine]

Agree. I had to search for it.

my condolences.....



Restickyfieded

[Jérôme Frenchise]

2012 years and a few days ago, Nativity... Mary and Joseph have just gone shopping,
and the donkey is already making the ox.

Baby Jesus, outraged, goes:

- How shocking! What a way to behave! I'm here, if you don't mind...

Then the donkey replies:

- Oh, come on! It's X-mas Day, isn't it!

[lesfunk]

My wife asked me "When you go on the road with the band do you ever think of me?"
I said "Only when I'm gonna come too fast."

[Hardrock69]

Was making a comment to WARF on his being selected to represent Roth Army at the VH Cafe Wha? show.....ended my post with "I GOTS TO KNOW!".

Was thinking of posting an image to drive the post home (decided against it), but came across this hilarious cartoon:

[Jagermeister]

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying,
'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[Bob_R]

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

[vandeleur]

My new favourite chat up line
" does this rag smell of chloroform to you "

[private parts]

Not sure this is a JOKE, but I laughed my ass off!

[envy_me]

Here's an oldie but a goodie:

A blind man walks past a fish market and says "Hello ladies!"

[PETE'S BROTHER]

what's worse than a cardboard box?

[PETE'S BROTHER]

what's worse than a cardboard box?

paper tits.... lord

[envy_me]

[envy_me]

A guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

"This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!"

"And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..."

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat. The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie"

[envy_me]

I've seen this one a thousend times, and I still laugh out loud every time i see it

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Women have three pairs of lips:

with the first pair they get mean... and forgiven with the other four lips.