Joke thread

[vandeleur]

Envy why did you delete your post ?

[Seshmeister]

Some of them arnt great ... So to make up here is my fav tommy cooper joke ... Oh it may not translate well

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you "

Reminds me of

A man walks into a butchers and says 'Can I have a mince round?', butcher replies 'You do what you want pal'.

Pretty sure that doesn't translate into American, not sure if it even works in England...

[envy_me]

Envy why did you delete your post ?

Because.

[VHscraps]

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." - Chic Murray

[vandeleur]

Seemingly the popped her clogs joke is a winner , people either like it or are stunned I know a clean joke

[VetteLS5]

A guy walked into a bar....
















.... he should have ducked.

[vandeleur]

An old favourite of mine , that goes down a storm about 11 o'clock in the pub , and the more fun you have with song titles the better

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my
way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for
someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy's talent and musical abilities.
The owner again asks for the name of the song.

The guy answers, "I Fucked Her All Night Until She dripped with spunk "

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.

One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I FUCKING WROTE IT!"

[VAiN]

What do 9 out of 10 people LOVE?















Gang-rape.

[envy_me]

[vandeleur]

'Your dick is super tiny," said my girlfriend,as she winked me off.

[envy_me]

[envy_me]

[ThrillsNSpills]

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[vandeleur]

Some of those are laugh out funny.
Oral ... Is a classic

[envy_me]

I've been watching comedians on youtube the whole weekend. Jerr Ross is fantastic on Roast. Also Greg Giraldo is amazing!!!