Joke thread

[envy_me]

Jesus and God are chilling in heaven when the doorbell rings.
God goes to the door and finds Allah waiting by the door.
God turns to Jesus and asks: "Did you order Kebab?"

[Angel]

Jesus and God are chilling in heaven when the doorbell rings.
God goes to the door and finds Allah waiting by the door.
God turns to Jesus and asks: "Did you order Kebab?"

I suppose I could take you off ignore...

[Angel]

I suppose I could take you off ignore...

Nope. Don't know how on tapa, lol.

[envy_me]

Lol, well, you better find a way cause this girl is about to get funnier

[VetteLS5]

Lol, well, you better find a way cause this girl is about to get funnier

Hopefully. Kabob?

[FORD]

Of course the name "Allah" is just the Arabic name for JC's dad, so the joke would actually work better if it were the Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) who rang the Celestial doorbell.

[Angel]

Of course the name "Allah" is just the Arabic name for JC's dad, so the joke would actually work better if it were the Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) who rang the Celestial doorbell.

I like that you have the decency to add PBUH. Respect. :thumbup:

[Sensible Shoes]

Don't know if I ever posted this one.

A bagpiper was hired to play at a funeral. After driving around in circles, lost for a long time, he found the cemetery and saw a small group of people. There was no family visable, all that was left was a group of workers shoveling dirt into the large hole in the ground.

The bagpiper is beside himself that he missed the funeral. So he decides that he will at least play the pipes for the deceased himself. He plays like he never has before, so beautifully that it brought tears to the eyes of the workers.

As he was leaving, one worker says to the other, "You know, I've been installing septic tanks for 25 years and I've never seen anything like that."

[envy_me]

Of course the name "Allah" is just the Arabic name for JC's dad, so the joke would actually work better if it were the Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) who rang the Celestial doorbell.

Lol, you're right, of course I don't think that many people think about that though

[Seshmeister]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

The redhead sighs and says, "Oh shit, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: "Haven't you got a vase?"

[envy_me]

I LOVE this thread

Speaking of blondes:

[vandeleur]

Supposed top 50 one liners ...

1. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs - Peter Kay
2. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off - Tommy Cooper
3. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin - Tommy Cooper
4. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance - Peter Kay
5. 'Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day' - John Bishop
6. We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun - Rowan Atkinson
7. I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again - Unknown Origin
8. I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them - Steve Martin
9. I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel - Rowan Atkinson
10. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice - Tim Vine
11. 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die - Bill Murray
12. Why do men get married? So they don’t have to hold-in their stomachs any more - Unknown Origin
13. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative - Ricky Gervais
14. Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect - Benny Hill
15. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant - Tommy Cooper
16. I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy - Tommy Cooper
17. To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can’t run - Milton Jones
18. Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn’t wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow. - Will Ferrell
19. I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato - Will Ferrell
20. Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Yeah, I thought so - Unknown Origin
21. I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20’s and I’ve only been in three fights. Not a bad average - John Bishop
22. I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail - Unknown Origin
23. My friend keeps telling me I’m in the closet. I just say it’s Narnia business - Will Ferrell
24. I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine - Bill Bailey
25. Bob Geldof...no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years - Russell Brand
26. What’s black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill - Unknown Origin
27. Are there any medium rappers? They’re always big or lil - Unknown Origin
28. I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them - Emo Phillips
29. I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?' - Peter Kay
30. My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...I thought ‘I’ve got the better deal here’...1 Your sister - Michael McIntyre
31. I’m a post-modern vegetarian: I eat meat - ironically - Bill Bailey
32. So I said to a Scotsman ‘did you have terrible spots as a kid?’ He said ‘ac ne’ - Unknown Origin
33. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any - Tommy Cooper
34. Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly - Tim Vine
35. My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards - Sarah Millican
36. I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them - Emo Phillips
37. I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich - Unknown Origin
38. I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich' - Tommy Cooper
39. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic - Unknown Origin
40. I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’ - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid - Jack Whitehall
41. Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food? - Unknown Origin
42. How do you know when you’re too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener - Kevin Hart
43. If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can’t you just have some crisps? - Russell Brand
44. You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks - Stewart Francis
45. A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number one, have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went...and finally, question number 10' - Lee Mack
46. You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts. Man: and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link? - Unknown Origin
47. Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well, can’t believe it actually worked - Unknown Origin
48. Dyslexic man walks into a bra - Unknown Origin
49. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever - Milton Jones
50. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister - Will Marsh

[vandeleur]

Some of them arnt great ... So to make up here is my fav tommy cooper joke ... Oh it may not translate well

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you "

[envy_me]

.....

[Sensible Shoes]

Don't get it.

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