This Thread Has No Purpose...

[VanHalener]

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[VanHalener]

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[VanHalener]

[Anonymous]

July 8th I went bionic, bitches.
Got a shinny new defibrillator/pacemaker crammed into my chest.

Went to the VA Hospital to have staples pulled out by a cherry doctor.

Couple a months ago, I was getting a blowjob, and she had some hair on her mouth, kept fumbling for it. When she stopped, I figured she'd found it and spitted it out/removed it, but apparently that didn't happen, though she got rid of the hair.

Went right inside my foreskin. Felt a lump there, the other day. Not knowing what it was, did some preliminary tests. Took a piss, worked fine. Rolled her over, went in, fine. No pains, nothing. Decided to wait to se if it would go away. A week later, when it didn't, went to the hospital.

I should point out at this point, that amongst my paranoias, I have absolute dread of hospitals. I can count the times I went to one on the fingers of one hand. And that hand doesn't necessarily need to be complete.

Anyway, I went to a private hsopital. Dunno about other cuntries, but in Portugal, if you go to a public hospital you die while you're waiting for someone to just look at your problem, forget about solving it.

Phoned ahead, set the day and hour. Got there, to the private hospital, had to take a number(?) and wait. Finally got to reception, 15 minutes after the set hour, was told I'd have to wait 'till the doctor called me.

Told them, "Hey, I phoned to set a fucking time to avoid this shit. What's the point of setting a time, if you have to come here, take a fucking number and still wait?", loud enough for every apathic "well, it's the way things work, can't complain" person to hear. Was told "Well, it's the way things work" by the dude. "Fuck this shit", while going into the waiting room. Nurse comes out before I sit down, laughing, asks me my name, tells me the doctors waiting. I go in, doctor's laughing too, dunno if it was related. If it was, motherfuckers were laughing with me, not at me.

5 minutes, says it's a hair. Surgery, quick fix. 450 euros. Not too expensive, everybody told me. Cheap, in fact.

Worst couple of days in my life. At first, "yeah, it's a simple thing, no problem", then "mein Got, have two arms, two legs, two hands, two lungs, two livers, two kidneys, but only one of these. What if he fumbles it?"

Depression sets in.

The day arrives, I'm completely wasted. Hungover, been drinking more than usual.

Go in, straight to surgery. I ask "Will I be getting a full body anesthetic or local?" "Local, small area, no need for full body." "Small area? Well, you're in for a surprise. Anyway, what's price difference between local and full?" "A lot, but if you want, I can give you full." A lot. Better go for local, though full would've been nice. I like to experiment. Bet it's a fuckin' trip.

Maybe 15-20 minutes, it's all over. Highly skilled doctor, knows what he's doing. I'd recommend him in a heartbeat. It was, as has been said, a hair. "Now, keep it to yourself for two, three weeks." "Why don't I join a fucking convent?" "Well, you can go sooner, but you might wreck it, not to mention you're more prone to infections now." Two, three weeks isn't that long.

So now, I have a fully functional, surgically enhanced penis. It has LEDs in it, a steam pump, steel carbon tubes for veins, and for a couple of weeks everyone called me 'steel dick'.

I still hate hospitals.

Glad it went well for you too, Halener. We're cyborgs now. We RAWK!

Cheers! :bottle:

[VanHalener]

Wow that sucks

Thanks for not posting a picture of your mishap.

Just do what I do... Keep it clean, lubricated, locked and loaded.


OWWWWW YEAH!


~If I had a forklift I'd go out and pick up fat chicks~

[VanHalener]

[VanHalener]

Sometimes I kick back, grab an English dictionary and search for the best word in the language. The result is the same no matter what language I research....

~Breasts~


The runner up involves two words and is a very important part of any vocabulary...

~Bra strap~

[VanHalener]

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[standin]

I don't know why, but that was funny as all get out!




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[VanHalener]

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[VanHalener]

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[VanHalener]

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[VanHalener]

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[standin]

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[VanHalener]